newbie: ready for the next step

[jessbee]

hello everyone!

I am new to this forum as well. It has been very comforting reading the other posts of other women who suffer from problem. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this. I feel like I have been suffering in silence for years, and I am finally able to get some answers, some help, some hope, something that can alleviate this burden.

I am 33 years old, and I’ve been married for almost a year. I first realized I had a penetration problem when I was 16 years old and unable to insert a tampon. I attempted inserting one for years but always gave up due to the excruciating pain. I attributed it to being a virgin. Growing up I had intimate relationships, but never had sex until I was married. I was involved intimately with other men but each time we attempted to insert anything it was absolutely impossible. I still attributed it being a virgin, but I also had extreme anxiety issues during this period of my life due to being involved in a toxic relationship. I also thought that anxiety and the side effects of the anti-depressants could be the cause for tensing up during attempted penetration. My ex-boyfriend once said I had a fear of sex because I didn’t want to be “invaded” so I would put up “walls” so that I wouldn’t let anyone in. Again, at this point of my life I was very closed off to a lot of people and what he was saying now makes sense to me. Perhaps, this all stems back to this period in my life of great anxiety where I didn’t want to be invaded by this toxic relationship so I closed down physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Fast forward about 5 years later, I am now in a healthy loving marriage that is missing a very important thing. I want to love my husband the way that a wife should. I want to be a mother and have children. I feel like I am failing my husband. As if I am a total disappointment. I see myself as being defective. I want to exchange this body for one that fully functions. My husband is very patient and loving, and that makes it even harder for me. I feel it is totally unfair to him. I dont want him to ever think that I don’t want to have sex with him. For him to ever think that would tear me apart.

I have done some research, and I feel that being treated with the botox and dilators is my only option at this point. Everything else seems like a lost cause and this is my only hope. All I need is reassurance that this is going to be okay. I need motivation to take the next step and actually schedule this procedure. That really is my next step and I hope to do that this week . If anyone has any words of encouragement, advice, tips, I will welcome them with open arms.

[Nakitalab]

Hi Jessbee, I’m crying as I’m reading your story. Your journey sounds so very similar to mine and I’m so sorry that you have suffered with all that you have gone through. Please know you are no longer alone. What a blessing that you have found this Forum and Dr. Pacik. I promise you, you can now have hope again and Dr. Pacik will have answers for you. Having this treatment and going through Dr. Pacik’s dilation program will help you to gain back your confidence and allow you to feel like the beautiful woman that you are. Its wonderful that your husband has been so understanding. You are not a disappointment to him as he truly loves you (I totally understand you feeling that way as I did too). I am 53 years old and like you suffered with Vaginismus since I was a teenager trying to use a tampon. I have been married over 32 years and had the treatment a year ago this month. When I found Dr. Pacik’s website and this Forum I couldn’t believe how many women suffer with Vaginismus and how many women were successfully treated. I was so hopeful but thought for sure I would be the one that it wouldn’t work on especially since I had suffered with it for so long. But it did work and I am able to make love to my husband with no pain, able to use tampons and have a GYN exam. I am still a work in progress as far as the emotional toll that Vaginismus took on me but that is pale in comparison to the huge blessing and joy that I am free from Vaginismus. My heart hurts for you, Jessbee but at the same time I’m so excited that you found Dr. Pacik and especially this Forum. I am here for you 24/7 as well as so many other women on this Forum. You are no longer alone! We will be right by your side each step of your journey to be free of Vaginismus. (If you get a chance read my story as it is so very close to your own). Sending you a big hug!

[jessbee]

Nakitalab,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I really need them! I have decided that I will put aside my fear and anxiety and go through with getting this procedure done. It is a second chance to start over as a woman and a wife to my husband. I’m am not doing it solely for him, but for me as well. I don’t want to suffer alone anymore. Nakitalab, you are a very brave woman for going through with this after so many years of being unable to make love to your husband. I’ve only been married for one year and my heart breaks every time I am unable to penetrate. I can’t imagine going through the frustration and heartache for so many years. But I bet your successful results have made every step of the way worth it. Where can I read your story, Nakitalab? I would love to read it. Hugs to you and thank you thank you thank you for being a great support! 🙂

[Becca]

Hi Jessbee – Our stories sound pretty similar. I first discovered something was wrong at 19 trying to use a tampon, but just decided it had to be because I was a virgin. This is such a heartbreaking condition and especially just feeling like you are so alone and suffering silently, its just hard. I, too, just found this this site a few days ago and already turned in my forms and downloaded the book. I feel like this procedure is my last hope. I am so thankful I stumbled across this procedure!! I hope that everything works out for you to have the procedure and be successful. <3

[Nakitalab]

Jessbee, I’m so happy and excited for you. And it is so good that you are not doing it solely for your husband but also for yourself. I promise you, you are not alone anymore. I will always be here for you. My story is under Vaginismus-General (page 5) Introduction-Long Term Vaginismus. You can also put Nakitalab in the Search Forum box up at the left hand corner and I think all of my posts will pop up as well. I’m here for you every step of the way, Jessbee. Please feel free to ask me anything. I’m right here on the sidelines cheering you on as well as a shoulder to cry on, vent, etc. whenever you need it. :0) Big hugs!

[Kim]

It’s so surreal and yet encouraging to know there’s other women out there who have identical stories to my own. This has to be one of the most isolating and destructive conditions emotionally to us as women. I know completely how you both feel Jessbee and Becca – we are all in the same boat. I’ve been married over 7 years now and we’ve had zero penetration. I’ve had Physical Therapy for 3+ years and used dialators off and on for 6 years. The first year of marriage was so incredibly heartbreaking and I was just waiting for the day my husband would walk out the door after being so frustrated with me – then we discovered Vaginismus was the cause and things have been a bit easier knowing there’s an actual reason for the “wall”. I admire you for tackling this head-on in your first year of marriage – it took me 3 years to work up the nerve to contact Dr. Pacik’s office and fill out the forms and schedule my appointment. I’m having my procedure Nov. 11, Veteren’s Day – how fitting, I feel like I’m going to war with my fear and anxiety. My husband and I had our initial phonecall interview with Dr. Pacik and we were floored to speak with an actual doctor who gets it – the pain, the fear, the loss of control, the emotional toll…a true answer to prayer. Good luck with your journey, and know you are so not alone – we’re all in this together 😉

[Becca]

Thank you Kim! I am so excited for you that you are having your procedure so soon! I keep telling my husband I wish I could have it yesterday that’s how badly I want to get it done! We are in the process of trying to get the money together for it. I can’t wait to hear how everything goes after your procedure, you will have to keep us all updated! 🙂 So excited for you!

[Kim]

Thanks for the support & excitement Becca! I’m so insanely nervous – we just booked our flights today and a car rental – one more step toward this becoming a reality. I can imagine I’ll probably cry from the second I get on the flight to the second I walk back in my front door – tears from excitement, nervousness and finally relief. The biggest thing I’m nervous about is the anesthesia. I’ve never been under before, and the whole IV thing freaks me out. I was joking around with my husband that maybe they can just knock me out the night before with a strong sleeping pill at the hotel and I can wake up in the recovery room once its all over with. As for the billing – we paid our down payment immediately, but we’re probably going to go the route of the Care Credit so we can use what cash we have for the flights & hotel. It’s especially a little difficult with the holidays around the corner. I’m interested in hearing about your process as well – keep us all posted!

[jessbee]

I am so happy to hear all of your stories and so comforted to know that I am not alone. I will be calling to schedule my procedure tomorrow and hope i can get it done soon. Thank you, Nakitalab, I will look up your story in the forum. Kim and Becca, lots of hugs your way. We are all in this together now! Does anyone else in your family know about your problem? I have not been open about this problem to anyone but my husband (and you guys) so I am very hesitant to tell my parents about getting this procedure done. For one, it is very personal and embarrassing, and two, I don’t want them to worry about me. But I think I would feel better telling my mom the reason for taking this trip up to New Hampshire. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to approach this topic with family?

[Becca]

Jessbee – I have talked to quite a few people about it. Of course I have been suffering with this for 6 1/2 years so I have gone in bursts of feeling courageous and not being able to stand the silence, and times of complete shame where I hate that anyone knows at all. For the first few years I had only told one of my closest friends. Then I started seeing a counselor and I felt much more able to talk about it. My mom and I are not super close, I mean, we are comfortable but not THAT comfortable. 🙂 For me too I had a rough time talking to my mom about it because I have a rough history that I somewhat feel like my parents have contributed to the condition for me, so that has been hard to work through. I DID tell my Mom though, and it was incredibly awkward, but I’m glad that she at least knows. It was therapeutic for me no matter what. I do have an Aunt though who is like a second mother to me, and she was one of the first few people I told, and it was still awkward of course but I did feel more comfortable. The only people in my family that know right now are my Mom and Aunt, but I have told both of my husband’s sisters and I just told his parents the other day too. I’m in one of those feeling-courageous-can’t-stand-to-be-silent modes right now. 🙂

Basically when I have told anyone about this it starts out like this… “This is incredibly uncomfortable and embarrassing for me to talk about, but I really would like to talk to you about it.” And I always make sure to add in there something about how I am telling them because I trust them and I really want a larger support group that I can talk to about it and have for encouragement. Obviously I have only told people I am pretty comfortable with, but there has not been anyone yet who was rude or judgmental towards me. I also always make sure they understand how emotionally painful this has been for me, because it tends to make people more sympathetic and compassionate towards what you’re suffering through. I also usually give them links to websites where they can learn more about it, because most people are curious since they have never heard of it. 🙂 I hope that helps!

[Heather34]

Hi Jessbee. I am so, so sorry to read of your struggles with vaginismus. I, too, struggled with primary vaginismus for our entire 11-year relationship / 5-year marriage and was cured in 2011 after receiving Dr. Pacik’s procedure. It truly was the answer to so many years of our prayers. I felt like we tried almost everything prior (pelvic floor PT, dilating on my own along with a workbook, etc.) and nothing worked because we could never move past this wall of resistance and my pain/burning feeling with any attempts at penetration. What made this work when every other thing failed were just so many aspects including this wall of resistance disappearing post-procedure. For the first time, I was able to insert the dilators right in (liberally coated w/surgilube/lidocaine) and they didn’t hit this wall and later, my husband, again, with no normal wall that had always been there. I, too, felt exactly as you described while suffering with vaginismus. I wanted so badly to be able to make love to my husband. We would go away together and during our trips, we were intimate in other ways (i.e. oral sex) and it always ended with me in tears b/c I was so sad that we couldn’t do more. I just remember having so many of the emotions you describe while going through this as did my husband. Another thing that helped the both of us was how much Dr. Pacik includes your husband/partner in the journey of overcoming. This part initially made me so nervous as I viewed vaginismus as my problem that I needed to just fix. In going through this program, my eyes were completely opened to overcoming vaginismus as a journey that we went on together and we leaned on each other so much before, during, and after the procedure. It may sound so funny, but going through this brought us so much closer as husband and wife. I KNOW that this procedure will be so incredibly life-changing for you both in so many ways. Please, please know that I am here for you 100% and I am so excited that you have found Dr. Pacik and this Forum. I look so forward to reading more of your posts.

Kim, huge, huge CONGRATS on scheduling your procedure for 11/11. This is absolutely wonderful and I know you all will OVERCOME vaginismus!!!! You will win this war!!!! I believe in each of you so much and I am just so happy that you have found Dr. Pacik and this Forum. It is truly a wonderful community of support!!!!!! Sending hugs to you all!!!!

[kelseroo]

I am battling whether of not to tell my mom about my vaginismus. My mom and I were close, but then we had a falling out for about a year and a half, and we are now on speaking terms but the relationship is still on the mend. I’m not sure if I am ready to tell her about it. I am really curious though, because I remember when I was a teenager, my mom told me that she couldn’t use tampons until after she was married. Or she might have said after she had kids, I don’t remember. But either way, I’m curious if she had vaginismus?

[jessbee]

Thank you for your response ladies. As much as i try, I don’t think I can bring myself to discuss this issue with my parents. It just makes me feel absolutely shamed, as if i’ve done something in the past to deserve not having the ability to have sex. Perhaps after i’ve gone through this procedure and have seen improvements I can feel more comfortable talking about it.

[Janet Pacik]

To Kelseroo, Dr. Pacik and I have found that sometimes it is easier to give a copy of Dr. Pacik’s book “When Sex Seems Impossible” to a mother and say “Mom, this is me. Please read this book and then I would love to have a conversation with you about it.” We have had patients try this and it has worked. You may also want to visit our website and read “Letter to the Family of Vaginismus Sufferers” http://www.vaginismusmd.com/stories/letter-to-the-family-of-vaginismus-sufferers/

I am a mother myself of a daughter and a son and I can tell you that most mothers want to be there for their children. It might be hard for them to hear the details, and it may take a little while, but most mothers will overcome this and be supportive.

Start by reading the the webpage at the link above as it might give you enough encouragement. My thoughts are with you.