December 19, 2015 at 4:31 pm #9420Hope1013Participant
Hi, I am 28 and suffering with vaginismus for 8 years. It started with my second boyfriend who pressured me into sex when I wasn’t ready. The relationship ended as I didn’t know what to do and every time we tried it just hurt and burned making me cry.
I am now in a long term relationship for 7 years. My partner has been passive in the situation where it’s felt it’s my problem and I need to fix it. He has now given the ultimatum that if he doesn’t see significant progress soon that our relationship is over. He has never even tried to read up or look into the condition or ask if there is anything he can do to help.
The worst part is that I was having councelling a few months ago privately (tried other counsellors and the dilators but wasn’t making any decent progress). She told me to learn about my body and what makes me feel good. Once I have that figured out o could get my partner to start inserting fingers when really aroused. Few months ago after just 3 sessions, we managed one finger completely pain free. It was the biggest progress I had made in 8 years, even my councellor was surprised how fast I was making progress. But I stopped trying as every time he had to focus to get me aroused he looked so bored.
We have stopped all intimate contact for 2 months and he confronted me last week with the ultimatum. When I confronted him about looking bored he said he found it too difficult to focus when he is aroused, which just sounded so selfish of him. He also didn’t think one finger was significant progress. I just feel so defeated now and with his complete lack of empathy and understanding I’m so distraught that the amazing progress I made was for nothing. I don’t know where to go from here. He has agreed to councelling but it’s not for another month and at the moment I am so angry at him that I don’t even want to have non penetrative contact with him anymore. I find myself crying all the time, finding it increasingly difficult to focus at work and feel like it’s taking over my life. Sorry for ranting but reading all the other stories on here has made me at least feel less alone in the situation, and for that I want to say thank you to all of you.December 19, 2015 at 6:02 pm #13996evett87Participant
Hello Hope !
I am also a 28 years-old suffering with vaginismus and also still a virgin.
As mentionned in previous forum I have also tried with no success to overcome vaginismus with previous boyfriends …
I cried a lot and felt desperate but you know what? They were not worth it… And I can’t speak for you and your boyfriend since you’ve been together for a long time but as for me I feel definitely better now without that deadline pressure those guys gave me.
At least now alone, even though I get lonely and I’m scared to date… at least I have no deadline and time pressure. SO PLEASE don’t you ever feel you owe anything to him. You owed him to try yes but he is extremely selfish to pressure you this way and not recognize your progress.
It would be inapropriate for me to give you advice on your personal life and relationship but I’m just wondering if you wouldn’t be better off without him and this selfish pressure… Or maybe you should have a very callm conversation with him explaining that you really can’t control this…
Anyway, hang in there, be strong, we are not alone and with motivation and the right people around us, we will fight this condition and win 🙂December 19, 2015 at 10:06 pm #13997KimberlyParticipant
Ive been suffering from vaginismus for 7 years, so I feel your pain, emotionally and physically. Vaginismus makes you feel like less of a woman (even when you’re not), it makes you frustrated, upset, angry, confused, etc. Whats really important is realizing that you are NOT alone. We are all here for you and have all walked in your shoes 🙂
I have to be honest, and tell you that your story really made me sad, because I dont feel as though your current boyfriend is right for you. I know I dont know you, or him, or the entire situation. But you deserve someone who is going to be your BIGGEST supporter, not your biggest source of pressure and stress.
For 3 of the 7 years I had this condition I was with a man who I loved very much as well. But after some time I realized that he actually wasnt treating me very well at all, and was constantly pressuring me to fix this problem, and made me feel like less of a woman. And that alone told me that he had no idea how this condition even works. It is completely out of our control. If a man cant understand that, or cant even do a simple Google search to read up on what you are going through, then he has some growing up to do, and he is not loving you with all of his heart.
For the next two years I was single, and it gave me extremely valuable time to grow and learn about myself, and learn to have more confidence. Then about a year ago I found my current boyfriend, who is the love of my life. He is the kindest, sweetest man I could ever ask for. And he has not pressured me ONCE about having sex. I am still diligently working towards being able to have sex, but he realizes this, and he understands, and he loves me anyways.
YOU deserve that too. EVERY woman deserves that. So please consider if this man you are with is truly the right person for you right now. I know its extremely hard, and I know you probably have strong feelings. But the things he is saying and doing are troubling you more than helping you.
I wish you nothing but the best, and just know that although this condition may seem neverending, it CAN be overcome. I used to not even be able to insert my finger as well. And now I can insert a medium sized dilator 🙂
Good luck, and happy holidays!!December 21, 2015 at 12:45 am #13998luluParticipant
I had the procedure in July and consider myself 98% cured. That 2% is just some mild anxiety and psychological issues that remain that I may never get over but does not affect me physically.
I realize that vaginismus is no walk in the park for the men. I can understand the levels of frustration they have and I can understand the anger some may have. Those are completely valid, human, feelings to have and no one can fault them for having those emotions.
However, it is important that every man realizes it is not under the woman’s control. I am sure you know it is a physical reaction to anxiety not a lot unlike a nervous stomach or nervous eye twitch but obviously much more invasive . But does your boyfriend know all of this? I think it would do him a lot of good to read more about the condition. Dr. Pacik’s book (When Sex Seems Impossible) has male perspectives and this forum has several perspectives from men that might help him understand more and realize he isn’t alone in this either. I won’t agree with giving you ultimatums but I realize that it may be simply that he is lost about it all just like you are and is handling it the only way he knows how. I have no way of knowing if this is true for him, but sometimes men feel the best way of handling something is just letting us women figure it out. Then they reap the benefits. Men do this in a lot of situations not just personal ones. When you are in a relationship, though, vaginismus is an OUR problem not a YOUR problem.
I hope my input is helpful and I hope you realize and truly believe that the progress you have made is amazing and do not let anyone let you think otherwise.January 28, 2016 at 10:39 am #14020Heather34Moderator
Hi Hope. I am so, so sorry for what you are currently going through. I had vaginismus during all of my 20s and into my early 30s. My then boyfriend, now husband, was also passive about it. He wanted to make love to me but did not want anything to do with vaginismus and felt, too, like it was my problem to fix and then we could make love. I eventually found Dr. Pacik’s website and ordered his book and, for the first time, involved my hubby and asked him to read it which he did. He then did become interested in this treatment as he saw that other couples also had our same problem. We had the Botox treatment program in NH and he was involved with the dilating afterwards (i.e. being by my side as I practiced inserting, removing, and reinserting the dilators and then placing his hand over mine as we did this). This was hard for me in the beginning as I, too, always saw it as my own problem to fix but with the support of Dr. P and his staff, I, too began to see it as something my hubby and I could work at and overcome together as a team.
I agree with what Lulu wrote: “I won’t agree with giving you ultimatums but I realize that it may be simply that [your BF] is lost about it all just like you are and is handling it the only way he knows how. I have no way of knowing if this is true for him, but sometimes men feel the best way of handling something is just letting us women figure it out. Then they reap the benefits. Men do this in a lot of situations not just personal ones.”
This is certainly how my hubby was until he read Dr. P’s book and saw that other people had this same problem. I would definitely encourage you to share Dr. P’s book with your boyfriend http://www.amazon.com/When-Sex-Seems-Impossible-Vaginismus-ebook/dp/B004GNFTNU and to also encourage him to read Dr. P’s blog and join the Men’s Forum: http://www.vaginismusmd.com/support/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=292
I think you have made absolutely tremendous progress. As I wrote above, I suffered with vaginismus all through my 20s and into my early 30s and could never insert a thing, even a q-tip or the smallest tampon without excruciating pain.
I also wanted to encourage you to contact Maze Women’s Sexual Health and work with them in any way possible.
914.328.3700 or info@MazeWomensHealth.com
Dr. Pacik trained their group and they specialize in treating vaginismus. Not only do they provide the Botox treatment program, but they also provide other several other treatment options as well. And, they also have out-of-town treatment options. I wanted to share a few links with you:
So importantly, please know that I, along with the Forum, are all here to support you. Please write back and let us know how you are doing. Sending huge hugs!!!
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