The first hurdle is over… Now I need some words of support!

[Kesa]

Dear all,

For such a long time now I have read this forum in anticipation of the day that I could join the ranks of you brave ladies, and now sitting here having had the botox I feel quite overwhelmed and out of my depth.

I live in Europe and the option of coming to the states was never feasible given my finances. I’m 30 years old and have primary vaginismus so I could never insert a single thing, no matter how small into my vagina. In an act of kindness I can never repay my husband used all his savings to pay for private botox treatment. Due to my doctors lack of availability the whole thing happened so quickly and 2 weeks ago today I had the botox under general anaesthetic. Unlike Dr Pacik’s program, I did not have dilation and I was told to wait for 10 days before attempting penetration which was somewhat confusing given the way Dr Pacik does it. I followed this advice and for the past four days I’ve been inserting the smallest dilator, although only for 15mins at a time (but i can move it in and out without a problem) The burning sensation and psychological fear is still there, but the muscles give way! It’s a miracle!

I’m starting to panic though. Reading these stories of how other women could have sex within the first two weeks has disturbed me as i’m nowhere near ready to insert something as big as a penis. I also fear that the botox will wear off before I get to the stage where I can accommodate the largest dilator. On the net as well, I read a blog by a women whose doctor told her that most women need 3 injections before they can achieve intercourse. That is not a possible for me.

All in all, I think I will try to use the dilators for much longer and try to sleep with it in at the weekend before moving up a level. What my husband has given me is the most precious gift of all and i’m so grateful. For years I suffered with depression and abused drugs to block out the impact this condition had on my life. I just pray that this works…

Thanks for reading and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated x

[Heather34]

Hi Kesa! I am so, so happy for you that you had Botox treatment!!! Like you, I could never insert a thing prior to my procedure with Dr. Pacik, not even a q-tip. You wrote “The burning sensation and psychological fear is still there, but the muscles give way! It’s a miracle!” I felt soooooo similar to you and felt like post-procedure, my wall of resistance that had always even prevented me from being able to insert a q-tip disappeared and it was a miracle. In a prior post, another member also described her experience with the wall of resistance:

“…Even after the treatment, I was still battling to get the dilators past the wall… when I first got back home after our trip, I panicked that the botox was not going to work on me because I was still experiencing this problem as before, but over the following week, whilst it was still there, it because more easily crossable, and whilst there was some discomfort, the pain was only with the insertion, slight and very bearable. Last night, however, I found for the first time ever that the wall was not there!! I was able to easily insert the dilator without having to battle with this, and it went smoothly in. This was just with the small purple one, but a massive achievement and gave me so much hope. I’ve tried again this morning with the pink (going straight from the purple which I slept with), and the same was the case, and with zero pain! I will try the blue shortly, but as this ‘d-routine’ is such a roller coaster ride with so many ups and downs, I wanted to savour and share this progress whilst still on a high. I’m sure I will have more difficult days, but this has given me real hope that intercourse will soon be achievable!! …”

I think it’s beyond wonderful that you are making tremendous progress with the dilators as this was impossible in the past and I know you will succeed in transitioning with your hubby! It is the final victory of overcoming lifelong vaginismus that counts!!!

[Heather34]

Hi Kesa. I thought of a couple more ideas today. I wonder if you would also benefit from using the pure romance colored silicone dilators or the new glass dilators from the office. Also, Dr. Pacik has an excellent DVD available that discusses all aspects of dilating. I initially tried with the vag dot com dilators pre-procedure but could never insert them. What I really liked about the pure romance dilators is they were colored and silicone which made them more flexible. The largest blue one in the pure romance line is just a tiny bit smaller than the Candy Stick. Anyway, hope this helps and I believe that the DVD could certainly be useful in helping you on your journey to overcome. You can contact the office at 603-669-0290 or through their on-line contact form http://www.vaginismusmd.com/contact/ for more information.

[Kesa]

Thanks Heather, i have ordered some new dialators and I cant wait for them to arrive. I cant believe I saying that after avioding even thinking about penetration! I will update on my progress and once again thanks for your support.

[Janet Pacik]

Hi Kesa, Did you order the Pure Romance Dilators or the glass dilators from Dr. Pacik’s office? I do not see an order for them. If so, please let me know so that I can follow-up on the order for you.

[Heather34]

This is wonderful to hear Kesa. I, too, can remember when I couldn’t envision penetration of any kind, even a q-tip. Post-procedure, I was able to successfully insert the dilators and later my hubby for the first time in my life without the resistance feeling like I was hitting a wall. There are quite a few threads on different types of lubricants to use as well. I loved using the lidocaine/surgilube mixture with the dilators immediately post-procedure. Thereafter, I used YES lube as well as pre-seed. Hope this helps!!!