Dilating in Different Positions
November 14, 2012 at 6:53 pm #8734NakitalabParticipant
On day 14 post procedure we had successful penetration with no pain and what a blessing that was. But now it is day 21 and I’m afraid to try again. I’ve let my hubby help me dilate three times now and he has suggested that we take Dr. Pacik’s advice to dilate in different positions. Tomorrow we are going to watch our first sensate focus video and then my husband wants me to try dilate in different positions and let him help me. This makes me so nervous just thinking about it. Has anyone else dilated in different positions? Has anyone else had or have trouble trusting their partner?November 14, 2012 at 11:27 pm #10717Heather34Moderator
Hi Nakita. These are very, very common concerns. While I haven’t dilated in different positions, I remember having trust issues in the beginning post-procedure and feeling like I had to control everything with intercourse. In an earlier post, I discussed two things that really, really helped us and I hope this helps you.
“The things that really helped us were good communication, letting go of my need to control the situation, and allowing him to really lead and take control of his insertion and intercourse. We communicated very well while transitioning and he told me that nothing made him feel less manly (or demasculated) than having me instruct him on the proper steps to follow for this and he said it was also a turn-off as he was focusing more on my instructions and less on the joy and fun of the moment. I was so happy that he was honest and told me this as it helped me to see it from his perspective. The second element that really helped me was letting go of my need to control the situation. In order to do this, I focused on two things: a) trust, trust, trust – the more that we experimented with the dilators together, the more I mentally knew, trusted, and associated my hubby with pleasure and not pain and b) confidence exhibited by him – I knew that he had a lengthy sexual relationship in the past and, thus, knew exactly what he was doing. With this trust and confidence in him, I let him have the majority of the control and he entered very gently in the beginning and just fully knew what he was doing and how not to hurt me. Then, it was just like waking up with the dilator, I associated him and intercourse with not hurting and the more we did it and practiced, I then associated it with pleasure.”December 13, 2012 at 11:43 am #10802tigerkittyParticipant
My partner and I have has similar issues in this regard. Whenever we’ve attempted intercourse I’ve always needed that level of control over the situation, otherwise I worry he might do it wrong and hurt me. It’s silly because unlike me, he has had a sexual relationship before so he does know what he’s doing, but I still worry that he’s poking the wrong hole, or entering at the wrong angle or not taking my feelings into consideration, which makes it hard for us both to continue to feel in the right mood and he gets frustrated.
I’m hoping I can take Heather’s advice posted above and develop that level of trust with my partner so that I can let some of that control go for the next time we try. Trying the different positions is something that definitely scares me. Something in my head just tells me that it might feel different or hurt more if we try doing it differently.December 16, 2012 at 10:22 pm #10745NakitalabParticipant
I totally understand how you feel tigerkitty. If I’m not in control I feel totally vulnerable and I don’t like that feeling. We were able to watch one sensate focus video but that is all due to my husband living out of town during the week and coming home just for the weekends. Trust is a huge issue with me and part of that is because of what someone did to me many years ago when I was right out of high school. I was so afraid of intercourse as I couldn’t even insert a tampon and my fiance at the time was told to get me drunk and then when I’m relaxed ram his fingers into me and that would break my hymen and would allow him to penetrate. Well I did get a little tipsy and when we were being intimate I knew what was coming and I told him that I didn’t want to do that and he said not to worry that he wouldn’t and that I could totally relax. Well as soon as I relaxed he jammed me. It hurt so bad and I cried and from the day forward I haven’t been able to trust anyone down there. Eventually he ended our relationship and I know it was because I wasn’t able to have intercourse. I even have trust issues with my husband of 31 years who has never done anything to make me distrust him. So for me I know need to work on my mind so that it catches up to the wonderful progress I have made with the dilators. I hope that you are able to talk with Dr. Pacik. He is awesome and will make you feel so comfortable and will give you hope! You can overcome this tigerkitty! I promise!September 24, 2013 at 1:54 pm #11905Heather34Moderator
Nakitalab, I am so very sorry you had to experience this with your past relationship. Please know that we are all here for you. I think your post concerning dilating in different positions and trust is so important for newly treated patients. I found that by practicing with the dilators in different positions and then introducing the vibrators, this continued to help me build more and more trust with my hubby. In Dr. Pacik’s counseling, he often discusses dilating in different positions and involving the partner as this will aid so much in the transition to intercourse. Have you now found that dilating in different positions has helped you to build trust with your husband? Would you also recommend it to other newly treated patients?
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