Coping with Feeling overwhelmed

[Ashly_1996]

Hello all,

I really like the idea of this forum, I came across it after an article about vaginismus said that one should join a support group. I got told by a gynecologist that I have Vaginismus, the funny part is that I went to get checked and treat a yest infection, but I had doubts of having a problems because of the pain while being penetrated, still I was a little bit shocked when I heard that I got it.

I remember trying to get penetrative sex when it never really work, it always hurt badly it made me feel useless and abnormal. I had the same feeling while trying to insert the anti fungal medication and it made me feel kind of overwhelmed and sad because every time I try, it hurts and I need to work hard for it, it seems like I need to relax and stimulate myself for a long time in order to something fit inside me. Also I feel like I can not date a guy for a while, at least I am trying not to because I don’t know how to communicate this.

SO the first thing I was wondering is how do you guys cope with that feeling? how can someone not give up on such thing? and also do dilators work for you guys? the second thing is how do you guys tell someone that your dating that you have vaginismus? specially now days that it seems like everyone is just searching to please themselves.

I hope you can help me

[Jackie Giannelli, FNP-BC]

Hi Ashly_1996!

Welcome to our forum. You will find SO much helpful content here, along with stories and experiences from others who are all working to overcome vaginismus. I highly recommend perusing the different threads so you can gain some valuable advice and insight from others. What you will find is that you are most certainly NOT alone in this!

You are correct, dilation is super vital in the treatment of this condition. A home dilation program is a great place to start, and if you need more information on that please do reach out to us! We are here to help and support you. Also, we are now conducting a virtual dilation coaching program! Stay in touch, and again – welcome!

Jackie Giannelli

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Ashly_1996 – welcome to the forums! I’m glad you decided to seek help at the behest of your gynecologist; it can make it so much easier to endure when you understand that there are other people who have felt what you’re feeling and know how hard it is.

I had vaginismus for almost 10 years before getting treatment and for a lot of that time I WASN’T coping with the feelings. Like you’ve expressed, I felt ashamed and abnormal, I felt like I was the problem in the relationship and that I was a burden on my partner. I had partners who claimed not to care who were very sweet about it, but the feelings of shame didn’t go away because I still felt like something was wrong with me. The only thing that cured those feelings for me was finally seeking treatment and making progress at overcoming vaginismus. A newer partner of just a few months told me that he wouldn’t be able to be with me long term if I didn’t try to seek treatment of some kind, so I begrudgingly decided to. I didn’t FEEL ready but I CHOSE to be ready and to give it a shot and that was what made the difference. I started to make progress and to gain confidence and, eventually, to rewrite the narrative once I was able to have sex.

I highly recommend you explore treatment options and see how it feels to take a step, even if you don’t necessarily “feel ready”- it’s a scary and hard thing and you likely won’t wake up suddenly feeling eager to face it, but you can find the strength to decide you’re ready.

Also, as for telling a new partner you have vaginismus, it’s admittedly hard. I struggled with doing this but I recommend trying to start a conversation about sex and desire before you actually end up in bed together. A fake-it-till-you-make it approach can work at first – even though it’s a source of insecurity, you can regain some control by being the one to say, “Hey, just so you know, I have a pelvic floor issue/vaginal pain issue/however you want to present it that makes it painful (or impossible) for me to be penetrated. I’m working on it through therapy/dilation/whatever is true. But I still experience arousal and enjoy sexual touch and want to be intimate with you. Let’s talk about some things we both can do together.” It’s a hard conversation to have, but letting a partner know where you’re at with things also lets both of you figure out early on if it’s honestly something you can deal with. I think there are good and understanding people – I’ve known and loved some of them.

I hope some of this helps you, but know above all that you are not alone. Please let us know if ever you have questions or just need encouragement. Posting here in the first place was a big step and you should feel proud of yourself!

[Ashly_1996]

Thank you very much recesivegeneqeen, the way you write about telling a partner you have vaginesmus sounds so positive and encouraging, I am going to try it ^^… this forum makes me feel better.

[recessivegenequeen]

You’re welcome Ashly_1996! Let us know how it goes if you do have that conversation – maybe it can help someone else who’s struggling to do that! I know it’s a challenge but I think your bravery will be rewarded, even just within yourself.