Wanting to give up

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    Hi there,

    It’s been a while since I’ve been on here but I wanted to see if anyone else has gotten to this point and what to do about it.

    I was diagnosed with Vaginismus with a history of severe endometriosis after I got married. After struggling to schedule a minor procedure where my GYN shot me up with lidocaine to help me start dilating and using intravaginal diazepam, I dilated for two months. During that time I had no life because when I wasn’t at my high stress, 12 hour shifts job, I was waiting for diazepam to settle in, dilating, and then waiting for my endo pain to calm down with a heating pad a process for me that takes about 2 hours. It may not sound like much but it threw off my precious time off. Started therapy too. We were able to have intercourse. It’s scheduled, not at all spontaneous and I have to do the above ritual before. Oh and it’s not any bit enjoyable for me, plus my endo leaves me exhausted and in pain for as long as 3 days afterwards. I used to have an OK libido and was able to orgasm outside of penetration but now I struggle to have any excitement about intimacy. My job got a bit crazier and I’ve needed to spend my time off actually doing things so I’ve stopped dilating regularly, only before sex. I think I’ve regressed because of this.

    Anyone else feel like they don’t have time or mental capacity for this? All the endo flare ups I’m having due to dilating therapy makes it hard to work my long shifts, and y’all, I got bills to pay. It’s not like anyone ever died from not having sex and I want my life back.


    cmarie – I’m so sorry to hear about all this! I totally hear you on this pain – I’m lucky in that my vaginismus was isolated and not connected to another chronic pain disorder that further complicates things. It sounds like your sex is damaging your intimacy, which is the total OPPOSITE of how things should happen yet it occurs a lot, even in relationships without vaginismus at their center.

    I don’t know a lot about endometriosis, but it sounds like your problems with pain aren’t going away anytime soon and that dilation isn’t an airtight solution. My suggestion would be to take a BIG step back from sex and discuss frankly with your partner how important penetrative intercourse is to the relationship and whether there are other sexual acts you two could engage in (at least more regularly). Maybe penetration IS important to your partner, but is it more important than the intimacy of the whole relationship being under such strain? Maybe you could save it for special occasions or revisit it if your work schedule becomes less rigorous. Dialing things back to a place where you’re in less pain is important for the health of your relationship.

    I read this article a few months ago and I keep thinking about it – you may find it helpful too. The fact that women consider pain an acceptable part of sex at all is interesting and telling of the sexual culture we live in.

    Let us know if there’s any way we can help, but what you’re feeling is super understandable and you shouldn’t have to feel this way!

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