Can anyone advise me?

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Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus General Can anyone advise me?

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    Hi everyone! Sorry to go in extreme detail but this is my story. I have been too scared to address it but I think it’s time for me to :). I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years and he didn’t believe in sex until after marriage. We would do foreplay and stuff, but if he tried to insert any fingers, it felt uncomfortable and like it shouldn’t be inside my vagina, like it was a foreign body almost. I never addressed it, and just thought it could be because I hadn’t lost my virginity. I have tried to insert tampons and it hurts and can only go inside but it stops at a certain point and my vagina tightens.

    When we broke up, I met a new guy and have started dating him. I really like him and it became serious, leading to sex the other weekend. However, when he tried to insert his penis, it was almost like my vagina had become non-existent and would not let him enter. It was like I had closed off and I couldn’t control it. He described my vagina as being very tight, and when trying to insert it, the hole couldn’t be found. It was such an embarrassing moment! 🙁

    I went for a sexual health testing a few weeks ago, and when inserting the swab into my vagina, it felt uncomfortable and hurt like something sharp was inside there and needed to be removed instantly. It could only reach a certain depth before my vagina closed up around it.

    Can anyone help? I have started to feel so insecure and thinking about ending it with this guy because I don’t think I am sexually enough for him. Thank you x

    Helen Leff, LCSW

    Hi maggieb123,
    Welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place. First of all please know that vaginismus is very treatable. Dilation is key to stretching the muscles inside the vagina and overcoming vaginismus. I don’t know where you live but finding a provider, perhaps a pelvic floor physical therapist, can help you get started. We do in office dilation at Maze and we offer Botox under sedation if that’s needed. I also want to address that you are thinking of ending your relationship because you don’t think that you “are sexually enough”.
    Sex is not just penetration (penis in vagina sex). I understand that it’s frustrating when intercourse seems impossible but sex is about pleasure and sharing an experience. Non intercourse sex is encouraged until you are able to have pain free penetrative sex. Sex is sex! Hope this is useful to you.
    Let us know how you are doing,


    Hi Maggieb123 – I echo what Helen wrote this morning! Dilation is the key to treating vaginismus and a home dilation program is the key to starting. I would look up Syracuse medical dilators – they come in many different sizes, starting smaller than a tampon. You also need to use TONS of lubrication with dilation, such as coconut oil or a water/silicone hybrid such as Sliquid. Let us know how we can help guide you! You can definitely do this!


    Hi maggieb123! I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through – I had vaginismus for about 10 years before I eventually got the botox treatment at the Maze Clinic, so I know how it feels to be in your position. There can be a lot of guilt, shame, and embarrassment around your symptoms, especially when you like a partner and just want to be able to share in intercourse with him, but none of this is your fault, and like the doctors above said, it’s fully treatable!

    It sounds like you like your current partner and that he’s pretty understanding, so if you feel comfortable, I’d explain to him what you’ve discovered and talk about your sex life together – like Helen said, sex isn’t JUST penetrative intercourse, so you can work to find things both of you like as you start to explore treatment options and find something that works for you. Knowing what’s going on and that you want to work on it is the first huge step on this journey, and you should feel proud of yourself for reaching out! Let us know if there’s anything we can do and know that we’re rooting for you over here!


    Helen, Jackie and recessivegenequeen, thank you all so much! Your comments have really put me at ease and made me feel a lot better about myself and how I can overcome this. 🙂

    I am from the UK and I am going to look into solutions you have provided to see if I can make any improvements! Thank you so much, you’ve been a big help!


    Also Maggieb123 – some exciting news! We are going to be starting a new vaginal dilation home coaching program here at Maze! It will be a telehealth based program, so we can help reach women with vaginismus from all over the world who need some guidance with vaginal dilation. Stay tuned, and let us know if you would be interested!



    I’m glad it helped, Maggieb123! We’ve been through it before so we’re here to help you every step of the way!


    hi maggieb123,

    Just wanted to reiterate what others said – I also had vaginismus for several years before overcoming it with dilators (physical therapy – at Maze, in my case). I agree that seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist and having them teach you how to use dilators/ initially put them in for you is a good idea! And don’t forget to never lose hope – it may take longer than you think, or be more difficult some days than others – but with drive and determination and not giving up, you WILL be able to overcome this!

    Also, Jackie mentioned a virtual dilation program that could be an awesome idea to help you get started if you’re not able to see a pelvic floor physical therapist anytime soon (but are able to order the dilators).

    Lastly, I used coconut oil for lube for the dilators and it worked perfectly – lube was very very important and helpful in my process!


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