Young, confused, and terrified.
June 17, 2020 at 1:13 am #30707CcroppiParticipant
Hi! I got diagnosed in February right before this all happened. I am currently 17 which makes this diagnosis all the worse to deal with. I am going to college in September and am really excited about the freedom but I feel like I’m drowning whenever I think about the state of my reproductive health. I always knew something was wrong when putting in a tampon was impossible. I thought that when I got older it would get better and it never did. So then I thought when I got my first real boyfriend and we started to get sexually active things would work out because maybe I just needed to be more excited. Newsflash. That didn’t work. I remember when he first tried to finger me. It felt like I was being torn apart with barb wire. I tried not to scream in pain because maybe it was normal. I mean all my friends are doing this so it’s fine. It was a lot of denial. I just didn’t want to admit there was something wrong with me. I even tried to have sex! That was stupid. I just needed to be normal and I wanted to have sex so badly. Finally in desperation I went to my doctor. I went alone without my parents which was terrifying by itself and then on top of that she was the first person I told about the struggles I’ve been having. So there was a lot of crying. During the initial exam she couldn’t even use her finger to get in, just feel around the opening, even that hurt. Then I had the scan to certify that it was vaginismus. To be completely honest. I really hoped and prayed that there was a physical abnormality. I thought that it would be easier. More understandable than from the little I knew about vaginismus. My doctor gave me numbing gel and instructions just wanting me to get used to pressure around the opening. But I haven’t even touched the packaging. Just the thought of it all makes me cry. A lot of it is confusion. I never had any fear or negative connotations about sex. No sexual abuse. Nothing. So why am I like this? Just a muscle fluke? It’s so frustrating and confusing. Another part of it is just feeling so alone and being broken. Being so young and in such a sex positive world. All I see around me is sex. All my friends are doing it. It’s all over social media. And hello. I’m a teenager with crazy hormones! So it feels—-
as dramatic as this is—- world ending. It feels like all possibilities of love is just out of the window. And not even love. Just to have a fun and normal young adult experience is out of the window. It also makes me feel just dysfunctional and broken. I feel betrayed my body and unwantable, almost like guys could sense it. I feel like I have no one to talk about it either. I felt so much pressure in my relationship that I ended it and he even sent me a text thanking me for doing so. That was rough. And I’ve told my closest best friend and she’s supportive but has a hard time really understanding. There’s so misinformation out there that I don’t know where or how to start. I just feel so defeated by it. I just wish I had some who knows what it is like and could tell me it’ll all be okay. Which I guess is why I’m writing this.
-Where do I start this journey?
-How do I not feel defeated by it?
-What are good resources?
Thank you so much. I just can’t do this alone anymore. It’s suffocating.June 19, 2020 at 8:08 pm #30844HeatherParticipant
Ccroppi, girl you just broke my heart. Everything you said, was exaclty what I went through and how I felt and I just felt it all again reading this. I relate 100%.
So for me, I tried EVERYTHING. I tried getting super drunk, I tried getting super high. I tried muscle relaxers and ecstasy. I do NOT recommend any of this. I tried dilation, but couldn’t get over the extreme pain and I felt like my back was against the wall. I tried just barring with the pain. It was haunting. I’d cry about it all the time. To this day I’m still surprised my husband put up with it for 7 years. I’m currently 24 and I’ve only been having sex for a year and a half now.
Some of us victims of vaginismus need extra extra help. That was my case. I’d first suggest a dilator kit. Just to give it a shot and see how far you can get, it may be all you need!! But some of us ladies needed an extra helping hand and that was the BOTOX procedure. That was key for me and I promise it’s worth every penny! My sex life is amazing now and it’s a huge relief off your shoulders! I had my procedure done, and 38 days later I was having sex! I’ve read success stories where it only took a few weeks for some ladies but everyone is different! It also took me over a year for sex to become 100% pleasurable. It is a process, but you CAN win this battle! And you’re so young right now, this is the perfect time to get on top of it!
I wish you the best of luck! Don’t give up, don’t ever be hard on yourself, don’t get discouraged. One day at a time, one step at a time, you will be freed!June 20, 2020 at 6:09 am #30884grlpwrParticipant
I completely relate to your post Ccroppi. I think its so great that you are aware of your issue with vaginismus early on, for me I was in my late twenties before I knew what it was, I was also in huge denial. It then took me a while before I researched it and looked into options for resolving it. I agree with Heather, regarding the use of dilators initially. For me, I’ve opted for the botox procedure since there is too much anxiety around the issue and I feel its best for my particular case.The first step is awareness and its great that you are seeking out help, so once you decide what route works best for you, have patience and know that you will get through it. best wishes 🙂July 3, 2020 at 11:43 am #31494recessivegenequeenParticipant
Ccropi, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this pain and all the feelings of guilt and shame that come with it. I had vaginismus for almost 10 years and can strongly relate to everything you described, especially how it felt to deal with in my teen years. It’s a time where the people around you know very little about sex but there is still so much pressure to be participating and to feel knowledgeable about it.
It’s great that you realized so young what is happening to you and found this forum – I was 21 when I first learned of vaginismus and I didn’t seek treatment until I was 25. I wish I had done it years sooner because it was stunning how totally normal I was able to have my sex life be once I actually sought the help I needed from the Maze clinic by way of their botox treatment. I hope you’ll look into some options too because this doesn’t have to rule your life! By posting here you have already taken the first step and discovered what is possible.
I think the best way to not feel defeated is to recognize that so many other women have felt exactly the way you’ve felt and have found their way to the other side, where they can have the sex life they want. It is possible, and knowing you’re not alone in this experience can help you to recognize that this pain is temporary.
This forum is a great resource, but I also recommend the book When Sex Seems Impossible – it gives a lot of detail about vaginismus and other sexual pain issues and also details many kinds of treatment you can get:
You can also call the Maze Clinic at 914-328-3700 just to have a conversation and speak to someone knowledgeable – they can outline other treatment options for you.
Please let us know if you have any questions at all! You do not have to feel like this forever!July 23, 2020 at 10:36 am #32016mazemelissaModerator
Just wanted to check back in with you and see how you are doing?
Did you purchase a dilator kit? Or read Dr. Pacik’s book?
It can be really scary taking those first steps toward treating your vaginismus.
We are here for you, so give us an update.
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