Lack of sexual intimacy

[Help1122]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 2 years and we have still not had sex. It started off really slow until she realised it wouldn’t happen at the start she was really uncomfortable with anything touching her down there and would just grind on me but as time went on we worked on it and things got more comfortable(always initiated by me) however I would receive minimal attention and she would always want to be drunk to do anything sexual to me because she said it made her more confident we later on looked at buying dilators to help out after a year of being together and they were quite effective I think she got to the biggest size within 3 weeks we then tried again and I managed to get the head of my penis in. However after that I went away on holiday for 2 months and she stopped using the dilators ever since I’ve come back I’ve had to initiate any sexual activity between us and would Be rejected most of the time it’s made me feel like she’s not sexually attracted to me anymore . I usually express this to her and she gets very emotional and promises to fix things and try again however this only lasts for a day and then it goes back to how it was I’ve tried to encourage her to do them but it’s not working anymore and I don’t know what else to do I’ve given her an ultimatum recently and she only Used the dilators once since(the same night of it) and it’s gone back to the normal lack of sexual attention I do really love her but I think I’m getting to the end of the road and I don’t want it to be.

[Jackie Giannelli, FNP-BC]

Hello Help1122 – first of all, I commend you on finding this forum and reaching out for help. It goes to show how much you do really care about your girlfriend to make this post.

Clinically speaking, consistency with dilation really is key to reaching comfortable penetrative intercourse. And that can be REALLY hard to do, especially when there is fear and anxiety around any kind of penetration. So I know it is hard not to take this personally, but rest assured it most likely has to do with pain and fear and not you! I would encourage her to continue dilating every day, for at least 10 minutes. And move up to the next size when her current size starts to feel too “easy”.

The fact that she was able to dilate up to the largest size is amazing! However, the “largest” dilator really does vary in terms of the different kits. You should try to measure your erect penis, and then measure the largest dilator. If the dilator is not ONE SIZE bigger than your penis, then you may want to consider another set. Dilating with a size bigger than YOU are will ensure she can get YOU in without any trouble. I would encourage you to wait to try intercourse again until you are at this point. Also make sure you are using TONS of lubricant with both dilation and intercourse. We here at Maze like a silicone/water based hybrid such as Sliquid, or even coconut oil.

I really hope this helps. I would also encourage your girlfriend to read through the posts on this forum. Just knowing she is not alone in this helps tremendously.

Jackie

[Helen Leff, LCSW]

Hi Help1122,
I hope you found all that Jackie wrote helpful to you. We understand that “painful sex” is a couples issue.
Our clinical director Dr Bat Sheva Marcus posted a blog on March 3,2020 on our website Mazewomenshealth.com titled: To The Partners of Vaginismus Patients. Perhaps reading it will be of value to you.
Take care and stay in touch,
Helen

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Help1122 – welcome to the forums. Jackie said it really well – it sounds like your girlfriend has taken this setback to heart and is very discouraged by it. The thing that’s helped me with setbacks like this is knowing that she got to that size once so she can do it again. She’ll just need to let go of her discouragement with herself and know that the path to recovering from vaginismus is winding. It’s normal to take a step back sometimes (as happens with so many challenges in life) but that she has been strong and focused before so she can find that same perseverance again.

Jackie is totally right about dilation being all about routine – it might help your girlfriend to just focus on, for example, dilating 10 or 15 minutes a day and knowing that that’s her long-term contribution to your sex life for now. Even if she tries for that long and isn’t able to make progress, it’s really about showing up and trying every day so your body really starts to get used to the feeling of being penetrated. If it’s just a daily task it might feel less emotional and fraught for her. Knowing that you’re there for her will help too, so a lot of reassurance is a good thing. Your support will go a long way!