Pain after sex

[Seekingu]

Hi everyone, I’ve never been officially diagnosed with vaginismus…as I’m sure you all know, most doctors just say it’s in your head and you need to relax. Bit of a backstory…my first time having sex as a teenager was extremely painful. Long story short, after a year and many other tries, my OB figured out it was my BC pills drying me out too much. Went off the pill, problem solved. So not really vaginismus but sort of related. Over the next several years and several partners, I never had any trouble and enjoyed a great sex life. Then I met my now ex-husband. For the first year and a half sex was fine, no pain. Then slowly it got uncomfortable and over the course of a month or so it began to hurt when he would try to enter me. I found out shortly after he was cheating on me, and I determined that my body knew something was off before I did.

I took him back, but our relationship was not good most of the time, and awful at times. We were together for 9 more years and the pain persisted. I eventually used dilators and got to a point where it went from excruciatingly painful, to somewhat tolerable, to even mostly pain-free. But even then the sex had to be slow and I had to control all penetration. No matter what though, it always hurt very badly when I used the bathroom after sex. It’s like the minute the urine hit my sore vaginal opening it felt like I was being stabbed with a knife. The pain went away within a few minutes, and after about 24 hours it no longer hurt to pee. My ex-husband was also verbally and physically abusive which I am sure caused the pain in the first place and made it continue(sex was always consensual though, he never forced me or even attempted during fights/the abuse). When you don’t feel safe and cannot trust your partner, I am sure my body was basically rejecting him.

We’ve since divorced and I’ve had two partners since him. The first was only one time and it did hurt, but not nearly as bad. Penetration was the only part that hurt, but once he was in and throughout sex, it didn’t hurt at all and I could tell I was not tense at all like I would have been with my ex (this partner was someone I’d known years ago and had previously slept with back then so he wasn’t a complete stranger). I also attributed some of the pain to the fact that he kind of had to “poke around” a couple of times before he got the placement right to enter me. Using the bathroom afterward hurt like always.

My current boyfriend is a wonderful man. I’m very much in love with him and our sex life is great. There is no pain during sex whatsoever. I don’t have to hold back with him at all, we can switch positions easily and I have no fear of the pain…we don’t have to go super slow, etc. BUT, it still hurts to use the bathroom afterward. I haven’t told him any of this yet as it’s embarrassing, and I am not going to stop having sex with him so right now I see no point. But, since it does hurt so bad afterward when peeing, there is no way I could have sex again that same day. So once that comes up I will have to tell him because I won’t put myself through that much pain. Has anyone experienced this? I don’t understand why there is still pain when urinating if it doesn’t hurt during sex. I’m so thankful I can have pain free sex, but eventually, I won’t want to be limited to just one time in 24 hours so I really want to get this fixed once and for all. I do plan to talk to my doctor at my next appt, but I am not too hopeful as I’ve not had much success with doctors and this subject. Thanks for reading!

[Heather]

Hello and welcome to the forum! I think seeing a doctor is an excellent idea! It could be a number of things! Do you use a condom? I know lots of women are sensitive to semen. That could be causing the burning at the end, and when you pee. But I would definitely get checked out regardless. Best of luck! Please let us know how you make out!

[Jennifer Dembo, LMSW]

Hi @seekingu – thanks so much for posting and welcome!

I think Heather’s suggestion is an excellent one. There could be several reasons you are experiencing the discomfort, and care from a knowledgeable and respectful provider can lead to solid diagnosis and treatment options.

Best of luck to you!

[Seekingu]

Thank you Heather and Jennifer! I’m hoping my doctor has some ideas! Also just to throw it out there, I did just have an STI panel done and all came back negative, so we can at least rule that out.

[Jennifer Dembo, LMSW]

That is very good to know. With every bit of information you collect as you go forward, you’ll be that much closer to healing.

[recessivegenequeen]

Seekingu, just wanted to say how impressed I am with all you’ve overcome and that I’m glad that you’re able to have pain-free intercourse! That’s a big milestone that you worked hard to get to. I hope your doctor can figure out what the issue is, but also, I think when you’re ready you should tell your partner about the pain you have so he can support you through it. Gynecological issues unfortunately often get treated as taboo and thus we have embarrassment about discussing them, but it’s not like it’s something that’s your fault. I hope you find relief soon and good luck in your relationship! Let us know what you learn!

[Seekingu]

Thank you so much recessivegenequeen! It’s been a difficult journey but I am very thankful things have improved over time. My doctor appt got reschedule, so hopefully I will have some sort of answer soon. I do plan to talk to my boyfriend about it, just last night I told him about the pain with my ex, but I didn’t bring up the fact that it still hurts afterward. I just haven’t found the right time yet. But you’re right, it’s important that we talk about it, and I know he will be supportive. After all, my body has basically told me he is a good choice, lol.

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Seekingu! It sounds like you’re already making good emotional progress – it’s okay for you to not tell your current partner everything at once, you are starting to open up and that counts for a lot.

Also, in a funny coincidence, since I last responded to your post I have started having the same issue as you. I know it’s because I went on the pill and have started letting my partner ejaculate inside me, and something about his sperm causes me pain after the fact that didn’t happen when we were having sex with condoms. If you’re having sex without a barrier like condoms, that could be the source of the pain – which presents you with a few different options and strategies if it’s the same case. If you want to have sex more than once a day (say it’s your anniversary or you’re on vacation or whatever) you can try using condoms and see if that helps, or you can also ask your partner not to ejaculate inside you. I’ve found that putting coconut oil on my vagina after sex when there’s pain is soothing somewhat. I want to try using coconut oil itself as lube but haven’t done it yet. This might not be your issue but is probably worth investigating if it can help your pain! Also, I recommend telling your partner even if you do want to keep having the kind of sex with your partner that you’re currently having. It causes me pain when my partner ejaculates inside me, but it also feels emotionally close so I don’t want to cut it out of our routine entirely, but it’s helped to have him know that I’m in pain and just be present for me in that. I think no matter what you decide to do you’ll feel better if you don’t feel like you have to hide that.

[Sks823]

Hi seekingu,

I don’t have much more advice than the advice given before me, but wanted to give my support and say I am very glad that and you are able to have pain-free intercourse with a loving partner now.

I hope you’ve been able to seek advice from a doctor and are doing well :)!