This is my story…. part 2

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  • #25069

    Tigerman
    Participant

    So now i think a year later, and still Vaginismus continues

    My wife thinks that we are in a healthy marriage, but I go along for the kids

    I can’t get divorce from my wife, because I live in a country where I am not from, and if I get a divorce, my wife and 2 kids will get deported because they are in the country because of my job…. so divorce is off thr table

    Same thing with cheating or suggesting having sex with someone else, as my wife thinks if I so much as look at another woman, its adultery and we have to stay faithful to each other

    And to top it all of, she still won’t go to the doctor to get treatment or at least a consultation…

    What can a man in my situation do? I am muslem, so before my marriage I haven’t even so much as kissed a woman, let alone having sex with her before I got married… and now I am married but with no sex? Now that’s some Cosmis Irony right there…

    This is bullshit…
    Utter bullshit…

    #25075
    recessivegenequeen
    recessivegenequeen
    Participant

    Tigerman – I’m sorry to hear about the challenges of your marriage. I know this is a difficult position to be in and you probably feel very trapped right now. However, I don’t think you should totally lose faith yet.

    To me the most urgent problem is that your wife “thinks” you are in a healthy marriage. There isn’t a solution that exists that doesn’t involve communicating more clearly with your wife that you’re unhappy. You can’t trick her into getting treatment or convince her to have sex if she doesn’t know you feel this way. It’s clear you’re suffering or at a breaking point.

    Something has to change, so your first step is to tell your wife you aren’t getting your needs met and are feeling at a point of desperation. This will be hard for her to hear but is necessary if you want to see change in your marriage. If she learns how you feel, that might be a motivating factor for her to schedule a gynecologist’s appointment, or it might be a starting point for a conversation about how to get your needs met (whether that’s by rebuilding a sexual relationship with your wife not based around intercourse or having a frank discussion about opening your relationship to other sexual partners). Your wife should be a part of the decision of how you handle this, but she needs to know the extent of the problem so she can help you build a path forward together.

    #25658
    Sks823
    Sks823
    Participant

    Tigerman,

    I agree with recessivegenequeen – your wife should know the impact this is having on you or she may not be motivated to actually overcome her vaginismus. Your story is suuuuuuper familiar and I understand your frustration.

    I think “vaginismus” sounds much scarier than it actually is, and I hope she knows that; her having vaginismus is *not* a bad thing (at first I thought it meant something was super wrong with me and I wasn’t ever going to be normal)! Vaginismus is COMPLETELY treatable! Maybe you can help her understand this so she feels less ashamed/lonely/reluctant to start treatment.

    I’m sure she’s busy but using dilators for just 10 or 15 minutes a day (or 3x/week minimum), whether by herself, with your help, or if she is able to go to her doctor or a women’s clinic that does dilation therapy, could ‘stretch’ her muscles to get them used to larger and larger dilators which could then help lessen her fear of sexual experiences with your penis. Which would then lead to a more normal sex life :). Maybe you could ask her what she thinks about dilators and see if she would be open to trying them on her own. There are also other options besides dilators that many people have had success with.

    I know you can be supportive, loving, and patient. It is also important for your wife, if she does want to eventually be able to have comfortable sex, to take steps to do so. I would tell her that you think it is important and fair for her to take some action (even if small steps at first) to overcome vaginismus and her fear of penetration that comes with it. Not for just your benefit, but for both yours and hers. Small steps to overcome vaginismus could be in the form of: buying a dilator set, making an appointment with a doctor/women’s health clinic or specialist, or even starting out by looking through this forum to read all of the success stories to give her the confidence that she *WILL* be able to overcome this.

    Vaginismus can be a lonely and shameful thing until you realize there are many others going through the same thing, and even more who have overcome it. Has she seen this forum? Many people who can’t get a tampon in (me) were able to overcome vaginismus with the use of dilators (I went to Maze women’s clinic because I couldn’t do dilators on my own at first). I think the use of dilators to get her muscles used to the feeling of something larger inside her could be incredibly beneficial.

    I hope this makes sense – definitely let me know if you have any questions or concerns good luck and we are all here for you and your wife.

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