Welcome New Members!

[Rachel Hercman, LCSW]

HI Becca,
So sorry you’re going through that. I’m glad you’re here. Hang in there— we see a lot of people who felt like their situation was hopeless and they were able to have a total change in their sex life, relationship, feelings about their body, and feeling just getting up in the morning.

One of the things that is hard about this is that so few doctors know how to treat it not just physically but emotionally as well….unfortunately, we hear that all the time.

[Florence]

Hi Ladies (and gents?)!

I have had this problem my whole life and it has messed up every relationship I’ve been in.

I have been lucky that the men I have had in my life have been for the most part wonderful and caring people, but I would be naïve to think the fact I can’t give them that one simple thing had nothing to do with my relationships falling apart. My terror of anything going near me has also led to me avoiding getting smear tests done which I know is important and reading some other posters on here it’s awful that they feel the same way but I’m honestly pretty glad that I am not the only one.

I actually looked at some videos on the net to see if there was something I was doing wrong physically and when you see these guys who are thicker than my wrists basically falling into girls I just couldn’t understand how it was even possible- and women in sex scenes on tv looking like they’re enjoying themselves – The thought of enjoying sex is inconceivable to me – all attempts have just left me curled up in a ball feeling like an utter failure. I’ve just turned 31 and I’m an only child and my mum (who doesn’t have a clue about vaginismus, or that I have it and if she knew she would totally dismiss it as silliness) keeps coming out with comments like ‘when are you going to settle down and have a family?’ and ‘so when am I getting grandchildren?’, ‘just so you know, menopause starts early in my family so you better get a move on’ and ‘you’re not getting any younger you know, your eggs are drying up. Maybe you should freeze some’. Thanks mum. Really helpful. The thought of pushing an entire other person out of me is up there with using an aeroplane as a dildo.

My current relationship with the kindest, most generous person in the world is on the very brink of collapse, and again although he wouldn’t dream of saying as much I’m sure that a huge part of it is because we lack intimacy and it has put this distance between us and I have built up so much negativity in myself around sex that I’m honestly scared to even try it. Without his kindness and support, and the fear of losing him outweighing my fear of my body I would never have gone to the clinic to talk to someone to get to the bottom of why this is happening. I don’t know if it is too late for my relationship but I have to try. If not for this one than to not have to go through this yet again for the next one.

I could have cried when the doctor told me I was physically ‘normal’ – partly from embarrassment at having to show myself to a complete stranger for the first time, partly from relief that I wasn’t deformed and partly from frustration that if I was physically fine why couldn’t I perform the simplest function that any animal can do? How am I failing so dismally at being female on such a basic level? I was really lucky that within half an hour she had made some calls and I was sitting in an office with a counsellor and I just got my letter through the post on Friday to see a sex psychotherapist.

I’m both excited and terrified to start this journey!

I really want to save my relationship and am putting myself out here because I know how important a healthy sex life is in a relationship but I honestly don’t even know what that means because I have never experienced it. I also know my insecurity and body image has got so low over the last year because I can’t perform that my negativity has really made things so much worse than they need to be, so I was googling to find out what the best positions are for people with vaginismus and I stumbled on this place. I actually burst into tears when I found this forum – I’m not an emotional person generally but finding other people – REAL people who are going through the same thing I am that I could actually talk to about this stuff has made me feel overwhelmed with so many different emotions – empathy, relief that I’m not abnormal, sadness that anyone else has had to experience the same thing, and above all, hope that it can get better

Thank you – you guys really don’t know how much it means to me to have found you after almost of 15 years of thinking I was some kind of freak and totally alone.

[mazemelissa]

Hi Florence,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to put it all out there. I think it is great that you have an appointment with a pschotherapist to start dealing with this issue. I also think that once you have worked with the psychotherapist for a bit, you might be ready to try a dilation home program. Or even try to find a pelvic floor physiotherapist to work with.

You are definitely not alone, and we are here to support you.

Melissa

[WarriorPixie]

Hi everyone. I’m Pixie, 27, from the UK. My story is quite complicated… I have suffered from anxiety since childhood, and when I was 14 I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. I still suffer from these disorders today, and they have an enormous impact on my life. I also developed co-morbid anxiety disorders, and I guess, maybe vaginismus could be considered one of them?

When I was 17 I got into a relationship that started out wonderful (the pink haze, the peace, the happiness), but became more tempestuous and toxic as time went on. I remember, near the end of 2008, when I was 18, my boyfriend was going out every Saturday, getting drunk until 3am, and then calling me, slurring all manner of things before falling asleep. We then had a very upsetting fight, not about the drinking (we had a lot of problems), and after this… My body wouldn’t let him in anymore. For the next 3 years we tried to work through it, but the relationship never got better or less painful, and unsurprisingly neither did sex. I broke up with him in 2011.
I’ve been single since, until now. I’ve entered a relationship with my best friend, who knows all about my struggle with vaginismus. He is hopeful, but I must admit I feel hopeless. The pain is… excruciating, and recovery seems completely impossible. I am using a dilator kit, and I’m currently stuck on the second size (which I think is 3 inches circumference). The pain is severe, a burning sensation, and there seems to be a wall (I think it goes in about an inch before it hits the Burning Wall, as I’m calling it). I have looked into kegal exercises, but I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’ve looked at kegal balls. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I will continue with the dilator, but I feel stuck. I don’t know whether to buy kegal balls or not. I have thought about therapy, and I would be willing to pay if necessary. But I’m hoping to get into general psychotherapy for my agoraphobia and lifelong anxiety. Can I have two separate therapies?
Thank you for reading!

[Florence]

Thanks Melissa I really appreciate it! I’m still waiting for my appointment with the psychotherapist to come through but I’m hopeful that things will get better 🙂

Hi Pixie! Welcome to the forum – I’m new too and also from the UK
I know the agoraphobia will make things more challenging for you, but if your hospital has a gum clinic I strongly recommend going there initially to ask for help – I went to my local hospital and the doctor and nurse were so lovely and so understanding. I’d never been to any kind of sexual health checkup so I was so embarrassed and shy and awkward but their kindness and compassion made it much less awful than I was expecting. They are the ones who referred me to a counsellor and followup psychotherapy. I don’t know if all areas in the UK are the same, but I’ve had depression in the past which I’ve received counselling for which I had to pay for so I was really surprised to find out that I wouldn’t have to pay for the psychotherapy – so it’s worth asking about that. The lady I’m going to see does sexual psychotherapy and that’s all she does, which could be why I can get it on the NHS? I don’t know if you were referred through some other way like GP if you would be sent to someone you would have to pay for.

From what I understand of kegels – next time you go to pee, try and stop peeing mid-flow and pay attention to how that feels and what muscles you’re using, and then later on try clenching and relaxing those same muscles as if you’re trying to hit pause on peeing, and that’s what you’re aiming for – I think they recommend it so you can be more aware of what your body is doing and so you can recognise when you’re all tensed up and understand better how to relax it. I am very new to this so I could be wrong in which case someone please say so! but that’s what I understand anyway.

Hope some of that helps
Good luck!
Florence

[Christine_Marie_Sommers85]

Hello everyone. First time I’ve logged in in awhile for 2 reasons. One was I was having difficulties entering the site. Realized I wasn’t typing in my username right & 2. I was under a lot of stress so I was having trouble dilating. I was able to remove myself from it & now dilating is getting easier. The last time I posted I was still dilating on 4. I am now on 6!
My boyfriend decided about a week ago to try and see if he could enter me. He told me to relax, pretend his penis was the dilator and to take my time. He went @ my pace before I knew it.. he was entering me! I didn’t believe him @ first but then I could feel what he meant. I was so thrilled my nerves got the best of me. I was shaking & crying. He wasn’t able to go the whole way in just 1/2 but its a major step, I honestly didn’t know when it was going to happen. I still need to keep dilating which is fine. I am going to keep it up until it’s very successful. My boyfriend is pretty happy this is working & he knew it would esp with lots of positive talk & his supporting actions.

[Aimee Goldman, RWHNP]

Christine-you have made so much progress. I think it is wonderful that you have such a supportive partner.
The first few attempts at intercourse are often riddled with emotions. First intercourse is often a bit awkward as your partner does not want to hurt you. I think that dilating before first intercourse makes all the difference in the world.
Wishing you best of luck-you will be fine. Remember we are here for you every step of the way!

[MAK7891]

Hello All,

This is my first time posting. Just diagnosed with vaginismus today by my GYN. Feeling pretty down. Long story, short. My husband and I have been married for almost 29 years. We used to have a great sex life prior to his issues with ED. Then, about 9 years ago, he decided we just wouldn’t have intercourse. I was devastated, but we continued to have a close sexual relationship minus intercourse. Then, as of four months ago, his urologist suggests a penile implant to correct his ED issues. He decided to have the surgery. Now, he has a “brand new penis” and my vagina (being unused for almost 9 years) is now in lock down. Now I am devastated once more. He is ready for sexual intercourse and now my vagina has decided not to participate. I am so depressed, deflated and embarrassed. I want to get back to where we once were, years ago, but it looks like a long and painful journey ahead of me that I am not looking forward to. Just very sad tonight. He is empathetic, but I don’t think he has any idea how terrible I really feel. Thanks for “listening”. I think I just needed to “talk” to someone. M

[Florence]

Hey M,
Welcome to the forum and I hope you feel less alone in this knowing that there are others on here who are going through similar issues! And I hope you feel less sad today than you did when you wrote your post *hugs*

update:
I’ve had two appointments with my psychotherapist now which were consultations and she’s agreed to take me on and my first official appointment is on Thursday which I’m excited about and frustrated about. This seems like quite a protracted process so far as the NHS is pretty stretched so there was a 2 month gap between my first and second appointment, two weeks between my second and now my third – my appointments are due to be bi-weekly, but because she doesn’t work the school holidays I have to wait until September til they can properly commence, which seems like a very long way off when a large part of why I’m doing this is to try and save my relationship.

Things with my fella are still unravelling, but he is doing his best to help me with this and I think him knowing that I wasn’t just rejecting him because I wasn’t interested in him or something has helped and the last few months have improved a lot. Now the issue is ‘love but not in love’ which may/may not have been influenced by lack of sex for the last 18 months and may/may not improve now I’ve started treatment – I don’t know, and I’m old and wise enough to have given up trying to predict the future. Feeling precarious in a relationship absolutely sucks, but either way I need to get this fixed for myself and not for anyone else.

It is hard to face maybe loosing him and dealing with this issue when my mum is putting a lot of pressure on me to get married and have kids before I dry up (I’m 31). We don’t have a close relationship and even if I told her she wouldn’t understand, and if I told her I was seeing a psychotherapist she would be very negative about it and just tell me to stop being a hypochondriac because there’s nothing wrong with me. Because she’s helpful like that.

I’ve just got some dilators and am making the transition from tampons to menstrual cups for ethical reasons and that too is an ongoing battle as the cup is considerably larger than a tampon and hurts like hell when I pull it out, but I’m hoping that as I went through this process with tampons before which don’t hurt at all now, that I’ll be able to do the same with the cup and dilators and help get things down there accustomed to being poked and prodded and stretched.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Florence! Good to hear from you, and it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on with your treatment :/ But one line in your post stood out to me: “either way I need to get this fixed for myself and not for anyone else.” That self-knowledge is the fuel that will power your engine. Wanting to fix yourself for yourself is something no one can take away from you. It’s great that you’re seeing a psychotherapist as well as using dilators – the mental effects of vaginismus are just as important to treat (in many cases more so) than the muscle spasming. We’re here for you if you ever have questions about your treatment or just want to talk!

[Christine_Marie_Sommers85]

Hi everyone. My boyfriend & I are still having a lil problem with sex. He can enter me (it still hurts some) but once he is sliding back. It hurts a lot. I’m not sure what I could do to help this out. He was thinking using a dildo to help me practice so my vagina can get use to the feeling of his penis going in me. I’m still using the dilator in the meantime too. Do you guys have any other advice or suggestions?

[Aimee Goldman, RWHNP]

Hi Christine
My advice is to dilate right before you have intercourse. We suggest to not have intercourse until you can comfortably dilate one size larger than your partners penis.
Make sure to use plenty of lubrication as well.
Good luck!!

[Rachel Hercman, LCSW]

” Wanting to fix yourself for yourself is something no one can take away from you.” -Recessivegenequeen

Great line!!!
So true. Sometimes when it comes to vaginismus treatment the focus becomes on getting better for the relationship, but this whole process is often bigger than that.

[Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSW]

Hello Christine,

Yes, using a dildo larger than your partner’s penis size is the way to go! We also recommend using it for about ten minutes before you have intercourse.
Best,

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Christine! The doctors are right – a dilator that’s bigger than your partner’s penis is a must, and it means that his actual penis will be way more manageable than the preparation, which is nice. A lot of the sensations that happen during sex feel weird at first. I remember feeling this way too since I had done more practicing with the dilator just sitting inside me, but the moving around is a new development for most people. Practicing with dilators, dildos, and vibrators all help, and it’ll get easier in time!