Just looking for words of support <3

[rebeccaann]

Hi all,
My name is Rebecca, I am 22 and I am currently studying biology.
I have been living with vaginismus since I was 16, and as I’m sure most of you understand, the trauma from any attempt at sex has been great.
So just a little background, I was raised by a Catholic mother who didn’t believe in pre-marital sex. That being said, she is also realistic and understands that I won’t always agree. HOWEVER when I was sixteen I didn’t realize this at the time, I thought she would be totally unsupportive. So instead of telling her I could never put in a tampon and I can’t manage having sex with my current boyfriend, I just simply told her I was having sex and needed birth control. She got me on the pill quickly. I know it sounds crazy that I wouldn’t tell her, but I already felt ashamed and thought she would see it as a positive thing to be honest (which she has proven to me now is totally untrue…why did I deamonize my mother in my head so much?!)
So, fast forward to age 19 and I have met this guy who I am totally in love with. For some reason I thought he would magically fix this problem for me…he didn’t. However he was/is supportive and sympathetic and loves me in spite. So a year ago we moved in together and I still wasn’t anywhere near solving this problem.
In May I finally broke down and told my mom…she was confused (since I had been telling her for like 5 years I was sexually active) but she got me to a doctor (who was hard to find and incredibly expensive) and I had a surgery performed.
Here’s the hard part…
So I got that surgery in May…it’s the end of November now. I was supposed to be doing physical therapy once I healed (2 weeks after the surgery was done) but I can not get myself to it. I have intense anxiety and depression because of this. My boyfriend is incredibly supportive and won’t leave my side but I know it’s hurting him too.

I just need somebody to tell me it’s okay and I can get through this. I need success stories, I need people I can relate to…anything to get me going. Some days I struggle to get out of bed because the depression and anxiety I have from this is too much…I feel worthless, I feel inadequate and like something is wrong with me. Any word of encouragement would greatly help <3

[Heather34]

Hi Rebecca. Welcome to the Forum and thank you so much for your post. I am so, so, so sorry for what you are currently going through. Please know that I am here for you 100%. I had primary vaginismus during all of my 20s and it was so hard as I did not tell anyone except my then boyfriend/now husband and the few doctors we saw. I lied to my friends and they were convinced I had an amazing sex life. I just felt so alone with it at the time and never ever want you to feel like this. Please know that you have me to talk to and I will support you through this. I also understand the depression and anxiety that accompany vaginismus so well. I promise you that you can and will get through this and everything IS going to be ok. Following my Botox treatment program with Dr. Pacik, one of the most important parts to me was the post-procedure support that I received. I could talk to him about questions that I had regarding using the vaginal dilators and he offered tons of help and needed support. This was well before the Forum. Now, we all can offer help and support via the Forum.

There are a ton of threads that I can share with you regarding what physical therapy is like. Here is one in particular:

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/support/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=749

Have you used any vaginal dilators? I have used the Pure Romance ones post-procedure as well as the Pacik glass ones and love them both. I will share my thoughts with you on each if you would like? I also wanted to share the Newsletter regarding The Ins and Outs of Vaginal Dilation:

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/support/vaginismus-newsletter-archive/ins-outs-vaginal-dilation/

Most importantly, again, please know that you have my support and I am here for you 100%. Please write back and continue to post and please, please know that everything is going to be okay and you can and will get through this!!!

[Dr. Pacik]

Here are a few thoughts:
For anyone not wanting to share their problem with parents, just order my book “When Sex Seems Impossible…”, give it to your Mom and simply tell her “this is me”. You don’t need to say another word! It can be ordered through Amazon as book or Kindle.
There is considerable difference between mild vaginismus suitable for self treatment and severe vaginismus where it is likely you will need the Botox program under anesthesia. You can rate yourself by linking to [url] http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus/lamont-classification/ [/url] Let us know.
If you feel comfortable what type of surgery was done? Members of the Forum should know that hymenectomy rarely works for vaginismus.
This is an important conversation and I would like to hear from the others.

[rebeccaann]

Hi Heather,
Thanks so much for your support. I would love to speak to you more, I just booked my first PT appointment on December 14th, I am anxious/scared/feeling like I want to cancel but also in a way excited. I have joined a couple support groups and it has really motivated me to move on and start treatment. I am so incredibly thankful to have found people who know what I’m going through, like I said earlier I was under the impression that I was like 1 in a million, the weird girl, the odd one out who didn’t work properly. I still feel like that at times but it gets less and less as I learn more. I hope to talk to you soon!!
-Rebecca

Hi Dr. Pacik,
I got a vestibulectomy which I assume is a hymenectomy or similar. My doctor flat out told me it wouldn’t cure it and I would need therapy alongside, however my anxiety has gotten the best of me. I start PT soon though and I will be looking into botox!

[Heather34]

Hi Rebecca. It’s so nice to talk to you. I think it’s so, so wonderful to have this Forum as a means of support. Prior to my treatment in 2011, the Forum did not exist and my hubby and I truly thought we were the only ones in the world affected by vaginismus. Fast fwd to the day of my procedure and for the first time, we met another couple also going through it and we finally felt like we weren’t the only ones. Now, with the creation of this Forum, it removes the isolation that I so often felt while having vaginismus and please know that you are not alone with it at all. Currently, there are over 800 Forum members, many of who also have vaginismus and are working towards being cured.

I think it’s so excellent that you have your PT appointment coming up on 12/14 and I absolutely KNOW that it is going to go so, so well. Some tips for the day: If you can, bring your boyfriend with you solely for support. I live in Boston and Dr. Pacik is located only an hour north in Manchester, NH. On the day of my procedure, I had my husband with me and I was so nervous that I got sick in the car on the ride up and wanted to turn around several times (thanking God he drove and I didn’t). He easily would’ve turned the car around for me but didn’t (again, thank God) and I made it to the appt.

Another thought is please post here prior to your appt. and know that we are all right here for you and you have our support 100%!!!! Often times, talking about this in advance helps so much to reduce anxiety. Knowledge is power. To the ladies on here who have gone to physical therapy, what have your experiences been like? Please, please share.

Sending you hugs and support Rebecca!!!

[Heather34]

Hi Rebecca. I was thinking of you on Monday. How did your PT appt. go? Would you recommend this for other gals on here? Why or Why Not?