Lack of sexual intimacy

• Author
  Posts
• April 13, 2020 at 11:42 am #27537
  Jackie Giannelli, FNP-BC

  Participant

  Hello Help1122 – first of all, I commend you on finding this forum and reaching out for help. It goes to show how much you do really care about your girlfriend to make this post.

  Clinically speaking, consistency with dilation really is key to reaching comfortable penetrative intercourse. And that can be REALLY hard to do, especially when there is fear and anxiety around any kind of penetration. So I know it is hard not to take this personally, but rest assured it most likely has to do with pain and fear and not you! I would encourage her to continue dilating every day, for at least 10 minutes. And move up to the next size when her current size starts to feel too “easy”.

  The fact that she was able to dilate up to the largest size is amazing! However, the “largest” dilator really does vary in terms of the different kits. You should try to measure your erect penis, and then measure the largest dilator. If the dilator is not ONE SIZE bigger than your penis, then you may want to consider another set. Dilating with a size bigger than YOU are will ensure she can get YOU in without any trouble. I would encourage you to wait to try intercourse again until you are at this point. Also make sure you are using TONS of lubricant with both dilation and intercourse. We here at Maze like a silicone/water based hybrid such as Sliquid, or even coconut oil.

  I really hope this helps. I would also encourage your girlfriend to read through the posts on this forum. Just knowing she is not alone in this helps tremendously.

  Jackie

  April 13, 2020 at 1:39 pm #27552
  Helen Leff, LCSW

  Moderator

  Hi Help1122,
  I hope you found all that Jackie wrote helpful to you. We understand that “painful sex” is a couples issue.
  Our clinical director Dr Bat Sheva Marcus posted a blog on March 3,2020 on our website Mazewomenshealth.com titled: To The Partners of Vaginismus Patients. Perhaps reading it will be of value to you.
  Take care and stay in touch,
  Helen

  April 21, 2020 at 10:37 am #27889
  recessivegenequeen

  Participant

  Hi Help1122 – welcome to the forums. Jackie said it really well – it sounds like your girlfriend has taken this setback to heart and is very discouraged by it. The thing that’s helped me with setbacks like this is knowing that she got to that size once so she can do it again. She’ll just need to let go of her discouragement with herself and know that the path to recovering from vaginismus is winding. It’s normal to take a step back sometimes (as happens with so many challenges in life) but that she has been strong and focused before so she can find that same perseverance again.

  Jackie is totally right about dilation being all about routine – it might help your girlfriend to just focus on, for example, dilating 10 or 15 minutes a day and knowing that that’s her long-term contribution to your sex life for now. Even if she tries for that long and isn’t able to make progress, it’s really about showing up and trying every day so your body really starts to get used to the feeling of being penetrated. If it’s just a daily task it might feel less emotional and fraught for her. Knowing that you’re there for her will help too, so a lot of reassurance is a good thing. Your support will go a long way!