Welcome New Members!

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Hi there. I’ve just signed up to this forum, hoping to find some inspiration and support from what I can see most people agree is one of the loneliest conditions in the world. I’m 36 and live in the UK. I’ve been with my boyfriend (S, from hereon in) for just over ten years. He is the first and only man I have had penetrative sex with, and is very supportive of my condition. Prior to this I had one serious boyfriend for a year, but we never had penetrative sex. My mum also knows about it and my GP. BUT even though S and I have intercourse, I still have vaginismus and it is affecting my life and where I see my life going. I find sex painful 90% of the time, unless I have had a few drinks to relax, and we always have to use lubricant. I’m terrified of having my cervical smears (I actually passed out having the first one) and dread getting the letters every three years – it’s so traumatic, I’m so anxious about them and I have a habit of replaying the past ones in my head, which is not helpful. I don’t even know where my vaginismus originated (I haven’t been abused or assaulted). I grew up with just my mum (my parents divorced when I was very young), who was quite reserved about anything to do with sex. She never gave me the ‘birds and the bees’ talk and when I started my period (just before I turned 11), she hadn’t even talked to me about that – so for me, it was something to keep a secret and a bit of a ‘curse’, so I guess I have various issues surrounding that, to a point where menstruation is almost viewed as shameful. I’ve probably used three tampons in my life – all relatively unsuccessfully – in other words, I have felt them inside me, so know I have inserted them wrongly. I’ve had to have two colposcopies for bleeding after sex (which turned out to be a cervical ectropion on both accounts). They were unbelievably traumatic and painful and I was not cared for sensitively by the doctors on both occasions – very few of them seem to know or acknowledge what vaginismus is. The nurses were kind, but I remember one particularly nasty (female) doctor almost shouting and getting angry with me and saying things like ‘what’s the matter with you, were you raped?’ I know now that I should have complained about her behaviour, but I was just so upset at the time, that all I wanted to do was get out of the hospital. All of that sets you back each time, it is so demoralising. I spent the best part of £500 earlier this year on one-to-one hypnotherapy sessions in a bid to help me relax more and talk more openly about things. The sessions have helped somewhat but I still struggle – not only because of the vaginismus but I generally am and always have been a very anxious person. I have sought out two courses of CBT for anxiety and panic attacks I have been having for the past five years or so (mainly at work), so there are lots of overlaps in my life. Every day feels like a battle. A few months ago, having read about them, I decided to purchase a set of dilators on Amazon. They arrived ages ago and I think I have used them maybe three or four times. I just can’t bring myself to use them, the thought of doing so makes me feel sick – I can’t even get my own finger inside me as I don’t like the way it feels. I’m now at the point of thinking about where my relationship is going to go with S as we are going through a really tough time (with work, future, life in general). I know he would like a family but the thought absolutely terrifies me. I can’t imagine having to push a baby out of myself, it is horrifying to me. And where are all the good birth stories anyway? All you hear are the dreadful ones. Because of my anxiety wrapped up in all of this I then get caught up in thoughts of, ‘well even if I did have a baby, I’d make a terrible mother as I’m so anxious about everything all the time’ or ‘well, I’m 36, I bet I’ve hardly got any eggs left anyway, what’s the point?’, etc etc. I realise that I may be at a different stage to some of the other women on here, but I would like to hear from anyone who can offer support and advice on how to move forward with this. This isn’t something I feel I can talk to friends about at all. I had one conversation with a friend, who had never heard of it. Another friend, we got as far as my fear of pregnancy/childbirth and then she is just about to start her first round of IVF with her husband, so my problems seemed not as important. I guess the main thing is to keep going with the dilators, until I become more comfortable, but I’d be grateful for any advice/support – or direction to other forums on here where I may find peace of mind. Many thanks in advance, CherryBlossomGirl

[Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSW]

Hello CherryBlossom Girl,

Thanks for joining the forum. I can feel how frustrated you are trying to deal with vaginismus in a world that does not recognize it as a “real” and treatable issue. I hope you have read many of inspiring stories on the forum. I think getting the dilators was a great start, but like many of our patients it is hard to get motivated to use them on a regular basis. Have you tried working with a physical therapist with the dilators? Often having someone help guide you and provide encouragement can help with the dilation process. I totally understand that you do not feel comfortable discussing it with a friend, but have you spoke with a therapist? While talk therapy alone cannot cure vagnismus, it can help ease the anxiety that you are experiencing. Many patients have found that a combination of dilating with a medical professional and using talk therapy can make a big difference. I am wishing you all the best, and please do read some of the other stories on the forum, and let us know how you are.
Take good care,
Nicole

[mazemelissa]

CherryBlossomGirl,

Welcome to the forum.

I totally agree with Nicole, that finding a practitioner to help you work with the dilators can be so helpful.

I also feel that the anxiety with vaginismus can be very overwhelming. And until the anxiety is better under control, it can be extremely difficult to move forward in treatment. If you haven’t consider an evaluation for anxiety medication, I would strongly recommend you do so.

Short term use of anti-anxiety medication to help get started with dilation can be super helpful for our patients at MAZE, and I think you would benefit as well.

Melissa

[mazemelissa]

CherryBlossomGirl,

Welcome to the forum.

I totally agree with Nicole, that finding a practitioner to help you work with the dilators can be so helpful.

I also feel that the anxiety with vaginismus can be very overwhelming. And until the anxiety is better under control, it can be extremely difficult to move forward in treatment. If you haven’t consider an evaluation for anxiety medication, I would strongly recommend you do so.

Short term use of anti-anxiety medication to help get started with dilation can be super helpful for our patients at MAZE, and I think you would benefit as well.

Melissa

[Christine_Marie_Sommers85]

Hi Heather…so sorry to hear about your son. Glad he is doing better though. I unfortunately can’t get the Botox treatment but i am trying to find ways to make dilation easier on me. But writing it down sounds like a good idea & thanks for your support. There are time I don’t want to tell my boyfriend what size dilator I am on because of frustration. But he told me today. I need to be told positive feed back, to give me confidence.

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Thank you Nicole and Melissa. I’m going to take a look at the success stories on here as I haven’t explored the forums much as yet. I’m also looking into seeking a therapist near me, which will hopefully help. I hope to have some positive news next time I post. Many thanks, CherryBlossomGirl

[Heather34]

Hi CherryBlossom. I am so sorry for what you are currently going through with vaginismus. In regards to the ob/gyn tests, I felt so, so similar while having vaginismus and just could not have any insertion of the speculum no matter how hard I tried to “just relax” and even took anti-anxiety medication before. It never ever worked. I am so, so sorry for the doctors you experienced that did not understand it. I, too, went to so many who knew nothing about it and even misdiagnosed me with vulvodynia which I never had. I ordered a set of dilators on-line and, similar to the ob/gyn exams, could never insert them. I tried to do the workbook and could not even insert the smallest one. I ended up finding Dr. Pacik and having the Botox procedure. Following this, I was able to insert the Pure Romance set of silicone dilators. They have handles which makes them so much easier to insert, remove and reinsert. They are also softer than the hard plastic white ones I once had and the lubricant stays on them (which I always liberally applied). I was able to get beyond the wall of resistance/pain/fear and insert the dilators and later make love to my hubby. I am so, so glad you found this Forum and want you to know that I am here for you 100%! I, too, never felt like I could talk to my girlfriends about it and felt very alone with it. Please know that you don’t have to as, again, we are here to support you. In regards to using the dilators, if you feel comfortable discussing, what set are you currently using? I have used both the Pure Romance silicone set as well as the Pacik glass ones (which sound intimidating b/c of the glass but are surprisingly comfortable). In the year after my procedure, it helped me so much to keep a dilating log so I could always track my progress and it made me feel accountable to me. I, too, could never ever insert a finger b/c I also didn’t like the feeling but I did become comfortable inserting the Pure Romance dilators and later my husband. I also found that a vibrator (for us, Lelo Liv) helped as well as it was a similar size as the dilators and helped to make it less clinical. I hope all of this helps. Sending you support today. :):):)

[Heather34]

Hi Christine. I love the idea of positive feedback and it has helped me so, so much. If you ever don’t feel like sharing it with him, please share with us and we can support each other and provide positive feedback here as well. Another thing that always helped me was to say “you are now so far from where you once were”. I would think back to not being able to insert a thing and then feel happy that I was now able to dilate and it always helped me to stay focused and want to do even more. I remember you said your anniversary is coming up in November. Happy Anniversary in advance!!! I used to have tons and tons of stress when we had an anniversary. On the one hand, I was so excited to celebrate but, on the other hand, I felt the many emotions that go along with vaginismus. My husband helped me here so much b/c I shared how I was feeling about the anniversary with him and we were able to enjoy intimacy in other ways that he really liked as well (i.e. oral, etc.). I hope not TMI but it may be helpful to lessen any stress. Sending you big hugs today!!! :):):)

[Christine_Marie_Sommers85]

Thanks so much! My boyfriend is actually really proud of me that I’ve stared on the 5th dilator. He knows positive talk helps with my confidence and it’s making me feel good that he feels proud. I do have a concern, I notice a few days ago I was bleeding while using the dilator. I figured it was because my vagina is trying to open up so I thought that was good but then I got my period. Would that cause it?

[CherryBlossomGirl]

Hi Heather34. Thank you for your story, advice and support. Following the recommendation of Nicole and Melissa, I have made contact with a therapist – and already had an initial session with her. She thinks that maybe I don’t have true vaginismus (and I think she may be right, as I can have intercourse, it’s not comfortable but it happens). She thinks I may have it to a degree but I may have a phobia. I’m working with her and have my second session in a couple of weeks, so will see where things go from there. Until then…

[newsoul11]

Hello!

I’m 28 years old and just got married in September 2016 to my partner of 6 1/2 years. I’ve been struggling with dyspareunia since my first relationship in 2006, where it was painful to have manual sex and impossible to have intercourse at all. After struggling and getting no where, I was diagnosed with a microperforate hymen at 19 and had a hymenectomy in 2009. I had a brief period of time with my now husband where sex was not painful, but the past 5 years have been full of ups and downs. My husband is extremely supportive and I can “shut off” feeling sad about this, sometimes for months at a time, but I really do want to fix this issue once and for all.

I started using my dilators again last week and have to start with the smallest one now, after being able to insert the 2nd largest 2 years ago. I found this forum after doing another frantic web search for help/support. I’m looking forward to reading the forums and finding some solidarity, tips and support.

[Rachel Hercman, LCSW]

Hi Newsoul11,

Welcome to the forum!! We totally get it. You may want to check out the Vaginismus Blogcast we have going on this coming Friday. Here is the info– //mazewomenshealth.com/whats-new/blogcast/

Hang in there!!

[Rachel Hercman, LCSW]

Hi Newsoul11,

Welcome to the forum!! We totally get it. You may want to check out the Vaginismus Blogcast we have going on this coming Friday. Here is the info– //mazewomenshealth.com/whats-new/blogcast/

Hang in there!!

[Aimee Goldman, RWHNP]

Hi Newsoul-Welcome to the forum. I am happy that you found us. My advice is to continue dilation with the small dilator daily for about 10-15 minutes. Gradually work up to the larger dilators. When dilating it is important to be consistent with daily dilation.
Try your best to relax and not judge when you are dilating. Agree with Rachel-do check out our Vaginismus Blogcast this Friday for more tips on dilation.
Sending you lots of support and encouragement!

[Beccamell]

I have been struggling with vaginismus for 6 years. 3 being in sercret with me and my boyfriend. I am only 21 so we were young when we first ‘tried’ to have sex. The first couple of times were painful and short after we realised it wasnt pleasurable or entertainmg for both of us so we started to entertain ourselves differently.
I have been to see so many different doctors some so bad that is was insulting to sit through the appointments. I have been to hypnotherapy and now i am currently going to a sexual health therapy. I just dont seem to be seeing a light at the end of tunnel. I am using trainers and i have gone from 1 to 3 within 3 months but its just such a long process i get so upset and frustrated that i cant show the one person i love how much i love them. It seems that everyone else can have sex other than me.