Dismissed By Doctor

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    I’m not even sure this is what is going on with me but it seems closest and I just had the most humiliating and depressing doctor’s visit so.

    I’m 36, I’ve only had one partner in my life as a teen and she was female. I’ve always had painful pelvic exams and pain using internal menstrual products and pain trying to use toys on my own. My previous primary doc, on an exam, said that my vaginal opening was much smaller than she would expect to see on an adult woman and recommended seeing a GYN to help with that, especially if I was considering dating men.

    I was embarrassed and then had a big move so I didn’t. Finally decided to try and was basically laughed at by the doc. They couldn’t understand why I would bother coming in if I wasn’t sexually active, and also seemed to have a great deal of trouble understanding that I wouldn’t be at my age.

    The doc point blank told me – it’s going to hurt a lot the first time and probably for a while when you first have sex, you’ll bleed a lot and I won’t consider referring you for any treatment unless you’re having repeated sex with men that’s excessively painful. The fact that I also can’t use anything penetrative on my own and might want to is apparently not an issue.

    I left crying and shaking and I basically am at the point where I think maybe I should just give up dating and never leave my house again. It took me so long to finally look into this and now…

    Has anyone been taken seriously with this issue if they aren’t in a sexually active with a male partner? I think at this point I’m stuck with anything I can find on line because I don’t think I can ask a doc again in person after this. Or is she right and I’m just being stupid?



    Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry you went through that! That is NOT okay. You are NOT stupid. Having the courage to bring this up to your doctor is a HUGE first step. Using tampons and wanting to overcome the pain that comes from penetration is VERY VALID, healthy for both your mind and body, and a great idea – regardless of whether or not you have a partner.

    The first time I brought up vaginismus and my (very similar) issues with pain down there (I couldn’t use tampons or insert anything either) was in 2014, a couple years before I ended up going to Maze Women’s Health in 2016 to eventually overcome my vaginismus with dilators. In 2014, I was not sexually active at the time either but was starting to date someone so I discussed my issue with my doctor and also had him do an exam (not pap smear) to make sure things seemed normal.

    He wasn’t nearly as unprofessional/rude as yours; while he didn’t have too much valuable advice about dilators/etc. (all the valuable advice came from Maze in 2016), he let me know a lot of my issue might be mental (and he didn’t say it in a mean or condescending way, he was very understanding).

    After going to Maze and getting through the dilator physical therapy I realize he was right – while not ALL of it (of course the pain is valid and real), a lot of my issue was overcoming the mental blocks I had, which Maze and the on-site therapist Nicole T. helped me do.

    Until you’re ready to see another doctor or a pelvic floor therapist, I do recommend browsing these forums and asking any questions that come up. Buying a set of dilators might help. Personally I needed the help of Maze to use mine, but if you’re able to insert the smallest one on your own (use lots of lube of course, and PATIENCE), you may be able to insert larger and larger ones over time until you’re comfortable with most or all of the dilators.

    Obviously it’s easier said than done, but so many of us here on the forums have been in very similar situations to you and have overcome our vaginismus, and I know YOU CAN TOO! 🙂

    keep us updated!

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