Kind of new

[cookieface716]

Hello,
I was diagnosed last year at the start of my freshman year of college. I didn’t even know I had a problem until I kept trying to have sex and could not do it. I had never had a problem with tampons so I had no idea. I went to the OBGYN at my school and she told me about my muscle spasms. I had a really hard time with this. I didn’t want to be in a serious relationship I just wanted to go out and have one night stands and party. I went to a women’s health PT a few times and then corona started and I stopped. I’m back at college now and I met a guy. He is one of the only people I have ever told about my issues and he took it really well. He knew something was wrong when we went to be intimate the first time and he could not penetrate me… I ran out of his room half dressed. I explained to him what was happening. He told me that I didn’t owe anyone sex and no matter what he still liked me. It was basically ever college girl with vaginismus’ dream sentence. I explained to him that I might be able to have sex but we would have to do some of the exercises that my women’s health PT taught me. He is so on board!!!! I can’t help thinking that if we can’t have sex he will realize what this actually means and he will leave me. I feel like such a freak. I want to be with him so bad, I want to be with anyone but sometimes I feel like I should stop trying and that it would be easier to just grow old and die alone. I read that people never recover and I’m so young and I just don’t know if someone could ever love me like this. That seems very heavy but if it doesn’t work out with him I just feel like I should stop trying it would be so much easier then this anxiety.

[Heather]

Hey there girl! It breaks my heart to hear you’re hurting over this right now. I know your pain and struggles. I suffered with it for 10 years before I found out what was really wrong with me and I too thought no man could ever want or love me. And that I’d never get cured. But it actually is very highly treatable!! And you can get tampons in, that’s INCREDIBLE! A lot of women with primary vaginismus suffer with just attempting a finger!

I think you should buy yourself a dilating kit. I love mine from Pure Romance! You’ll want to start getting your muscles comfortable and you can do that by using a finger, or the smallest dilator and going clock wise, use the tip to gently press against the wall of your vagina. This was always my warm up before dilating! When you begin dilating, breathe in deep and fill your stomach with air instead of your lungs and insert the dilator. This opens up your vagina! Leave the dilator in for 10 minutes. Allow your body to adjust. Then take it out, put it back in and begin your in and out excercises!! Only go up in size when the dilator you’re using becomes easy! Rest days are important, but you’ll want to do this more days in the week then not. And lots of lube! Also, I highly suggest Googling Yoga stretches for pelvic floor muscles! So helpful!

Lastly, there is a ton of resources and books out there for you! Use them all up! Especially right here in this forum! Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re going to beat this and you are so worthy of love even with vaginismus.

Keep us updated! I hope this helps!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi cookieface716 – I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’ve been feeling, both physical and emotional. Like Heather, I dealt with vaginismus for nearly 10 years before being able to treat it, and I felt all the same things you’re feeling now, especially that I was incurable and that no one would ever love me.

But those feelings of mine weren’t an accurate reflection of reality, and I don’t think yours are either. For one thing, there are a number of wonderful men out there who will love a woman with vaginismus and also work patiently with her to help her cure it. I have a friend with vaginismus who recently got the botox procedure and is working her way through dilators, and she’s been with her partner for nearly 10 years! There are other forms of intimacy besides intercourse and it’s possible to have an intimate sexual life without penetrative sex.

That being said, vaginismus is ALSO extremely curable. It likely doesn’t feel this way because you’ve been living with it for so long, but you’d be amazed how fully you can be cured and how the feelings associated with vaginismus – guilt, shame, inadequacy – can heal over time as you make progress and rewrite your own narrative.

It’s fantastic that your current partner is on board, and I agree with Heather that getting a set of dilators (I also used the Pure Romance set) would be a great place to start. Your partner can be a great source of emotional support in this journey and you can also make him a part of your treatment as you make progress and get closer to intercourse. A partner who’s game to help can insert the dilators and help you get used to being penetrated by someone other than yourself. At any rate, he seems like he cares about you and wants to help you reach your goals.

Trust yourself and know that a better life is possible. We’re always here to answer your questions, so please let us know how it goes!

[Helen Leff, LCSW]

Love this thread on so many levels. Remembering that you can have a great sex life with “non intercourse sex” while you are treating vaginismus is really really important. Know that vaginismus is curable and you are on your way.
We at Maze are here for you.
Let us know how you are doing,
Helen