My boyfriend cheated
October 13, 2018 at 12:02 pm #23793cat123Participant
I found out a few days ago my boyfriend has cheated on me. We’ve only been together 4 months but I’d been happily single for many years before meeting him. I only really discovered my Vaginismus since being with him. I’ve suspected something was wrong with me for years as I’ve never been able to use tampons and have found previous attempts at sex too painful. I’d always just ignored it thinking it would all work itself out. Since being with him I decided to do some online research and I’m now fairly certain I have Vaginismus. It’s something I’m extremely sensitive about, I’ve managed to confide in my sister about and spoken to my boyfriend a little about. We decided it was something we’d face together but to be honest since then I’ve taken the easy option of ignoring it. We have a sex life of sorts, but not conventional sex. But a few days ago I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me with an ex and not only has he physically betrayed me but he told her about my “problem” as she so kindly put it in the message she sent me. I was wondering if anyone else had had any similar experiences and could offer any support?October 14, 2018 at 11:58 am #23794HeliopsisParticipant
I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend! That’s an absolute awful thing to do!!! I find his ex sound super horrible on top of it. Thats really not the kind of support you need! Its not her business to ask you about how you are and about your “problem” – she could have kept away from your relationship that would have been a good thing… How human beings can be so insensitive…
But maybe you could use your anger about all this, to find some treatment and support for yourself trying to channelize all this pain into something, which will eventually make you feel better. From my own experience – ignoring vaginismus and not talking much to the partner does not help, it was often causing distress to my past relationships. But I agree I find it horrible to talk about, it makes me feel not as a whole person, if I tell people. And actually I don’t want them to ask me about it or how I progress or anything really. Don’t know if anyone’s experiences it this way.
One truth might be as well, it help having a partner supporting you, but initially the steps for treatment you have to go by yourself. It might could help you asking your sister to come with you to appointments talking to someone medical who can help you. Or ordering some dilators trying yourself to start off with it. But it might help you seeing your doctor talking it through and mentioning your suspicion about vaginismus – I hope they know what it is. I had various experience about people not knowing about the condition. I send you lots of strength go and get it sorted and forget about this guy – there are so many nicer guys out there who would never do that to you. And don’t blame your vaginismus for it or yourself!!!October 14, 2018 at 4:15 pm #23799recessivegenequeenParticipant
Oh cat123, I’m SO sorry to hear your story – what a crushing experience. I haven’t had your exact experienced, but I’ve faced a number of rejections because of my vaginismus and I understand how horrible it feels. Vaginismus is a physical problem, but it’s also an emotional one, and feeling rejected because of your problem often makes you more insecure, which can make the problem worse. All of that’s to say that I hope you give yourself some space to grieve, because it’s a super painful thing to go through.
I want to second what Heliopsis said about using your anger to fuel your growth, because the best way to break out of the bad-feelings loop is to break the vaginismus cycle itself by seeking treatment. I was about 21 when I figured out I had vaginismus, but I didn’t end up actively looking for treatment until I was 24 (and finally getting through it at 25). I’m at peace with how things happened, but in a way I also regret the years I had some idea of what I could do but was too scared to seek that treatment because those were years I could have spent feeling less helpless and ashamed. A good place to start would be to speak with a gynecologist or to get a set of dilators and see if you can make any progress with them. It puts the power back into your hands.
If you decide you’re not ready to seek treatment yet (and everyone has to take the time they need to be ready), I also just want to add that it sounds like you’re better off without this guy. As much as it surprises me even now to say it, I think that my vaginismus in a way protected me from having relationships with a bunch of crappy guys. Anyone who learns about your vaginismus and responds with judgment, impatience, or lack of sympathy is showing themselves to you as a person who isn’t worth your time. This guy treated you terribly, and it’s painful, but you’ll meet better ones who will love you for who you are and respect you EVEN MORE for what you’ve had to go through. There are greener pastures ahead.December 10, 2018 at 2:12 am #24033Sks823Participant
Wow. He and his ex are horrible! I agree with the others: channel this anger and hurt and seek treatment (or try treatment on your own with dilators)!
I overcame vaginismus using dilators of increasing size, but I initially tried dilators on my own and couldn’t do it – so I ended up going to Maze Women’s Health center every couple/few weeks to help me with the dilators (so physical therapy… for those muscles down there).
Have you looked through this forum a lot? Many people who couldn’t get a tampon in (me) were able to overcome vaginismus with the use of dilators. Having vaginismus is *not* a bad thing (at first I thought it meant something was super wrong with me and I wasn’t ever going to be normal)! Vaginismus is completely treatable! It’s great that you realized that you have it and you had someone you thought was supportive – I am sure you can find someone else – whether it be a friend, therapist, family member, or new boyfriend who isn’t a JERK – to support you through your journey to overcome vaginismus. There is a section on this forum for people going through vaginismus treatment who are single – personally I think it’s good because it means you can go at a slow and steady pace, with no one there to rush you into trying sex when you’re not quite ready!
Good luck and keep us updated. Don’t let this knock you down, he definitely wasn’t worth it and his ex seems absolutely crazy – they deserve each other! >:(December 11, 2018 at 4:31 pm #24054anonymous123Participant
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have recently broken up with my boyfriend, after a two year relationship, because of my discovery that I have vaginismus. I completely relate to the decision of “dealing with the issue separately” because we too thought this and that it was the way to go.
The fact that he cheated on you is terrible and I am so so sorry. As people with vaginismus, I feel like everybody could relate to the guilt of not being able to have sex. The fact that he cheated on you does not help at all with the problems you are going through and I am so sorry. I also cannot believe that another girl would have the audacity to text someone that… it is beyond me and I am so sorry.
Hang in there. I know that you have probably heard this a lot since this happened and it does not seem like it now, but you deserve so much better. The fact that he did not support you and cheated clearly shows the type of person he is. I am so sorry and hope you are doing okay. Please keep us updated because we are here for you!December 11, 2018 at 4:55 pm #24056Jennifer Dembo, LMSWParticipant
cat123 – I would like to offer my support here as well. You are not broken, and you did nothing to deserve the treatment you received. You have been through a devastating experience, but please know that there is help, both medically and emotionally, and better times ahead. You are worth a million times more than this person has made you feel.
If you live in NY, Maze has 3 offices in the metro-NYC area. If not, feel free to give us a call for a free 10-minute consult. We’ll do our best to offer referrals and resources near you so that you get the support and encouragement you need.
All my best to you.
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