New Here… Feeling Disgust in Myself

[anonymous123]

Hello. I do not know the age range of people on this page, nor do I know if this is still active. However, I am 19 and feel so alone and this is the closest thing I feel comfortable to in terms of talking about my issues.

I have had a boyfriend for over two years now and have tried to have sex probably 100 times. I have tried everything… nothing has worked. I am literally a brick wall. I know this is supposed to be a positive forum and I hate to sound so negative but I am so ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted, and upset with myself. I do not know what is wrong with me nor why I am not normal! My self esteem cannot help but fall despite what my boyfriend says.

My friends have active sex lives and I hate to say it but I am jealous. I want to be able to do what I feel like every other person in the world is able to do. I feel so hopeless and so sexually frustrated I am at a loss for words. I am seeking recommendations for treatment because I do not even know where to start. Thank you and my apologies for being so negative. Hopefully I get some responses, much appreciated!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Anonymous123 – I’m so sorry with what you’ve been through. So many of us here are familiar with the feelings of shame and embarrassment you describe (which, by the way, it’s totally okay – and healthy! – to talk about). I’m 27 and I suffered from vaginismus for nearly 10 years before seeking treatment two years ago. My treatment totally changed my life, but it was hard and slow work to finally do it because vaginismus is something that keeps you trapped longer because of the negative emotions it provokes (and the way it makes you feel isolated and alone).

The good news is that vaginismus is fully curable – once I did the botox procedure at Maze and dilated consistently, I was able to have sex, and then shortly after, GOOD sex. Now, 2 years out from that procedure, no one would ever know there had ever been anything strange about my sex life unless I told them because it’s impossible to detect.

The first things I would suggest you do are to order a set of dilators online (Pure Romance is the brand I used, but there are others) and try working with them. It’ll help to give you a sense of how severe your vaginismus is and whether you can tolerate any penetration at all. You might also look into seeing a therapist for the emotional component of vaginismus – a big part of treatment is unlearning the negative relationship you’ve built to sex, and that starts in your head.

If you try dilators and find that you can’t even begin to dilate at all, don’t panic because there are other options. This was what happened with me and I ended up going the botox route (Which you can read about on this website under “Vaginismus Treatment Under Anesthesia”) and was able to have sex 20 days later. There are options, and you don’t have to feel this way forever. Please know that we’re pulling for you, and let us know how it all goes!

[anonymous123]

Hello recessivegenequeen, your words and story gave me hope, which is the first time I can honestly say that. I have bought dilators and attempted to get even the smallest size in and failed miserably. Therefore, I think the botox you described may be the route for me. Who do I talk to if I want to be looked at to see if I qualify for this- who did you see? I appreciate everything you have said and the light you put at the end of the tunnel for me!

[recessivegenequeen]

Anonymous123, that’s how it was with me – dilation was totally impossible. I was helped at the Maze clinic (who runs this forum!) For a free consultation by phone you can call them at 914-328-3700 or fill out the form at the bottom of this page if you scroll down. They’ll be able to talk to you about your situation and your options. I’m glad it gives you hope because that’s what they did for me. I never thought I’d get to be this normal and yet, here I am.

[Helen Leff, LCSW]

Welcome to the forum anonymous123 and thanks recessivegenequeen for all your words of support and encouragement on the forum. I have to echo your suggestion to contact us at Maze at #914-328-3700 for a free 10 minute consultation. We can help!

[Sks823]

anonymous123,

It’s great that you found this forum and know that you have vaginismus. I am alllll too familiar with the feelings of disgust, despair, and jealousy that you feel! recessivegenequeen’s amazing response touches on all the points I would, but I wanted to give you even more hope too! I also bought dilators for myself and could NOT use them on my own. AT ALL. Like you said, I “failed miserably” with them and put them away for several months. I eventually did some more google searches after moving to NYC and came across Maze Women’s Health Center and decided to do a phone consultation with them, then I made an appointment.

I think I was a difficult case seeing as I couldn’t wear tampons, hadn’t had a pap smear, and had EXTREME anxiety my first few appointments. The thought of dilating with even the smallest dilator gave me immense fear. The physical portion of the first couple appointments were incredibly nerve-wracking; I was prescribed Xanax to take before each following appointment.

BUT… I persisted. With the help of Maze, after my first couple appointments (and failed attempts at home and WANTING to give up, and thinking I might be that one incurable case), I was able to insert the smallest dilator by myself. After I knew I could do that, I had much more confidence and was SLOWLY but surely able to move up in dilator sizes every appointment (I had appointments every 2-3 weeks), dilating mostly daily between appointments. Each time I moved up in dilator size, I felt accomplished and motivated. Also, after being comfortable with the first couple dilators, tampons went in easily!

Just wanted to reach out and share a bit of my story. While there were times of frustration and times I wanted to give up, I’m so glad I went out of my comfort zone to make the first appointment and perservere.

I think calling Maze for their free consultation is a good idea. Another early step would be (like I said earlier) to look up other women’s health centers & make one appointment with one that has experience with vaginismus so they can show you how to use dilators. I realize that you’re 19 and maybe some of these things you will have to speak with your family about (if you’re on someone else’s health insurance). If you have health insurance, you can maybe call them or look up online – ask if they cover a pelvic floor therapist or what the copay will be. A quick google search shows a bunch of pelvic floor therapists that take a number of insurances.

Maybe this link will help: Finding a Pelvic Physical Therapist: Where Do I Even Start?
https://www.mamaonthemend.com/blog/2016/4/26/how-to-find-a-pelvic-physical-therapist

and then the next important step is NOT GIVING UP. It might not be easy but with time and determination you can do it! Vaginismus is SO TREATABLE, it CAN BE FIXED!

In my opinion the biggest challenge was when I didn’t exactly know how to use the dilators on my own, but once I was able to put in the smallest one by myself, the rest of my vaginismus “journey” went much smoother (with lots of small successes, like being able to use tampons!)

I hope this helps a bit, I know firsthand that vaginismus is a lonely lonely thing to go through – but YOU CAN DO THIS! Definitely look through some success stories on this forum to show you that there were so many of us in your shoes that were able to overcome this.

Good luck & keep us updated.

[anonymous123]

thank you again recessivegenequeen for talking to me about your story and recommendation. I appreciate it more than I can express. Also thank you Helen F for the recommendation! I will be calling this week and will get over my fear of taking the first step! I will keep you guys updated since you have positively influenced me to not be scared or ashamed to take the first step.

[anonymous123]

Sks823,

Your words and motivation have made me feel so much better about myself. Your similar story and significant progress also gives me hope. It sounds so ridiculous, but I thought that treatments were not completely full proof and not curable for all cases. Because of my severity of not even being able to use a tampon, I thought I was incurable. I am scared and anxious, just as you were, to call and make appointments because I am so uncomfortable. However, you are right, I will be making an appointment because I CAN and WILL do this. Thanks again for the advice and empowerment, I really needed it. I will keep you updated!

[anonymous123]

*uncurable –> not curable.

[recessivegenequeen]

Anonymous123, I’m so glad to hear your confidence and that you’re taking the first steps toward treatment! It really is true that the first step is pretty much the hardest – something about that decision to tackle the issue head-on requires a lot of a person’s inner resources. Once you start your journey, I am confident you’ll find the path to make this work for yourself.

Please keep us updated! It makes us so happy to know that there are women out there conquering this – nobody deserves to suffer vaginismus and we know this journey so well. You can do this!

[anonymous123]

Hi guys, I haven’t said anything in a few months but I figured I would update everybody on my progress. I went to a physical therapist who specializes in vaginal muscle tightness and pelvic floors about a month ago. She gave me a list of exercises which seemed pointless considering that I am “an extreme case.” However I tried to be optimistic and strictly stuck to the stretches and exercises.

Amazingly enough I found a lot of success through them- particularly the breathing exercises. I moved onto dilators because I was feeling very confident. Although the first few tries were similar to my past experiences, the third or fourth try I was able to get half of the smallest dilator in! What may seem simply pathetic to get excited over considering it is probably the width of a tampon, it was simply progress! Something finally began to move forward and it was a huge and emotional milestone for me.

Now, a month later, I am on the third size dilator out of the four in my set of dilators. I went from making huge jumps in my progress to slowing down a bit but I continue to use them everyday.

Here is my question for those out there that have a similar experience and/or have been through the dilator therapy/exercises. When my boyfriend attempts to penetrate me, with a few fingers or with his penis, it is like I am back to square one. I am still so tight when he tries… is this normal? I thought that I made such great progress in getting entire dilators in me only to be in the same situation with him that I was in months ago. Any and all feedback, suggestions, and stories will be greatly appreciated!

Thank you all for reading and responding. I know it sounds silly but this forum makes me feel so comfortable and normal 🙂

[Sks823]

AHHHHHH I super super relate and I’m so excited for you and your progress! I’m glad you had that “I CAN do this” turning point.

It’s normal that you’re still having issues when your boyfriend attempts to penetrate you. It takes a lot of people on here several attempts. Since you’re not the one doing the inserting, you are no longer in control of the speed, direction, etc.. Definitely takes some getting used to! Some advice from Maze when I went there:

(1) have him insert (even the smallest) dilator into you, so you can get used to someone else being more “in control” of the penetration. I know it’s not a super sexy suggestion, but worth a try if you both are willing. You know the smallest dilator fits, because you can fit it on your own easily – so maybe that will help assure you that this IS possible.

(2) keep dilating until you get to a dilator size that’s larger than your boyfriend’s penis! That will definitely help you

Good luck and I’m so so proud of your progress 🙂

[anonymous123]

Sks823,

Thank you so much for your constant support and excitement in my breakthroughs! I am not going to lie, the penetration “fail” was a bit of a setback in terms of my confidence. However, I am relieved to hear that multiple people experienced the same thing when it came to switching from dilators to penetration.

Your tips are super helpful and I will definitely try both! Obviously it is not the most comfortable situation to ask my boyfriend to dilate me, yet I am so lucky that he is so supportive and tries his best to make me feel normal about the situation.

One last follow up question, I have a dilator set of 4… do you think it is worth buying more sizes that move up in intervals a little slower and worth having more dilators/ sizes like an 8 pack? Let me know your thoughts!

Thank you all- wonderful people apart of this forum. Again, so thankful to have found it!

[recessivegenequeen]

Anonymous123, congrats on your progress! This is HUGE – being able to use dilators at all probably felt impossible not so long ago. Sks823 gave the exact same advice I would – becoming a total expert in dilating is the key to a successful segue to a partner. Being able to insert a huge dilator gave me a lot of confidence and made my partner’s penis feel like a cakewalk by comparison (which they already will because penises are softer and more pliable than rigid silicone or glass). As for the sizing, it depends on how big the biggest one is, I’d say. You want to be able to get one in that’s bigger than your partner, so if you don’t already have one of those, I’d consider getting some more. Keep up the great work and let us know how it goes!

[anonymous123]

recessivegenequeen,
You are so right! A month and a half ago I could not even imagine getting a pinky finger in and now I feel empowered and accomplished by being able to use dilators! Definitely felt impossible then and now I am feeling that anything is possible. I will definitely work on what you suggested. I am happy to hear that a penis will feel more comfortable than the dilators because they are softer. Thank you for your continued support and encouragement!