Vaginism and premature ejaculation?

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• May 7, 2021 at 9:38 am #42149
  sunnysideup

  Participant

  I’m not sure this is the correct section to post this question so feel free to move the topic to a more appropriate board…

  Here’s my story.

  Me and my husband met when we were 19 – we were both studying at the same university. Both of us never had someone else before so we took small steps in the beginning, I think it took over a year before we saw each other naked for the first time and 6 months more before we first tried to have sex. He couldn’t enter me, it was too painful, and at that time I couldn’t find the courage to talk about my issue with my doc. We simply found other ways to be intimate and that was it.

  I remember I felt terribly guilty when we married, and while I was dancing with my husband on my wedding night I really had the idea everyone around us could see we were unable to have sex.

  Things changed when I wanted to become pregnant. I realized I needed help. After over 2 years, I’m now proud to say I’ve overcome my vaginism. Thanks to my therapist.

  Unfortunately, we’re now facing another issue. We’re trying to conceive now, but my husband seems to suffer from premature ejaculations. The first time he was “allowed” to enter me, he already came on my leg, even before he was able to penetrate me. My therapist told me this is something she hears a lot, especially older men who never have had sex involving penetration seem to suffer from this. They either come before they can penetrate, or ejaculate a few seconds after they got inside, simply said because they are “too enthusiastic”.

  Is anyone here aware of these issues? Anyone else coping with this too? If after all the trouble we’ve already been through we have to seek help from a sexologist, I’m afraid we’re going to give up…

  May 9, 2021 at 10:46 pm #42176
  recessivegenequeen

  Participant

  Hi sunnysideup – thanks for posting! First of all, congrats on getting treatment for your vaginismus because that’s huge and something to be very proud of! It’s also a reason you should NOT give up if what you want is to have a baby! You already know you and your partner are capable of working through a sexual problem together as a couple, so this is just a different problem to apply your patience and coping skills to.

  First of all, it’s SUPER common for the male partner to have issues during/after dealing with a female partner’s vaginismus. As much as we have to focus on ourselves while working through the pain, anxiety, shame, and other negative feelings of vaginismus, men carry a lot of emotions through that process too. Sometimes they develop issues getting erections because they’re afraid of hurting their partners. Other times (like it sounds like is happening here potentially) they aren’t used to the intensity of penetration or get so excited at what’s about to happen that they can’t control their ejaculation.

  It’s possible that as your partner gets more used to having intercourse, his stamina will increase. But there are plenty of other options as well, things like numbing creams, pills, and behavioral modifications that can help hold ejaculation at bay. There are several things you can try and consider on the Mayo Clinic’s page on premature ejaculation here:
  https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/premature-ejaculation/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20354905

  After dealing with vaginismus it can feel especially frustrating to have another sexual issue in the relationship to deal with, but try to think about it from the perspective that you have so many coping skills to apply to this situation. Our lives will likely have many sexual changes to deal with and you know how to roll with the punches. You have the strength to get through this!

  May 11, 2021 at 2:18 am #42243
  minnied

  Participant

  This is definitely something most women aren’t aware of, but as written above, it’s super common for men to end up with sexual dysfunctions when their partner has/had vaginismus. If my memory serves me right, over 60% of men are in that case.

  In some men, only the THOUGHT they’re going to be able to penetrate is enough to give them a premature ejaculation. Others have issues getting an erection or it takes ages before they are able to ejaculate from penetration. It’s often an unexpected obstacle in the course: as one problem is solved, another one shows up.

  PS To the admins: why not create a separate section on the forum for this? That might contribute in making this topic less awkward.

  May 17, 2021 at 5:01 am #42677
  rabbit

  Participant

  According to my therapist, lots of men end up with premature ejaculations after they are allowed to have sex with their partner. My husband was unable to penetrate me for a few weeks, not because he couldn’t get in, but because he came BEFORE he got in. He was so excited he finally was “allowed” penetration, his body got so excited he already ejaculated while still having his PJ’s on, or on my leg, the sheets, etc… I was glad my therapist warned me this could happen because it adds another layer of complexity on the whole situation, something that not many women understand.