Lost soul needing some guidance

[Justoneday]

Hi everyone,
Just hoping for some advice and guidance and to feel not so alone in my struggles!
I’m 26, have been with my bf for 9 years nearly and as far as I’ve got is he was able to use 2-3 fingers well back in the day when I was young, excited and desperate to have penetrative sex
As the years have gone on I’ve gotten more and more scared of it, We’ve tried so many different ways and every time it’s like a brick wall, never mind my legs of steel that clamp together and I am unable to control.

I was diagnosed with Vaginismus and have been unable to have a physical test as I get too upset, and am now seeing a sex therapist with my BF, i don’t know if this sounds pathetic but I feel like neither my therapist or my bf understand me. My therapist said the other day “you have been coming here since August and it’s taken you’ve this long to get this far” and it has made me feel crap and feel extra pressure to do better with my dilators.

I was doing pretty well I thought and have gotten half way with the second dilator, though now I am unable to even get the first one in again

I use a vibrating sex toy to “prepare myself” but now even that doesn’t seem enough. I have no motivation, no sex drive and are always avoiding my bf so we don’t end up getting up to stuff

I feel completely and utterly pathetic, lost and un-hopeful. I will be 27 in a few months and I still haven’t had penetrative sex and I’m scared I never will. Especially when everyone around me is having children or having amazing sex. I feel so alone, there is no one I can truly talk to and be honest with.
Im hoping there are people out there that relate and understand, and can guide me towards some sort of miracle!

Thank you

[recessivegenequeen]

Justoneday, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I related to your story a lot – I had vaginismus until I was 25 and had the same struggles with fear and shame and pain and anxiety. It’s so hard when the people around you don’t understand what you’re going through and heap on additional pressure even though you already carry such a burden yourself.

The problem with other people trying to rush your treatment process is that frustration and dissatisfaction are so much a part of what make vaginismus challenging in the first place. It persists because of a connection between sex and pain that gets compounded because the more you anticipate potential pain, the more anxious you are and thus the more you tense up, making it hurt more… see where I’m going with this? It’s impossible to make progress with vaginismus while there’s a mountain of pressure on you.

Based just on what you’ve said, you might be a good candidate for the botox treatment, which is what I had. I had already lived with vaginismus for 10 years by the time a partner gave me an ultimatum that I needed to get treatment for him to stay in the relationship long-term, and by that point my vaginismus was so severely engrained that dilation felt completely impossible. Botox helped me to break that pain/anxiety cycle and finally dilate my way to having sex, which I honestly think would have been impossible without the help. You can call the Maze Clinic for a 10-minute consultation using the form or phone number below.

Even if you don’t go the botox route, it sounds like the process itself is so stepped in stress and anxiety to perform that you’ve had setbacks, which is perfectly understandable. You may need to take a step back in the form of talking to your boyfriend and your therapist and saying that creating more anxiety by pushing for a timeline won’t help things so that you can go at your own pace. You may need to relearn comfort with the process and intimacy with your boyfriend, but those are processes that can’t be rushed.

Finally, at the end of the day this has to be something YOU want, for whatever your reasons are, or it’ll never work. Taking some time to reaffirm what’s driving you to get through your vaginismus, whether that’s getting to be intimate with your boyfriend, opening up the possibility of having kids someday, or just getting to feel normal, those reasons have to be YOURS.