Introductions (2)

[Heather34]

Hi Sofi! Congratulations on completing your treatment. It is very common to experience some post-procedure challenges with dilation. Please let us all know if we can answer any specific questions that you may have? It is wonderful that you are making progress and I also look forward to exchanging thoughts and support with you as well. Take care, H

[Sofi]

Hi everyone,
I introduced myself pre-treatment in January under the name Versha87 (in introductions 1). I’ve been having trouble logging in and posting though, so I made a new user name and just thought I’d re-introduce myself/test out my new account. I had my treatment on 3/13! The treatment itself went really well, and even though I’m still struggling with the dilators a little, I’m making progress. I am looking forward to exchanging thoughts and support with you all!

[Heather34]

Hi Sofi! Congratulations on completing your treatment. It is very common to experience some post-procedure challenges with dilation. Please let us all know if we can answer any specific questions that you may have? It is wonderful that you are making progress and I also look forward to exchanging thoughts and support with you as well. Take care, H

[Walker]

Hello everyone,

I have been reading the forum for a couple of weeks now and trying to find out everything I can about vaginismus and the Botox treatment. I am planning to schedule my appointment next week with Dr. Pacik for the procedure in May. This forum is a great opportunity to share my story and talk with others who have or are experiencing the symptoms and fear of vaginismus. I have been married for almost eight years and have suffered with vaginismus the entire time. It has a been a huge struggle and strain on my marriage, but thankfully my husband is very understanding, patient and loving. Our faith in God has brought us through the eight years and we have grown closer in other areas. I want to be able to make love with him on our eighth anniversary. I always thought something was wrong with me and no one besides my husband knows that I have vaginismus. I don’t even know how to begin to describe the shame I have dealt with and how I have put up a front like my sex life is the best (when intercourse has never happened). My husband and I are also now feeling more pressure from our parents to have kids since we are both in our early thirties and have a “solid” marriage. Since hearing about Dr. Pacik and this procedure, we are able to start planning for the future and it is so exciting! I cant wait to book my procedure with Dr. Pacik and share with the forum my success. It has been so encouraging to see others overcome vaginismus and live a happy and fruitful life. I am ready for the new journey!

[Dr. Pacik]

I was touched by your post. The Forum has a wonderful sense of community, and through this none of us have to live in isolation. Every person who posts makes a difference to others and through their words helps give definition to what others feel.

Heather and I speak often of the Starfish Story as written by Jack Canfield and Mark Hanson in their book “Chicken Soup for the Soul”. This brief story can be read by linking to
http://www.angelfire.com/ok/bobbiesues/pg2write.html

Touching one soul makes all the difference. When we touch many souls it is monumental.

[Heather34]

@ Walker – I too found your post so touching and heartfelt. My hubby and I also prayed so much during our struggles with vaginismus and our prayers were truly answered after receiving this treatment. I entirely get and understand the shame you described and putting up the front about the best sex life ever. I did this for years with all of my closest friends while my hubby and I were the only ones who knew the truth about my vaginismus. I promise you that this procedure will work and will be life-changing. I would love to answer any questions that you have about the procedure or anything at all and look forward to reading more of your posts. All my best, H

@ Dr. P – I love the Starfish story and you are so, so true in writing “touching one soul makes all the difference … when we touch many souls it is monumental.”

[jlawl]

Hello! 🙂 I’m Julie and I’m 21 years old. I’ve had vaginismus for about a year and a half. I had waited for the right guy to have sex with. I found him, and of December of last year after dating for about 6 months, we attempted intercourse. It was unbelievably painful, but I thought that was just a first time thing. We continued trying, but the pain wasn’t getting any better. After seeing a gynecologist, she told me I have very little tissue (or less than normal) between my pubic bone and vaginal opening. She said that caused the pain, but once I “stretched out” it would be fine. Unfortunately, at that point my body associated sex with pain and I always clench up. This allows no stretching to take place and it became so frustrating! Luckily I have a very sweet, understanding and patient boyfriend who has stayed with me through all of this. I have been seeing a physical therapist for a few months now and trying my best to use dilators regularly. I’m happy to have found this website and find it very helpful to read the stories of other women – especially the success stories! I have become so much more optimistic even though I am still having a very hard time with intercourse.

[Heather34]

Hi jlawl and welcome to the forum. Thank you so much for sharing your story and we are all here to support you!!!

[Catherine]

Hello all….

Where to begin? I do not generally introduce myself by discussing the issues with my vagina, or even my sexuality. So…………. I have included quite a bit of my background/upbringing below, as I cannot help but speculate what internal circumstances and/or social-familial influences might have impacted my sexuality (if any). Skim (or skip altogether!), if you wish. My more recent diagnosis (Vaginismus) and the interactions with Dr. Pacik and his office follow.

Childhood Background
If we were to meet face-to-face apart from this Forum, I might begin by sharing with you that I am a 39-year-old woman from Suburbia, USA. I grew up in a tight-knit, Catholic family – the oldest of seven children, with four younger sisters, two brothers. While our faith played a significant role in our upbringing, never did I feel stifled or in any way repressed. Instead, laughter, music, and traditions filled our home.

However, as I reflect back – both on my upbringing (nurture) and my own personality (nature), certain trends do emerge. And I cannot help but wonder if / how some of these trends MAY have impacted how I handle stress and how prepared I was / have been to have sex. Since I was the oldest child in my family, my parents depended on their classic Type A daughter (eg: babysitting, cleaning, setting a good example, etc.). In my heart, I wanted to be the very best daughter possible. Many times that came easily; other times I could sense that I was clenching inside. In school, while I was a high performing student, I was always the kid who worried about bad grades, etc. (Again, my parents were not overly punitive or threatening. I just think that I was probably just an anxious young person?) Often, I would develop stomach aches or other minor ailments.

Waiting for Marriage
Meanwhile, life continued. While I was successful in other areas of my life (earned multiple degrees, bought a home, ran a marathon, etc.), I did not date much. Just like I worried about grades and appearances, I worried that I would not know what to say to a boy or, later, how to act around a man. Because of my Christian faith, I believed in waiting to have sex until after marriage. Given today’s culture, I assumed that it would be difficult to find a man who would share this conviction / worldview. Ultimately, I watched my three younger sisters and one of my brothers marry and bring children into this world. I was very happy for them, but – by my mid-30s – I wondered if it would ever be “my turn”? Thankfully, as I grew a bit older, I became both more confident in myself and more comfortable with who I was/am. I think it was that sense of maturity/development that aided me in dating Michael.

After years of waiting (in every way), it felt like a true miracle when married this “man of my dreams” in July 2010. Michael was (and is!) warm, funny, successful, supportive, and gentle in every way. (I could go on and on …… ) At 41, he had never been married, but did have some sexual experiences with previous girlfriends. This actually gave me some sense of relief; he would know how to guide us during our most intimate moments to come. I was 37, a virgin,… and cautiously optimistic that my husband would be able to lead us through sex over our honeymoon nights.

Honeymoon Surprise
Like many of the stories of women suffering with Vaginismus, it came as a surprise to both Michael and myself when our wedding nights came to such a quick end. Inserting his penis seemed absolutely impossible…… like hitting a brick wall! Poor Michael — one morning after a night of great efforts (honeymoon night three?), he awoke very sore and -both – physically and emotionally frustrated.

Where did we go from here? Not very far…. and we told practically no one. While I have this seemingly close family and a network of friends, no one dared to ask specific questions about our honeymoon. In a way, it was kind for everyone to respect our marital privacy. But how touched I was (and remain) – to this day — that my dear sweet hairdresser (of all people!) wanted DETAILS : ) She knew that I had been (& am!) a virgin, and I think she wanted to re-live some magical honeymoon moments. While I hated to disappoint her, I found myself confessing this crazy impasse to her. She has been a wonderful, trusted confidante over the past two years. Still, her best advice has been: just drink. You’ll relax, and then this will all work itself out. Believe me, I am not opposed to red wine or whiskey. If only it were that easy!

So, for the most part, Michael and I have been very isolated in this dilemma. With no knowledge of our real condition, one of my sisters called me with names of adoption lawyers. My mother – out of the blue – suggested sexual positions to try— in an effort (not to consummate, of course) to become pregnant. Michael’s brothers keep asking about his “swimmers,” etc., etc.

Doctor & Dilators
During my annual gyn exam last spring (I have been able to have exams over the years – awkward, painful, but manageable), I talked with my doctor about this issue. He relayed to me – in hushed tones – about dilators. He told me that if I used these for two weeks —- we would be “all set”! Wow. Really?, I remember thinking. We ordered a set, and I received them – only days before our first anniversary. (As it happened, this recommendation coincided with one thing Michael and I had happened to catch on the cable program Strange Sex earlier that year. There was a young woman there who shared a story similar to ours. She and her partner used dilators and therapists to solve their problems.) With all of this in mind, the doctor’s prescription seemed to make good sense.

(Looking back, though, I have seen this same gyn for over ten years +/-. He has known that I had (have) been a virgin, and that I have been very sensitive to his exam and pap smear. Why didn’t he suggest something – even these dilators? – prior to our wedding? Did he assume that sex would just come naturally? I purposely scheduled a visit just prior to our wedding — to make sure that I was in “good working order”! At that time, he gave me pre-natal vitamins and wished me every happiness.)

To be perfectly honest, just looking at the four dilators made me a little nervous. How would I EVER insert one of these devices in me when I could not make sense of a tampon? Still — I knew that I somehow had to”conquer” this — for my husband, for our marriage, for our future. I took a sip (or two or three!) of wine, located a mirror — just to study myself. Taking a deep breath and a lot of lubricant, I managed to ease this first dilator inside of me.

Over time (approx. 10 months, to date), I have worked to insert the first two of the four dilators. But, many times I have grown frustrated. I have hit a certain point on the third dilator — and just have felt unable to make any progress…. This has gone on for months…. and months. One of the last times, I just broke down in tears: what is wrong with me? This has become insanity!

Achieving Intimacy
As this Vaginismus condition has continued, our level of sexual desire – both Michael’s and my own – has declined. After a few months, Michael began having a hard time becoming erect and/or maintaining an erection. We really only have tried to have sex – or even sexual moments – two or three times each month. He spoke with his doctor, and received a prescription for Viagra. He/we have used the pills a few times, sometimes with the hope that they might provide the extra “charge” we seem to need. To no avail, of course.
Lately, I have felt guilty about all re the Vaginismus, as if I was somehow willing this in some way. Again, I cannot say enough how blessed I am have a patient, caring husband who does not blame me for this. We are intimate in so many ways — both in the bedroom and beyond. I am certain that it is our deep love for each other — as well as a sense of humor & perspective — that has helped us deal with this blockage.

Moving Forward
Most recently, I could not help but think that perhaps we should start exploring adoption – (maybe my sister was right after all?) – in addition to the dilation work. On Good Friday, I sat on our couch and earnestly prayed. Lord, please show us what to do. I started reading various adoption websites, but – even then – something did not feel right about this move. Infertility was not our concern; consummation was. I did one more random online search for forms of sexual dysfunction. And, for the first time, I came across the work of Dr. Pacik.

As I read his website (consumed it, practically!), the stories of his patients sounded so much like my /our story. Even more unbelievably, Dr. Pacik’s Botox appears to work — and the dilation under anesthetic — AND the success rates of his patients —- left me awestruck. Was this (is this?) too good to be true? I shared all of this with my husband, and – by Easter night – we had ordered Dr. Pacik’s book on Amazon. Even the title rang completely true: When Sex Seems Impossible. Yep, that’s us. Forget pain. I don’t even know what’s possible for us!

Thus far this week, we have reached out Dr. Pacik and his team. After completing the paperwork, Dr. Pacik agreed that I would be a suitable candidate for the Botox / Vaginismus procedure. By this past Thursday, we made arrangements for a June 12th procedure date. To be completely candid, if it were possible, I would have the treatment done today. Based on all we have read, this is our best chance to have a normal healthy sexual life — and our best shot at conceiving a child.

I am very happy to be part of this forum, and would be open to comments, questions, ideas from other members moving forward.

[Walker]

Hi Catherine,

It was great to read your post especially because I too am scheduled for June 12th procedure date! I cant wait to have the procedure done and I too would have had it done yesterday if at all possible. It took a long time for me to understand what was going on with my body and that there was assistance out there for me with Dr. Pacik. For years I thought I was alone but by the grace of God I found Dr. Pacik and his wonderful team. I also read everything on this website and filled out my papers for Dr. Pacik in one day! I needed to get my story out and it was comforting to know that other women are or have suffered from this condition. Just know that you are not alone and I would love it if we corresponded back and forth since we will definitely be meeting on the same day for our procedure. I will definitely need a buddy during this process since I have been silent for so many years because of embarrassment and shame. Great knowing that I have a roommate. Hope to talk with you soon. And I will definitely see you on June 12th. Take care and be encouraged that this will be over soon!

[Catherine]

April —

Thank you for reaching out to me. Yes, this whole turn of events (Dr. Pacik and his work) still seems too good to be true!

I would love to read your “story.” Have you posted it on this Forum? I will do a search for it now, and will try to reply from there.

More soon…

[Heather34]

Hi Catherine. I truly loved reading your story and found it so, so touching. It brought tears to my eyes. I just keep reading over the part “On Good Friday, I sat on our couch and earnestly prayed … Lord, please show us what to do” and then you came across the work of Dr. Pacik. This is so, so truly wonderful. My husband and I, too, prayed for so many years of our marriage for a cure for this condition and finally found it in Dr. Pacik. Within 1 week of the procedure, we were able to have intercourse for the first time in our 11 year relationship / 5 year marriage. I’m so excited that you are booked for the procedure on June 12th and KNOW it is going to go so, so good for you. I also think that it so wonderful for you and Walker to connect prior to the procedure. It is going to go so GREAT for the both of you and is just life-changing in so many ways. Ladies, please, please use this forum to ask any and all questions that you may have prior to the procedure and we are all here to support you!!!

[Catherine]

Heather —

Thanks so much for this very kind note and for previous e-mail (off-site). It means a great deal to have this support. — C. : )

[Reginia]

Hello everyone I just found this site last week and as soon as I read the first 3 post I just knew I had to join. Since I joined I have been a lurker, just trying to get up the courage to introduce myself. I found this site after viewing a video on youtube. I had so many mixed emotions because I thought that I was the only one that had these symptoms. I had no idea that there were so many women that suffered from this condition. I have contacted Dr. Pacik’s office so that I can see if he can help me. I look forward to interacting with you ladies as I start my journey to be cured.

[jlawl]

I had the same feelings as you Reginia, but even when lurking I saw myself in all of these stories! Being a part of this community has helped me a lot and has kept me more optimistic that this can be overcome 🙂