I think my boyfriend might be getting frustrated with me
July 2, 2018 at 9:11 am #23111maisiemaisieParticipant
Hi everyone, I wanted to ask you guys if anyone maybe had any advice for me?
Before and since I was diagnosed with vaginismus my boyfriend has been 100% perfectly supportive of me, has never pressured me or tried to make me feel guilty, and has listened to me stress about it a lot. He’s been so patient, I can’t explain how perfect he has been.
However, a few nights ago we had a really big argument when I asked if he would come to a doctor’s appointment with me. I asked him to come with me because I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety about it, and I’ve been believing lately that it’s been all on me to try to fix this situation, I’ve been feeling really lonely. He started thinking of excuses as to why he couldn’t come and tried to brush me off about it and it really felt to me like he’s just not interested anymore. It hurt a lot because this is so important to me and I thought it was to him, too.
As soon as I felt it I got really defensive and extremely sad and I just want to know, is there any way anyone could suggest I bring it up to him again without getting so emotional? Or what, vaguely, it is I should say? I’m feeling so lonely and hopeless about all this for the last few months and I’m not even sure if I want to keep going with treatment.July 8, 2018 at 5:52 pm #23145recessivegenequeenParticipant
Hi maisiemaisie – I’m sorry to hear about this fight with your boyfriend, especially because I was always sensitive about my own vaginismus with partners and know how devastating it can feel to not believe you’re being supported in that moment by someone so important to you.
Having vaginismus is HARD, physically and emotionally, on us women. But one thing I was pretty blind to for most of my own treatment is that it’s also hard on the partners who support us. They have the role of needing to be supportive and positive while also feeling totally powerless to help and having to keep quiet about a lot of their real feelings because they want us to be confident. If you spend much time clicking around on the “for the men” section of the forums, the most repeated thing you’ll see is that the partners are frustrated that they can’t do more for their partners – it’s hard to watch someone you love suffer and be unable to take away that suffering in any way beyond being there for them.
If I were you, I would go to your boyfriend and say something like “Hey, I realize that this vaginismus stuff might be hard on you – how have YOU been feeling about how things are going?” That gives him a space to talk a bit about what he’s feeling and acknowledges that this is hard on him as well. I would also be sure to add something like “Thank you so much for all the support you’ve shown me – I couldn’t do this without you.” I wish I’d thanked my partner more during treatment for all the incredible selflessness and support he gave me.
I know you might be scared of what your partner will say about how he feels about your vaginismus treatment, but I think inviting him to be honest about it will make you both closer and help both of you see that this is a battle you’re fighting together. Also, it’s OKAY to feel defensive and sad – I would tell your partner that too when you talk so that he knows what kind of help you need. Honesty is a hard thing to give, but it helps most problems!August 19, 2018 at 7:41 pm #23518Sks823Participant
Sorry to hear about this fight with your boyfriend. It’s very difficult for both of you to go through this, but it’s AWESOME that you got diagnosed and are taking actions to overcome your vaginismus. 🙂
I’m happy to hear that your boyfriend has been supportive/hasn’t pressured you/tried to make you feel guilty at all, but if you do feel like you need a bit more support (even if just him accompanying you to a doctor’s apt), I’d say you should be as honest and open with him about that as possible. Be understanding – like recessivegenequeen suggested, ask him how he’s been feeling about things – but let him know that you’re putting a lot into overcoming vaginismus & it can be incredibly lonely/overwhelming. Let him know that’s the reason it’d mean a lot if he could support you by, for example, coming with you to a doc appointment that you’ve been nervous about.
It’s very possible he was just in a bad mood that day or something (factors unrelated to you). I hope things are going well now!
Good luck and we’re all rooting for you and your boyfriend 🙂
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