I dont even know if this is what I want…..

Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus General I dont even know if this is what I want…..

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  • #24779
    L D
    Participant

    Hi! It hs been a minute since I came in here. I was up all nigth ready about it……..success stories are my favorite. Most of them have a common denominator…..a supportive and loving partner. I am 46. Happy, athletic, busy, Mom to a wonderful 9 yearld boy ( adoption)……….but, I have one thing I cannot do. SOmetimes I wonder if I just DON’T WANT TO! SOunds selfish ah? But, after years of learning, dilating on and off, physical therepay for like 4 months and years and years of being belittled and humilliated becasue of how frigid or cold or sexless I am……. I am ready to throw in the towel. I dont care about sex. Sex has always meant pain for me……then, when in love, sex wa somethimng I really wanted to do and share qith my husband but, as years have gone by and frustration on his part has grown……..I am bitter, I don’t care for it and dilating, PT and anything else just sounds like a chore I do not want to work on anymore. I hate it! Because maybe one day I will meet a wonderful man and I would love to make love to him………and I still will not be able to. That is the only thought that has me thinking about keep moving forward and try to overcome this.

    ANyway, I called this am a sex therapist and I will give it one last try, I guess.

    Pt was working but then the lady moved so now to start back again from square one with a total stranger. My husband asked me yesterday if I had been lying to him about going to therapy! OMG, I could nto believe that.

    DIlators, I can get up to the #3…….but I just dont have time and when I do, I really dread it.

    I have ben prescribed some suppositories to insert and work on stretches and stuff…..I use them, no big deal……just need the darn motivation to do this.

    At this point I am here…….I need to do this for myself but only because I need to prove that I can to a very cruel person…… to prove that I am not broken…I am not frigid……ANd at the same time, I need him to practice ( obviously) but I am tired of the negative feedback I get every single time. Talking to him is not an option……just last night he told me how he is going to go fins someone to have sex with as he is tired of it all. I really do not have any feelings towards that and could care less…… it will be even more humilliating but hey, what is new right?

    Today, I just want to cry and find answers.

    #24809
    recessivegenequeen
    Participant

    Hi L D – welcome to the forums! I’ so sorry for all you’re going through – what a tough emotional situation to be in in your marriage. The way you’re feeling is natural, especially if it doesn’t feel like there’s a resolution in sight – it can seem easier to dismiss the idea of sex than it is to confront the problem directly, and finding the motivation to get better is challenging if you don’t have desire to have sex with your partner or that relationship is in a precipitous place. But there are a lot of benefits to seeking treatment – it’s hard to describe how much confidence it can give you, or how much relief and peace of mind you get when sex is less an arena of fear.

    Also, it sounds like you’ve had less success than you’ve wanted with dilation, physical therapy, and other methods. Have you ever looked into the botox treatment at Maze? It’s what I got and I don’t think I could have cured my vaginismus without it.

    I know how hard it is to explore this pain, but I think the possibility exists that your feelings would change if you felt like other options existed. Just something to think about!

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