Sexual frustration actually worse than vaginismus itself?

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    I want to write something on a subject that has been touched here and there in some of the stories published on the forum, but never in the same way as I’ve experience it.

    When I was 14, I was sexually harassed by someone on my way home after visiting a friend. Nothing really bad happened – he touched me on intimate places and ran away when he saw other people coming around the corner – but the event cast a shadow over my life as a teenager. My husband first had to tear down the wall I had built around me, before I was able to show myself naked to him. At the age of 21, I had no experience whatsoever: I never had an orgasm, I never had sex and I never kissed someone. But my husband did a fantastic job and made me feel at ease when I was around him.

    Even four years after I’ve met him, I really feel like he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He’s super good looking, he’s a fantastic kisser and… he’s a physiotherapist, which equals great massages (bonus points for that).

    Relatively soon after we started having sex, it became obvious I had vaginismus and anorgasmia – as someone else wrote here a few days ago both often come hand in hand, which was confirmed by my pelvic floor specialist. I started following therapy a few months before I got married, and I’m about half way now.

    This may sound strange, but looking back to those first few months with my husband, my vaginismus was actually not the worst thing that could happen to me. I knew there was a solution to this problem: I could follow therapy. In the mean while we could use alternative options to spice up our sex life. Ultimately, this alternative became WAY more frustrating than dealing with my vaginismus.

    The problem is that I WANTED to have sex with my husband, and this desire grew stronger day by day. During the weekends, I spent hours and hours in bed with my “hot” husband, and we experimented from dusk till down. Those days always ended up the same: he got an orgasm and I didn’t. No matter what he did or how he did it, the anorgasmia prevented me from having sexual release. And I can tell you that after a few days, this starts to hurt physically. And that is exactly my point: I know that after a few months, when my therapy is over, I’ll be able to have sex with my husband. But the biggest problem – one that actually has a much bigger impact on me – still remains.

    I’m sure I’m not the only one in this case, since anorgasmia and vaginismus are pretty common. Does anyone recognize what I’m trying to say here?


    Hi feline – thanks so much for sharing your story here. Everyone’s journey through vaginismus and other sexual issues is different and the parts that are unique to you can be especially illuminating to other women on the same journey.

    You make a great point, especially as many people with vaginismus have to find alternate ways of being intimate with their partners – but even this doesn’t fully work for you because you’re not experiencing orgasms! Is this something your pelvic floor therapist has focused on at all? Part of what is so frustrating as a woman about figuring out our sex life is that good sex should not only be the absence of pain, but also the presence of pleasure, and both of those are separate and BIG challenges to overcome in some relationships.

    I’m glad you have a great and supportive partner to explore this stuff with. A book I read recently that you mind find helpful is the book Sex Points by Bat Sheva Marcus who’s the clinical director of the Maze Clinic that runs these forums. She has a whole focus on the orgasm as a problem area in a person’s sexual life, I highly recommend checking out her book:

    I’m sorry you’ve had so many problems with your sex life, I know how endlessly frustrating it can be. You are brave and strong for how much you have already overcome, and I hope you find solutions that work for you to help with your anorgasmia! Let us know if you have other questions or there’s any way we can help.


    @feline It could have been me who wrote that text.

    Not being able to have sex with your partner is already a huge issue, but when you’re not able to have an orgasm yourself, this makes things even worse. In my case, when sexual excitement lasted for too long and I didn’t get an orgasm, this even caused signs of a mild depression. And it starts hurting in your lower abdomen too, I don’t know if this is something other patients recognize as well, but it’s true. Terrible feeling.

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