Roller Coaster of Emotions

[23years]

So, I first posted a quip/funny post introducing myself to the forum. Since then, my emotions have gone from excited I might have a treatment option, to fear of the unknown, of the “what ifs”. Just reading or talking about my sexual issues, the broken parts of me, have included bouts of anxiety. You see, I haven’t sought out any treatment options or explored any further treatment since the 1990’s. it’s been like an elephant in the closet. I have not spoken to any physician that treats me about what I live through or go through. Other than my OBGYN, I tell no one. To hide your pain and be unable to talk about it is very psychologically damaging. I know this now. For me, it was just easier to hide it and not share it because then if have to explain and no one truly understands so they either give you these ridiculous statements and think they will be the “master of your cure” or they hide what they really think, and you see it in their body language, perhaps a slight twitch of the head as if to ponder what the heck is wrong with you.

I had become so used to being “disabled” in my sexuality, and without seeing, hearing and knowing there could be a real solution, I just suppressed my feelings and went on living despite it. Meanwhile I never told anyone, not my primary and not my other physicians. My OBGYN was the only one who understood but I had even stopped speaking to him about it because there were simply no treatment options and I knew it… Or so I thought.

And now reading information about Dr Paciks treatment, reading history of treatment and stories from others has made me quite sad at times. It’s getting better but I worry like others, will this be temporary? Will it really work? Will I be traumatized over again? Will I feel embarrassed and ashamed telling people?

Talking about my condition recently has brought up so many old memories. All the guinea pig treatments, broken engagement, the male psychologist who thought he would “cure” me not as a professional counselor but as a mentor, boss and much more (in his book). When I broke off my engagement with my then fiancé, I felt I knew it was best. He was devastated but I was convinced it was his size and that must be the problem. He went into counseling after I left him. The man he saw told him, “she wasn’t having sex with you? Wasn’t interested? Turned you away? Well please thank her next time you see her, for breaking off your engagement and giving you back a sex life!” So there it was again, the male support and complete disregard for the female suffering. And that only lead me to feel more isolated and like I had made the right choice. That no one would ever want me if I couldn’t have sex. Nobody. I told this to my next serious relationship and he chuckled when I said that. He was nice about it. He told me sex wasn’t everything but then it was barely anything. This relationship did not last.

I guess I never knew how much this diagnosis has affected me inside. You put up a big wall in 23 years when you go through multiple failed treatment attempts, negative internal and external messages, and you give up caring because you are defeated. There is no one out there with treatment options. So you manage best you can. I’m looking forward to Dr Paciks treatment and this journey toward healing. It’s not just the physical, it’s the broken spirit too and the emotional healing.

It’s a full package and I’m wondering how many ladies have seen a huge increase in their positive body images and less negativity, who is spending more time working on building a stronger you?

[Becca]

Your post makes my heart so sad. I can relate to your feelings. I didn’t know I had a problem until my wedding night when we were not able to consummate our marriage — that was seven years ago next week. It created this deep sadness/emptiness inside my soul that I could not understand and was truly heart breaking. Vaginismus made me feel as though I was completely broken and helpless to do anything to put myself back together. It is so hard talking to others who do not understand this condition – they say things that can hurt and wound because they do not understand the severity of what you’re dealing with. This is a huge, heavy burden to carry and I think the part that is the hardest is that you feel you have to suffer with it in silence. (I say you, generally speaking) To have such pain, confusion, anger and sadness just built up inside of you like a prison for so many years, it really is exhausting and damaging in so many ways.

One thing that Dr. Pacik recommended to me is to go through counseling (with my husband). We are just now trying to get that organized, but I have gone to counseling on my own and it was incredibly helpful. Also, I can guarantee you that every woman that Dr. Pacik has treated has suffered from those same doubts and fears that this procedure won’t work for them. I felt completely overwhelmed with anxiety and fear just worrying about what if it didn’t work? This is the last option for most of us V sufferers. I can tell you though, as long as you do the work post procedure (dilating, working on YOU!) you can overcome this. I can’t even tell you how much better I felt within the couple weeks after my procedure. There are definitely still ups and downs and good days and bad days – BUT – I felt like I was so much more in control of my own body and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest.

I am looking forward to hearing more about your journey and feeling thankful that you have found Dr. Pacik’s treatment, it really will change your life. <3

[23years]

Thank you very much for your genuine response and supportive feedback. It has definitely spun my head around and made me dig deep within myself. I look forward to working on “me”. It’s about time someone took a genuine interest in all of us, it’s been centuries! As I always say, “Go forward, just breathe, and be brave”. I have to tell myself this often! Be well~

[Heather34]

Hi 23years. I absolutely love the saying “Go forward, just breathe, and be brave”. This is so, so, so true!!!! I felt so many of the same emotions and feelings as you describe while having vaginismus and definitely suffered from depression (everything that came w/having the condition and keeping it secret and hidden) as well as anxiety (not knowing if I would ever find a cure, what the future held, etc.). Finding Dr. P’s treatment and overcoming was unbelievably amazing for both my husband and I. Please, please know that I am here for you and always will be throughout your journey!!! Sending hugs and support!!!

[23years]

Thank you! Much genuine mutual care support and concern coming your way!! I truly appreciate you reaching out! (((((((( hugs)))))))

[Diana]

Hi 23 years! It has been about 20 years since I first notice there was something wrong with me and the ability to achieve penetration. I went to see numerous doctors (Easily 15+) in Mexico, California, Texas and Pennsylvania, none of them were able to help me. I tried pretty much everything that there was out there to try with zero success. I believe Vaginismus make us stronger women, it is not easy to go through life feeling confused with no answers to our condition while we wonder why, why us! Nevertheless, we keep pushing forward and believe that the day will come. One of the best decisions that I have ever made was to see Dr. Pacik, I had my procedure on 9/2011 and on 11/2011 I was able to achieve painless penetration. I could not believe it was happening after so many years and many attempts! The best of lucks to you. I too, received incredible support from Dr. Pacik, his staff and Heather34 and will always be very thankful for it.

[23years]

This is awesome news. I am “coming out” today to a physician I have not told who has treated me for several years. I couldn’t sleep last night, even with medication, it’s so powerful this anxiety around this part of our bodies. I am hoping today will be the first step in many to creating a brand new ME! Wish me luck!

[Heather34]

Good luck today! I think it’s so, so brave of you to do this! Sending hugs!!!

[23years]

Thank you Heather! It was hard and emotionally draining but I did get much genuine support and actually spent quite awhile in this office today. So far so good! One step at a time right?

[Heather34]

I’m so glad you did this today and it took so much courage and bravery to do! One step at a time is definitely right! :):):)