How wide should you be in order to have pain free sex?

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Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Sexual Pain That May Not Be Vaginismus How wide should you be in order to have pain free sex?

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    Hi there,

    Sorry if this a weird question, but I’m super insecure about this.

    One of my friends has been diagnosed with vaginismus, and she found a pelvic therapist who helped her. My friend said you actually need to be able to insert three fingers in order to have pain free sex, or at least, that’s what her therapist told her.

    I’ve always had the impression I’m pretty narrow down there. I can easily insert one finger, but a second one sometimes hurts and a third one is out of the question. Since I’m still a virgin I’m wondering what I should do now. How wide should you be to have pain free sex?


    Hi tammyg – thanks so much for writing and for your awesome question!

    The answer is: everyone is different. Our bodies vary anatomically, neurologically, psychologically – you name it. So there is no way to corollate your vaginal muscles’ tolerance for penetration to how you process sensation there.

    The only “normal” any woman should be concerned with is her own. Explore what works for you and what doesn’t, and if you experience any further challenges, seek out a midwife or gynecologist familiar with pelvic health concerns. Or give us a call! We offer free 10-minute phone consult and we can help you decide what your next steps might be.


    Hi tammyg!
    Jennifer is right, everyone is different! When I was overcoming vaginismus, Melissa told me that you want to be able to stretch a bit bigger than your partner’s penis so that way it will be a comfortable fit! If you’re really worried about it, I would never knock dilating off the to-do list! Vaginismus or not. If you’re thinking about penetrative sex, it could never hurt to prepare your body with at home physical therapy! The dilators range from pinky size to penis size and you’d only need to do it for 20 minutes a day, starting from the smallest and over time… working your way up to the biggest size. You’re able to get 2 fingers in, that’s great! You will be okay 🙂 You may not be able to get 3 in right now but that certainly doesn’t mean you won’t be able to, or that there is something wrong with you. Good luck!!


    Thanks so much for your encouragement and support of tammy’s, Heather! There is no greater source than someone who has shared a similar experience.

    Good luck, tammyg and let us know if we can be of further help!


    This is such a great thread.

    I agree with Heather that trying some dilation is a good idea.

    I don’t think the three finger rule applies to everyone.

    Partner size also can make a difference in the ease of penetration.

    If you are worried about intercourse for the first time, I think trying some dilation to gain some confidence in your ability is a good plan.

    Keep us updated!


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