Question about husband

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  • #8926
    Possum
    Participant

    I’m not surprised by his reaction. Men go through a lot, balancing their desires and still trying to support their wives through these difficult times. At some point everyone just gives up and too often relationship glitches occur. The libido often goes south for both partners. Add to this the sudden switch after so much time, performance anxiety (which is a killer of erections) and uncertainty on the male’s part not sure that he will not be inflicting pain, and the stage is set for the disconnect you describe. Depression, when present, adds further difficulties. As with all things related to vaginismus, patience is the key. Each needs to support the other in the privacy of their intimacy.

    This is a very worthwhile post to help others understand that there are still challenges that lie ahead, surprises and confusion. It would be very helpful for others to weigh in. How do you feel your partner/spouse reacted the first few times? Was there emotional and/or physical disconnect or was it what you expected and desired? Was there erectile dysfunction? What else can we learn from this?

    #11582
    Dr. Pacik
    Participant

    I’m not surprised by his reaction. Men go through a lot, balancing their desires and still trying to support their wives through these difficult times. At some point everyone just gives up and too often relationship glitches occur. The libido often goes south for both partners. Add to this the sudden switch after so much time, performance anxiety (which is a killer of erections) and uncertainty on the male’s part not sure that he will not be inflicting pain, and the stage is set for the disconnect you describe. Depression, when present, adds further difficulties. As with all things related to vaginismus, patience is the key. Each needs to support the other in the privacy of their intimacy.

    This is a very worthwhile post to help others understand that there are still challenges that lie ahead, surprises and confusion. It would be very helpful for others to weigh in. How do you feel your partner/spouse reacted the first few times? Was there emotional and/or physical disconnect or was it what you expected and desired? Was there erectile dysfunction? What else can we learn from this?

    #11739
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi Possum. Recently, Rachel wrote an excellent reply post that I thought may be very helpful to you and your husband.

    “It has been difficult for my husband too because he finds it difficult to just flip a switch from being “rejected” to sex now being “acceptable” and this has been difficult for him too. I guess that we like before our cure from vaginismus are taking it one day at a time. I will never forget the words of a psychologist who said – “Sex is like a 3 course meal-you don’t have to have all 3 courses in one sitting.” Basically, he was telling me that I don’t always have to have the whole chibang-there are many ways that you can have sex. I guess the more pressure you put on yourselves in the bedroom the more your libido suffers! I suggest trying to increase and work on your intimacy and don’t try and work it all out in your head-I know I do that-I narrate whats going to happen next! Try going away for romantic breaks and enjoying the sex life that you now have and experiment!”

    I, too, believe that my husband had a difficult time going from 11 years of no sex to it then being instantly ok and us being able to have sex any time we wanted to and pain-free. It was and still is a journey for the both of us even 2-years free of vaginismus. I sometimes feel like I want to have intercourse a bit more than he does because he became so used to us being intimate with oral sex and in other ways for our whole 11-year relationship/5-year marriage in the past. What has helped us both tremendously is going away together. On these getaways, we always connect so well both emotionally as well as physically and the sex is amazing. Another thing that has really helped is, like Rachel said, to not put a ton of pressure on ourselves and to have fun with our intimacy by using the Lelo/Candystick for relaxation.

    Please know that you are not alone with any of your feelings and we are all here to support both you and your husband.

    #11772
    Nicole A
    Participant

    Thank you Possum for your honesty. You are very brave to share a post like this and I think lots of others out there probably feel the same. I haven’t undergone my procedure yet, so I cant provide any input, but I have wondered if something like this could be a challenge for myself or my husband. Thank you for sharing and I wish you the very very best.

    #11910
    Possum
    Participant

    Thank you for the replies. 🙂 A few months on and we are slowly making small progress- it’s a difficult situation as we live very remote (11 hours drive to the closest city) and have no support network. My husband suffered severe depression, which his doctor attributed to his low libido (I also think it was due to having to force himself to be numb for so long). However we are moving at the end of the year to the city where we can both get regular counselling and we’ll be seeing a sexual therapist to help us transition mentally and emotionally even though the physical side of things has improved. Despite it not being as smooth a journey as some post procedure, I keep reminding myself that where we are now is so far from where we were and for that I am very thankful.

    #11912
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi Possum. You are doing absolutely amazing – please know this and also know that we are all here to support both you and your husband. I think your move to the city sounds great and I think receiving regular counseling as well as seeing a sexual therapist will also be very beneficial. I love what you wrote “I keep reminding myself that where we are now is so far from where we were and for that I am very thankful.” This is so important. Whenever I felt discouraged with anything at all post-procedure, I would think back to what it was like pre-procedure and not even being able to insert a q-tip as well as the emotional toll that vaginismus took on my husband and I. I found that solely achieving intercourse was not everything and we had to work on re-connecting and developing intimacy with one another. It truly is a journey to go on and that we are continuing to go on together. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts. :):):)

    #12041
    Possum
    Participant

    Thank you! I really appreciate your encouragement. 🙂

    #12051
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Please know that we are all here for you Possum. One of your statements “I keep reminding myself that where we are now is so far from where we were and for that I am very thankful” is so true and such an important statement for so many in their journey of overcoming vaginismus. I absolutely LOVED it!!!!!! Sending you hugs!!!!!

    #12099
    Nakitalab
    Participant

    Hi Possum, just wanted you to know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. Each of our journeys are unique to each of us and you are truly an encouragement to me that you are persevering and not giving up. You are amazing and you truly have come so far. Sending you a big hug!

    #12165
    Possum
    Participant

    You are all so lovely. Your encouragement and prayers means a lot. You are also incredible examples of perseverance- thank you for sharing your journeys. I love how something that used to isolate me so much and make me feel so alone, is now a thing of the past- there is so much power in speaking up and coming together to encourage one another. While my journey is only just beginning as an overcomer of vaginismus, I know I am not alone anymore and I so hope one day that my experiences can encourage others and help others that felt as alone and worthless as I did, to find freedom from vaginismus. I cannot say thank you enough to Dr Pacik, Janet and the rest of the team for what you do- you are truly changing lives. This forum truly is a blessing!

    #12166
    Janet Pacik
    Participant

    Possum, I just wanted you to know that I think about you very often. Vaginismus definitely affects both the woman and the man. You are not alone and if there is anything Dr. Pacik or I can do for you, please do let us know.

    #12652
    Possum
    Participant

    I just saw this message Janet. Thank you so much. I don’t know what my husband and I would have done, had we not come across Dr Pacik and yourself. You are such a selfless and amazing wife to support your husband the way you do, and to allow him to commit so much of your lives to helping us overcome vaginismus. You both are a true gift from God and I cannot thank both of you enough.

    #12654
    Janet Pacik
    Participant

    Possum, Thank you so much for your kind words. Dr. Pacik and I are both devoted to helping women overcome their vaginismus. I am very proud of the work that Dr. Pacik is doing and will always stand behind him. Our patients are so wonderful and they all deserve to have a fulfilling life.

    #12880
    23years
    Participant

    I just read through these communications and started bawling. My anger and feelings of betrayal after meeting with my OBGYN of 23 years yesterday are now melting into tears. I am so upset that a doctor, a man that should be supporting me, advocating and WANTING me to have a normal sex life, free of pain, would cause me to doubt and question the people (Dr Pacik and his Team) that I need to embrace and see as friends and family, not enemies! It’s just so painful to be so victimized by the ignorance and insensitivity of the medical GYN community yet again. I mean “when is enough enough?” How many women have to suffer and for how long? Why aren’t more professionals arming themselves with information instead of sticking their heads in the sand or looking the other way? You’d think I would be used to this now but after 23 years of dealing with the big V, my skin is not thick enough (no pun intended) to withstand the ignorant comments and blows that come at the hands of…yet…another man who took an oath to help and not hurt.

    #12881
    23years
    Participant

    Just for any future women reading this thread, sorry if I bombarded such positive uplifting words with negativity. I was reacting emotionally to how positive Janet and Dr Pacik, Ellen and the Team are and how I might have cancelled my surgery I have scheduled if I had allowed myself to be swayed by my MALE insensitive OBGYN. We should never allow fear, anxiety or doubt to keep us from achieving our life free of vaginismus. Never. And no one, not anyone, has a right to feed into those voices of fear and anxiety. We all deserve a chance. Dr Pacik and Janet and the Team… The way I see it…are our only REAL chance.

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