[KitKat4799]

Hello, my name’s Catherine, I go by Kit, I’m 21. 🙂 Cannot tell you what a relief it is to find a forum of other women in the same boat – and have a place to talk and vent and receive support.

Bit about me – I grew up in a household that didn’t really talk about sex – I mean, I had the “talk” or whatever when I was 11, but that was basically it. I got to the point that I felt guilty if I had a crush on a guy, sex was bad (off limits, NOPE, don’t even think about it until you get married and even then, ewwww. and girls having sex drives? unheard of. that was for men. only men are sexual creatures, not women. unthinkable to be sexually aroused.) and I tended to fall into a deep psychological pit of anxiety and spiraling that I don’t think I even realized at the time; I think I buried it pretty deep because honestly, I’ve never really struggled with overt anxiety. I think now it’s catching up to me, though.

So, at 15, tried using a tampon. Extreme pain and burning, like I’m hitting a wall. I’ve tried again and again, same results, and now just to see a box of tampons makes me sweat. I finally worked up the nerve to have my first gyno apt yesterday, and I had my worse fears concerned – I have vaginismus, and I’m supposed to start pelvic floor therapy this week. To top it off, I’m getting married in 2 months. I’ve been sexually inactive so far, and in the past year I’ve adopted a much healthier view of sex, but it takes awhile to adapt to a healthy mindset. Now that intercourse seems off limits in my marriage, I’m devastated – I don’t know what to do, I feel shame, I feel broken – and more than anything I feel like I’m destined to be a disappointment. All of these feelings of shame keep welling up, and I know that’s a result of past trauma regarding poor sex education. I’m scared of what this journey is going to look like.

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