Fiance doesnt believe my pain

[haley1125]

I have only had one partner, and when we first got together I had no issue with sex. However after multiple UTI’s I could no longer have sex with out being in so much pain that it caused me to cry. Being only 19, I feel like i should have an issue. I went to more doctors then i can count and they all told me everything was in my head and there is no pain. My fiance agrees with them, and even went as far as saying i must have cheated and got an STD, then after that to me not wanting him anymore. Sex is almost always impossible to deal with. And even 3 days after sex im still in so much pain. He doesn’t understand and has gone as far to say maybe we should be together. And he has postponed are wedding.
Now after all the doctors I know whats wrong, and have no way to fix it. My Ins. has stopped and now ill never be able to fix this. How do I explain to him whats wrong?

[Heather34]

Hi Haley. Welcome to the Forum and thank you for your post. I am so sorry for your struggles with vaginismus and what you are currently going through with your fiancé. Please know that we are all here to support you. I met my now husband when I was 25 years old and this condition caused so many struggles for us as well. Have you tried using vaginal dilators yet? Post-procedure, I used the pure romance set which are all colored and silicone texture. They also have a handle which makes insertion, removal, and re-insertion easier. Also, now, there are the Pacik Glass Dilators available and these are even more comfortable than the pure romance ones and shorter in length. They are available through Dr. Pacik’s office. I would definitely suggest completing a contact us Form (available right through the website) and talking to the office further about everything. In addition to the procedure as a treatment method, Dr. Pacik also conducts remote supported dilation therapy and this would be worth exploring too. Again, the staff and Dr. Pacik can provide more information to you about all of this. It can be so frustrating when your partner does not understand that the pain is real and it’s even more frustrating that the doctor’s reinforce such. I think some useful posts to share with your fiancé include real-life testimonials from husbands and partners who witnessed the spasms and pain associated with vaginismus first-hand. I hope this helps and please, please know that we are all here to support you. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

“Dr. Pacik and his staff provided me with a set of surgical scrubs and invited me into the operating room. Before being placed under general anesthesia, Dr. Pacik allowed me to see and feel Olivia’s spasms. Then again once she was fully under anesthesia, to see that the spasms were still present. The value of this experience was immeasurable and allowed me to learn that primary vaginismus was a completely physical barrier and not a mental barrier for Olivia.”

“My wife just went through the Botox procedure with Dr. Pacik. I was with her the whole time. As Dr. Pacik recommended, I went into the OR with her while he gave her injections. I really got to see that what she was going through (vaginismus) was not a conscious decision. Her body just did it automatically.”

“Hello everyone. I would like to start by thanking Dr. Pacik, his staff and most of all my beautiful fiancee for being a strong woman and going through with the procedure. In the beginning of this problem, I wasn’t a strong believer of the procedure. I didn’t believe it till I finally saw it with my own eyes this past weekend. I saw what “Vaginismus” really is. I witnessed how my fiancee was put under with enough anesthesia to do knee surgery on a 250 pound man, and her vagina was still going into spasms. Dr. Pacik asked that I try to put my finger in her vagina but it was impossible. I didn’t understand how this was even possible. During that moment I felt this pain in my heart and felt horrible for not understanding how she felt the many times we tried and failed. Every attempt we would end up upset for not being able to make love. I want to encourage any couple suffering from Vaginismus to please consider taking this treatment. My fiancee is next to me as i type this with the pink dialater in place. She went from not even a small q-tip to a midsize dialater in hours. We are so happy we found Dr Pacik and his staff. We are forever greatful we live in a time where Dr Pacik is available to treat us. I have no words to describe how others feel,who have been dealing with this for years! Take a chance and look into it. What do you have to lose? Just your long life partner right? Exactly. Dont let this problem keep making your life miserable. Its a lot of weight to carry for both of you. I wish everyone the best and goodluck. Thank you for taking the time to read this.”

[haley1125]

As much as i would love to try, I have lost my insurance, and when i had brought my concerns to the doctors, i was told loosing it would be better for me. Then I would have to step away from the problem and my mind would heal my body. They also told me that because we can sometimes have intercourse it must be a body/mind issue. If it was anything else, then it would always be an issue, even if it is very painful.
In terms of dilators we have never used them, and im not sure where to get them and how much they will cost. Also, this will more likely then not have to be something I do on my own, for my fiance really doesn’t believe me. I did have him read this, but he doesn’t believe it is what I have because we are able to have sex sometimes, and all other stories are of “hitting the wall”

[Heather34]

Hi Haley. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Nobody should have to experience pain in any way. Please know that I am here for you always and you have the support of this Forum. I found 2 Blogs from Dr. Pacik as well as one Forum thread that I hope will help you:

In this Blog, Dr. Pacik discusses the Lamont Classification of Vaginismus, from 1 (the least severe) all the way up to Pacik 5 (the most severe).

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus/lamont-classification/

In this Blog, Dr. Pacik discusses Painful Sex.

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/painful-sex/

Finally, in this thread, there are many reviews of the glass dilators as well as information concerning pricing and ordering. In addition, there is also information on a helpful DVD that coincides with the glass dilators.

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus-md-forum/?mingleforumaction=viewtopic&t=703

I know that there are varying degrees of vaginismus and every women’s condition is unique to them. I think the dilators may be something to explore and may be very helpful. In my case, post-procedure, I found that dilating in advance of intercourse with my husband really, really helped. In the beginning, I would dilate for an hour or two prior. We also incorporated the use of a vibrator into our foreplay. Physically, by dilating in advance as well as using a lot of lubricant and a vibrator, the muscles were very stretched for intercourse and it was not painful at all. I hope this helps and please know we are all here to support you.

[haley1125]

The dilators will need to wait, it’s just not in my budget. But thank you for the help and the advice. It’s nice to know im not alone

[Heather34]

I’m here for you Haley and you are not alone with any of this. Please know this. I’m glad you found this Forum and look forward to reading your posts. :):):)

[haley1125]

Do you need to be treated before using dilators??

[Dr. Pacik]

One does not need to be treated to use dilators. The ability to use dilators is related to the severity of vaginismus. For women who are able to have intercourse, but it is very painful, dilators can be helpful and are well described on the website http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus/dilation/ (See also the menu along the left margin.)
A DVD on proper dilation techniques is available by calling the office 603 669 0290. Women who struggle with any form of penetration often have difficulty using dilators, and frequently the use of dilators is not possible.

[Bitesize]

You don’t have to go under the procedure before using the dilators. Like you, I had sex with no problem for years before developing secondary vaginismus (which came from us having nowhere comfortable to have sex for a long time) but I’ve been using the dilators for nearly six months now and things have improved so much!!
My boyfriend has been very supportive but this has caused some problems in our relationship and I can imagine how hard it must be for you feeling like your fiancé doesn’t believe you. Remember it’s not your fault – you have no reason EVER to feel guilty or bad. Is there anyway you could get your doctor to recommend you to a therapist or counsellor about this?? I know I’m in Ireland so it may be a little different but I went through the public health system and am getting Psychosexual Therapy free of cost – the waiting list was long but it was worth it, definitely. Could you do something like this??

Either way remember that we are always here to support you, and that this problem will NEVER be bigger than you. Stay strong. xx

[Heather34]

Hi Haley. Tonight is my first night back on the Forum. As Dr. P and Bitesize wrote, you do not have to be treated to use dilators. Another thing that I thought of and wanted to mention is that it may also be helpful to use a vibrator along with the dilators. I’ve done this with the We Vibe, Candy Stick, and Lelo Liv prior to dilating in the past as well as prior to intercourse and it always helped so, so much. As Bitesize wrote, please know we are all here to support you always!!!!

[haley1125]

Where can i find dilators??? Or any specific kind you all recommend?

[Janet Pacik]

The Pure Romance Vaginal Dilators come as 6 dilators to a set with the following circumferences:

# 1 Dilator = 2 inches or 50.8 mm (length = 2.5 inches)
# 2 Dilator = 2.5 inches or 63.5 mm (length = 3 inches)
# 3 Dilator = 2.75 inches or 69.85 mm (length = 3.5 inches)
# 4 Dilator = 3.25 inches or 82.55 mm (length = 4 inches)
# 5 Dilator = 4 inches or 101.6 mm (length = 5 inches)
# 6 Dilator = 5 inches or 127 mm (length = 6 inches)

The Pure Romance Dilators come as a set and cannot be purchased separately. The cost is $89.00 plus shipping.

For additional information on the Pure Romance dilators, please visit our website:

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus/vaginismus-aids/pure-romance-vaginal-dilators-set-of-6-dilators/

The Pacik Glass Dilators come as 3 dilators to a set (#4, #5, #6) in similar sizes in circumference to the Pure Romance line of dilators but approximately 3.5 inches or 88.9 mm in length. A smaller #3 dilator and a larger #7 and #8 dilator is also individually available. The #7 and/or #8 glass dilator is ideal for transitioning to intercourse when the partner is larger than the #6 dilator.

# 3 Dilator = 2.5 inches or 63.5 mm (length = 3.5 inches)
# 4 Dilator = 3.25 inches or 82.55 mm (length = 3.5 inches)
# 5 Dilator = 4 inches or 101.6 mm (length = 3.5 inches)
# 6 Dilator = 5 inches or 127 mm (length = 3.5 inches)
# 7 Dilator = 5.5 inches or 139.7 mm (length = 3.5 inches)
# 8 Dilator = 6.25 inches or 158.75 mm (length = 3.5 inches)

The glass dilators come as a set or can be purchased separately. The set of 3 Glass Dilators (#4, #5, #6) is $160.00 plus shipping.

For more information on the Pacik Glass Dilators, please visit our website at the following link:

http://www.vaginismusmd.com/vaginismus/vaginismus-aids/pacik-glass-dilators-set-of-3/

If you would like more information on the Pure Romance Dilators or the Pacik Glass Dilators, please call our office (603-669-0290) and speak to Lisa Foley, Monday through Thursday 8:30 am to 4:30 pm EST and Friday from 8:30 am to about 2:00 pm.

[Heather34]

Hi Haley. I have both the Pure Romance and Glass ones and really like them both. I think if I had a preference, it would be for the Glass ones as they are shorter in length and easier to leave in while completing tasks.

[haley1125]

The Glass are not in my budget, so im going to wait for the Pure romance to come back in stock and give those a try, anythings worth it

[Janet Pacik]

If you call our office and speak to Lisa Foley, you are able to buy the Pure Romance Dilators from our office. They are $89 plus $9.95 for shipping. Lisa can be reached at 603-669-0290 Monday through Thursday 8:30 am to 4:30 pm and Fridays 8:30 am to 2:00 pm.