Intro

[juliamc]

Hi there,

I’m 22 years old and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 4 years. I have never successfully achieved intercourse with him even though I love him and he is trusting and respectful to me and my body. I have achieved (uncomfortable) tampon use, and some finger insertion from him and myself. I am incredibly grateful for these experiences because I’m aware that others with vaginismus can’t achieve that. I guess what I’m saying is that others have it “worse”. Because of how much sex is pushed down women’s throats as a society our whole life, I immediately tried to jump into sexual activity when we started dating. We have tried multiple times and it’s like hitting a brick wall. The moment I feel his penis start to push past my vaginal opening, I buck backwards like a horse. It is involuntary and makes me feel horrible. Physically and mentally I am drained. We have a good relationship and this is the man I want to get married to and have kids with. He shares these goals with me and has been nothing but understanding throughout our several failed attempts at inter course. We achieve intimacy through oral but I am craving that next step. This went on for years until after I turned 21 I had my first well Women’s exam. At the OBGYN, the doctor said my hymen was partially covering my vaginal opening. Praise the lord! It’s physical and not mental! Is what I thought at least. She recommended a hymenectomy. Not totally removing my hymen, but for lack of a better word, shaving it down so that nothing’s covering the hole. After asking multiple doctors over and over if after this surgery I will be able to be penetrated, and they all said yes, I agreed. My first surgery being in the most intimate part of me was terrifying. Nevertheless I recovered well, and here I am, still not having sex as promised. I am heartbroken and feel like I am letting myself and my boyfriend down. I am even losing interest in trying because I feel so hopeless. I am currently seeing a sex therapist who is giving me techniques such as yoga and meditation to deal with the anxiety surrounding sex. I am scared of dilators. I just need someone to give me a shred of hope in this situation. Thanks for reading

[mazemelissa]

Hi Juliamc,

I just want you to first know that you are not alone, and that you can get through this.

I think that they hymenectomy was still a good idea, as many women with vaginismus do have thicker hymens or partial blocking of the vaginal opening that makes penetration even more difficult and more painful.

However, removing that barrier doesn’t take away the involuntary spasms of the muscles in your vagina that your body has become accustomed to doing when ever you have penetration.

I believe you still have a physical problem in your vagina that needs addressing. The sex therapy will definitely help to address the fear and anxiety that has developed over the years of failed penetration. But the muscles will also need to be treated.

I know dilation is really scary, but you have already been able to have penetration with a tampon, so using a small dilator is really very similar.

We need to connect your mind and your body, and repeated progressive dilation is the best way to do that.

I would also recommend seeking a pelvic floor PT to help with the process.

Or if you are close to NY, please come to Maze and we can help. You may also be a candidate for the botox procedure as well.

Please do not lose hope, you can do this.

Melissa

[juliamc]

Thank you so much for responding. I’m not close to NY unfortunately. But I will look into physical therapy after some time with this therapist. I believe in my heart that this will all be a thing of the past in my life journey and just a distant memory someday. However, being in the moment is hard. Thanks for your recommendation and words of encouragement.

[Heather]

Hi Juliamc! I too shared your fear for dilating. I think physical therapy would be great for you! I worked with one for a while and she was great. I think it’s wonderful that you have such a supportive partner and you’re absolutely right, this all will be a thing of the past one day. I suffered with vaginismus for 10 years. Most of that time is because I spent my days ignoring the issue and thinking one day it would go away on its own. Sex therapy is great! I’m so proud of you for taking all these steps forward. You have the right attitude! Unleash all the forces you can on this and you will win the battle! 🙂 There is so many amazing tips here on this forum. You should definitely take a peek in the dilating section! But I do highly suggest a dilator kit. A physical therapist could help you in a very safe and comfortable environment. I know how scary it is. When I received my first dilator kit online, I cried when I saw it. But I wasn’t working with my sex therapist or physical therapist at that time. Alone, it is a little difficult. But when you team up with an expert of the brain and an expert of the body, add your determination to the mix and I can’t see how you couldn’t beat this! 🙂 Vaginismus is a symptom of both the mind and body. You can do this!

[juliamc]

Thanks so much Heather. I will be looking into PT and dilators when I’m ready. ☺️

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi juliamc – I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’ve experienced, and I know how frustrating it must be to feel like you had an answer and a solution that turned out to just be one step on the road to your healing. You are so right in that someday this can all just be a memory – that’s how it is for me. I suffered from vaginismus for 10 years before getting the botox treatment at Maze and then being able to dilate my way to pain-free intercourse, and it is still crazy to me, four years later, that vaginismus doesn’t touch my sexual life anymore.

It’s clear to me that you are a strong person because you’ve made it this far, so I know you will be able to handle whatever comes your way. I understand why dilation is scary, but like you pointed out, you’ve had some success inserting a finger before, and dilation is very specifically designed and envisioned so that you can make progress gradually and at a speed and comfort level that works for YOU. I believe you can have the life you want and it’s clear you have a supportive partner by your side, which can be such a resource when going through treatment. I know you will be able to do this when you are ready, so I hope you will trust yourself with your own healing whenever the time is right. We’re here to answer your questions whenever you want so please do ask if you need anything at all. We are pulling for you and know you can do this!

[juliamc]

Thank you so much for the kind words and I’m proud of you for beating this, recessivegenequeen!

[abstractallie]

Hi everyone, I’m Allie – I’ve been married for 5 years and never have been able to have intercourse. I am able to have a finger inserted sometimes, but tampons are a no go – I managed to put a tampon in once, but pulling it out was sooo painful. I just recently visited a new gynecologist (or actually she’s technically a midwife) and for the first time I felt like I was being heard and understood by a healthcare professional. She told me that she wants to refer me to a pelvic floor therapist and that she’ll call me in a few days with a recommendation, so I am hoping and praying that this means there is light at the end of the vaginal tunnel (haha). My husband is super supportive and has told me that he feels satisfied with the way things are now, but that he’s totally on board if I want to do the work to get better. At this point I just really want to try pelvic floor therapy and see if it works for me.
I also am a little confused about the hymen… As a kid, I was told that when you have sex, your hymen breaks and bleeds and all that. But now I hear people saying that there’s a problem if the hymen is covering the vaginal opening. I feel like I’ve definitely been misinformed about what a hymen is!
Anyway, I appreciate any feedback you all can give me. I’m new here, so yeah… thanks for reading 🙂

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Allie! I’ve seen your posts elsewhere on the forum and just wanted to say hello again. The hymen is SOMETIMES a partial cause of vaginal pain/vaginismus but not always. Often women break their hymens on their own even before sex (through anything from using a tampon to horseback riding) but sometimes it can cause pain and obstruction. A gynecologist can look and see if your hymen seems unusual, and if you get the botox procedure, your hymen will be broken in the process. It may not be the reason for your pain though, so you may have to see a gyno to learn more.