New boyfriend to this

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    Hello all! I am seeking some advice. Quick backstory. 5 months ago I started dating a girl who has Vaginismus. Took her a few weeks to tell me and when she did you can tell she was very embarrassed and visibly upset. We do have a sexual relationship but have never had intercourse. She said it isn’t painful, just her muscles close up and nothing can go in. Since she has told me I have done my own research so that I can become familiar with this since I have never heard of it before. I understand it is an uncontrolled muscle spasm. One article I read described it as poking someone in the eye and how your eyelid will shut uncontrollably to the response of something coming towards your eye. This gave me some insight. This gives her bad anxiety. I fully understand anxiety and the bodies way of dealing with it. I too suffer from anxiety (PTSD) from a trauma. So I understand you cannot control what your bodies responses are going to be to situations. With this said I have been a big advocate for her to become more open to talking about this. At first she couldn’t talk about it without crying. Now we can hold conversations, which I believe to be the first step in overcoming this. I informed her of this forum and encouraged her to read some posts. She did and it gave her a new sense of being able to deal with this and overcome this. After reading through these forums she decided to make an appointment with a Physiotherapist. Her first appointment was yesterday. I asked if she wanted me to go, but she wanted to do this first on her own to see what is was all about. When she got home I asked her about her appointment via text. She said she was emotionally exhausted and didn’t want to discuss till today. It broke my heart. Not because she didn’t want to talk but because I knew she was upset. She did tell me that they are thinking of doing EMDR and if I wanted to look it up I could. I already knew what it was since it was tried on me for my PTSD (which didn’t help and only gave me migraines). I will talk with her more about her appointment later tonight when I go over for dinner. She does tell me she is motivated to overcome this because of me and the support I give her which is great. She also says I do not push her which is nice. So for the million dollar questions. What do I need to do to support her or show my support more? Am I doing enough? I understand that going to that appointment yesterday was very exhausted emotionally for her. I was thinking of buying her flowers and writing in a card how proud I am of her for taking this first step. I know it was hard for her to do it. I do not want to be pushy but do want to show my support. So any suggestions, ideas, and thoughts are welcome! Thank you in advance!


    Hi Shorti24! I want to start by saying what an incredible job you’ve already done in supporting your girlfriend with these issues. I have to admit I started crying just reading your message because your actions have been so compassionate and considerate of her feelings and the emotional complexity something like this causes in a person. The fact that your communication has already come so far speaks volumes about how well you are handling this.

    I think you are already doing a great job at showing your support. One of the things you are doing especially well is staying informed about vaginismus, which is great because it means she can talk about it with you and know that you understand the context of her situation. You’re also very lucky in that your girlfriend has motivation to deal with this issue (which is the crucial ingredient – you can’t force someone with vaginismus to deal with her problem before she’s ready). I think your card and flowers idea is great, because the first step is often the hardest.

    A couple of other tips: as you continue on this journey with her, there will be setbacks and moments of difficulty, but it’s a huge help to praise her effort, even when it feels like progress is slow. Keeping the effort up over time is how she’ll start to see results. She will want to feel like the protagonist of this journey because it’s probably something she’s been dealing with a long time, but your support will be such a crucial element of her treatment.

    You’re already doing such a great job, and so many of us on the forums wish there were more men like you out there. We’re always happy to support you too – I know it’s hard to feel like you can’t take direct action at solving a problem like this, but know you’re helping so much in ways you can’t even foresee.



    Hugeeee props to you. You’re doing an amazing job. I’m so happy to hear you found this forum and introduced it to your girlfriend, and I hope it continues to be a part of her overcoming vaginismus (and for you whenever YOU have any questions).

    Giving her something like a card with a nice note or flowers is such a great idea. Anything to show that you’re proud of her making that first step. I know that your continued support will help her in her journey.

    This forum has a lot of regular users with good advice, so if she doesn’t have luck with her physiotherapist or wants to see if buying dilators or going to a women’s health center that is experienced w/vaginismus might help, we have all kinds of advice.

    She’s so lucky to have you and your support 🙂

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