[Kiki]

Hello ladies! …and Dr P!

I loved Catherine story and I thought I was a great idea to start talking about my background first. I too had never have to start introducing myself commenting on the issues of my sexual life. English it’s not my first language so please excuse me for any grammar errors. So here’s my story as I have lived it. It’s really long but I tried to resumed it the most I could! Thanks to those who end up reading it all!

I was born and raised in the beautiful island of Puerto Rico. I am 24 years old and I have one big sister (27 yo) who is my best friend as well and 2 little brothers (one is 20 yo and the other one is 16 yo). I was raised by a Catholic family in a Catholic school, so I was surrounded 24/7 by my religion. Even though they always teach me that sex and mastubation was wrong and that the only time when sex was ok was when you got married, my mom was always very open when it comes to sex talk. Her mother never ever talked to her about sex, and growing up in the late 60’s / early 70’s no one at school talked to her about it either. She was my dad’s girlfriend since she was 12 and he was 15, very early for most of us. So everything she learned about sex was with him. She got pregnant when she was 18 years old and always told us how much of life she missed while raising us. I felt so sorry for her and I thought it was so sad that because of sex she missed out of the best years of her life. She didn’t wanted us to commint the same mistakes she did, so she always told us to wait until marriage and that our husband will be the only right person to have sex with. Also my parents always teach us how boys ALWAYS want just one thing from us and how we were the ones with the power to stop them by always saying no.

Even with all of this “advices” my mom gave to us, my sister got knocked up when she was 18. She was my mom’s star child, always getting straight A’s in school, when she graduated from high school with honors at age 15 (in summer she advance 2 grades in high school) she was granted a scolarship to study at harvard, but my mom thought she was too young to be there by herself and ask her to study her first 2 years in the University of Puerto Rico and then go finish her Chemistry and Law’s studies in there. But while in here my sister got in loved and then pregnant. It was one of the worst thing that could have happened in my family, almost broke my parents marriage, my sister miscarriage and ran away due to the stress and shameful situation she was living in. My mom was always having nervous break downs and was put in medication and my dad came out now suffering from heart dissease. It was chaos! Meanwhile I had to take care of everyone! Answer my little brother’s questions about what was happening with my sister, take care of my parents and track down my sister cause we didn’t knew where she was, we just knew she was on the states. I was just 16 years old and had now clue on how to manage all of this. It was like living in a novela!

My first serious relationship was when I was 18 years old with a guy a met at church, he was 29 years old and we were together for 2 years, we were engaged when we broke up. I didn’t really wanted to have sex with him so we didn’t but we did have some “foreplay” wich is how I noticed there was something wrong with me. But since I was avoiding sex I didn’t give too much importance to it. After we broke up I dated a couple guys but nothing serious. Now, I started a relationship with my current boyfriend when I was 21, we met a couple of months right after I broke up with my ex and after 2 months in the relationship I decided that I was mature enough to handle sex and “any consequence” sex may bring. I thought I waited enough and I was ready and in love. We tried to have sex with penetration for over a 2 weeks every day with no results. My sister was now a married woman living in the states with a guy she met on the Army and had a baby girl with him. So my new person to go to was my cousin who was 23 by that time. I told her what was happening and she was the one who mentioned to me that I may have vaginismus or that maybe my vagina was too small. She didn’t knew what vaginismus was but she have heard that women with it couldn’t have penetration sex. So I went to the internet and look for some info and educated myself about it.

I made an appoiment with my GYN thinking that he was more educated than me about it (one always is hearing about new rare diseases that you have never heard about before and doctors suddenly seem to know everything about them! lol) and what was my surprised when my GYN didn’t even heard me once I said the word vaginismus. I was so mad! I had bought the brochures I printed from that page and told him all my symptoms and he interrupted me saying that that was all in my head and to stop looking for erroneous diagnosis on the internet. He then proceed to do the regular exam with of course no succes. He tried several times, his nurse gave me some tips on how to make it less uncomfortable but nothing worked. I was so frustrated and ashamed that I burst into tears right there. They just went silent and looked at each other and then at me, I could see how the nurse was judging me, she wasn’t saying anything but she didn’t need to. The doctor said I needed to relax and suggested I get drunk and to use lots and lots of lubricant. I never went back to him.

I went to a sexologist 2 or 3 times but couldn’t do more since I couldn’t pay for it and my medical insurance won’t cover it. He knew what the condition was, and I felt relieved, but he needed to do more research on the treatment. He suggested me to use the dilators, just insert them as I could, but I couldn’t. I went to another web page that sells some books with the dilators and teach you how to put them along with your kegels exercises and my bf help me to pay for them since I couldn’t ask my parents for the money since I haven’t told anyone but my cousin about this. Me and my boyfriend thought this was going to be the end of this painfull process but nothing work. I went to a tantra and yoga seminar hoping to find the cure. The tantra teacher told me to listen to my body and that if this was happening it was maybe because my body wasn’t ready for this yet. He suggested me to smoke marijuana to help me relax. Needless to say it didn’t wok. Nothing has work.

This has been the most exhausting journey of my life, I’ve lost so much time, energy and don’t even talk about the money I’ve lost in the searching for a cure of my condition. I feel so frustrated and even have some kind of rancor and angryness for all the doctors and gurus I visited hoping for a solution and all they did was to tell me that I was the problem. I can’t wait to have the botox treatment done, this is my last resort and the moment that will define many things in my life and relationship. I just can’t wait to overcome vaginismus for once and for all and to leave this ugly chapter of my life way behind me!

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