[WarriorPixie]

Hi everyone. I’m Pixie, 27, from the UK. My story is quite complicated… I have suffered from anxiety since childhood, and when I was 14 I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. I still suffer from these disorders today, and they have an enormous impact on my life. I also developed co-morbid anxiety disorders, and I guess, maybe vaginismus could be considered one of them?

When I was 17 I got into a relationship that started out wonderful (the pink haze, the peace, the happiness), but became more tempestuous and toxic as time went on. I remember, near the end of 2008, when I was 18, my boyfriend was going out every Saturday, getting drunk until 3am, and then calling me, slurring all manner of things before falling asleep. We then had a very upsetting fight, not about the drinking (we had a lot of problems), and after this… My body wouldn’t let him in anymore. For the next 3 years we tried to work through it, but the relationship never got better or less painful, and unsurprisingly neither did sex. I broke up with him in 2011.
I’ve been single since, until now. I’ve entered a relationship with my best friend, who knows all about my struggle with vaginismus. He is hopeful, but I must admit I feel hopeless. The pain is… excruciating, and recovery seems completely impossible. I am using a dilator kit, and I’m currently stuck on the second size (which I think is 3 inches circumference). The pain is severe, a burning sensation, and there seems to be a wall (I think it goes in about an inch before it hits the Burning Wall, as I’m calling it). I have looked into kegal exercises, but I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’ve looked at kegal balls. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I will continue with the dilator, but I feel stuck. I don’t know whether to buy kegal balls or not. I have thought about therapy, and I would be willing to pay if necessary. But I’m hoping to get into general psychotherapy for my agoraphobia and lifelong anxiety. Can I have two separate therapies?
Thank you for reading!

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