[JD2009]

Hi, all, I’m 30 and have just been diagnosed with vaginismus…I have a lot of questions but not I’m having a hard time finding answers. It seems I’ve had this condition for about 20 years—I first started experiencing pain when I got my period. I was told it was normal and I should just…deal with it. I used to (and sometimes still do) experience spasms just walking around—no contact or penetration necessary. When I started using tampons (or trying) it was very painful at first, but everyone assured me that would stop. I forced tampons in. My pain grew worse, but again, I thought I should just suck it up. I ended up with an ovarian cyst at 15 and when I started getting cysts regularly, I thought that must have been the reason for my pelvic floor pain. I got married, and sex was excruciating. I told my husband it was normal (because I had been told it was), and with us both being virgins, we had no idea it wasn’t. Three months later (still having painful sex) I was pregnant. I had a very painful and complicated L&D as I was not dilating—I was having vaginal spasms with every contraction. I didn’t know this was not normal. Eventually we both went into distress and I got a very large episiotomy. I continued to have pain. After quite some time, I tried sex again. My husband told me he really didn’t think this was normal anymore, and we began to talk about what helped and what didn’t. My pain didn’t disappear but we found that with LOTS of relaxation techniques before sex, and LOTS of foreplay, and LOTS of lubricant, we were able to have sex without agony. Sometimes I would experience pain and sometimes I wouldn’t. A lot of it depended on my mental health. I had 3 more children, with the same problem each time, but we discovered that with an epidural, I would dilate VERY quickly (usually from a 2-3 to a 10, between 30 min and 2 hours later). After my fourth baby, which was my most painful labor, I had PPD and PPA. My husband and I continued to communicate extensively, and more recently decided there must be something to this continued pain. Even though we were able to have sex and I could usually enjoy it, I would experience spasms at times, and penetration was sometimes still difficult. I went to see my midwife and she diagnosed me and referred me to a PT. I’m currently trying to work through a lot of this because it feels like drinking from a fire hose. I have a history of sexual abuse and now it is starting to look like I won’t see progress until I find a therapist to help with the trauma I’ve experienced. Since beginning PT, my pain has DRAMATICALLY increased. I’m frustrated and nervous and scared and angry. This shouldn’t be happening, I shouldn’t have been lied to, I shouldn’t have been touched, I shouldn’t have been ignored. I’m really hoping that here I will find community and answers. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope you all are having success—the more stories I encounter the less alone I feel.

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