The Closer I get,The more Terrified I become

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Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus Dilating The Closer I get,The more Terrified I become

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    Hi there, im 23 and live in South Africa, I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now, he was the one who found out about Vaginismus first and since then, he has been proactive and supportive. He was the one who even introduced me to this forum.

    When I found out I had Vaginismus, I felt like a freak of nature, I mean, most if not all my friends were already sexually active and I was struggling with something that came naturally to most. I went to GP’s who prescribed muscle relaxers and told me to even mix it with alcohol,I tried that and still, penetration was impossible. I was constantly told that its in my head, I need to relax more, or remarks were made towards my boyfriend’s manhood( this occurred when i opened up to close friends)This didn’t just affect my self esteem but my womanhood, I felt less than and sometimes thought maybe this is a sign from God.

    after several failed sexual attempts, I lost interest in sex completely which put a strain on my relationship

    Fortunately, my Boyfriend found a facility in Pretoria that deals with Vaginismus, called MySexualHealth, I started dilation, we only have 5 dilators, in which the 5th is the largest. we currently on the 4th one (took me a whole month, which is a major improvement, there is no Botox whatsoever, just a cream that I apply every morning and evening. We have been attending my physiotherapy which has helped a lot.

    Now my worry is, my boyfriend and I haven’t had a successful sexual attempt,I have never had sex in my life and after so many failed attempts,I am worried that even when I dilate, what if I dont enjoy sex? what if I fail again even after putting so much work? what if my fear overcomes me and I am unable to relax? I cant afford to fail again! This fear has made me resistant to dilating and has set me back.

    Am I alone in this?


    You’re definitely not alone in this! Fair of failure even after getting through the dilators (CONGRATULATIONS on getting through 4 of 5 by the way) is probably part of every single vaginismus patient’s journey.

    Try to take things in smaller & realistic steps/milestones, since you likely won’t go from being unable to have intercourse to enjoying intercourse right away.

    First step: 4th dilator to 5th dilator
    Continue dilating consistently until you’re pretty comfortable with the 5th dilator! Feel accomplished that you’ve gotten this far in a month or two! You rock!

    Second step: 5th dilator to Intercourse
    After being able to dilate rather comfortably with the fifth dilator, you may want to attempt sex. It might not work on the first or second try but an attempt is still PROGRESS! Learn about some different positions that are easier when transitioning to sex and be sure to go slowly – since your boyfriend is understanding, I’m sure he will be happy to help you with this step. Eventually it will work 🙂

    Third step: Intercourse to COMFORTABLE Intercourse
    After you’re able to fit his penis in, it may still not be comfortable or he may have to go slow still. But after continuing to try, you will find it becoming more & more comfortable.

    Fourth step: Comfortable Intercourse to PLEASURABLE Intercourse
    Experiment and enjoy! You will be much less stressed by now and this step will probably come naturally.

    There is no timeline for each step/milestone 🙂 it’s not a race, because after this you’ve got the rest of your life to learn about & enjoy sex!

    Good luck and keep us updated!


    Dear Tshego27,

    You are NOT alone! You raise some great questions. One of them being “what if I don’t enjoy sex?” Sks823 laid out a great plan to follow! Really enjoying intercourse is something that may not happen the first time you have intercourse. Intercourse is one type of sex, so it is important to also know what you enjoy sexually. Getting to know your own body can be really helpful to help a partner know what you enjoy. Most woman have orgasms from clitoral stimulation, so masturbating and touching your own body can be a good way to start to gain sexual confidence and take some of the pressure off of yourself. Best of Luck!


    I just want to back up Sks823’s excellent outline of a potential plan! This was EXACTLY my trajectory – the pleasure came with time, and the feeling of continual accomplishment is what kept me going. I can tell you will be able to work at this and see real progress over time! We all have faith in you!

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