It’s painful

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  • #30692
    VaneFC
    Participant

    Hi. I’m Vane. I’m 25, Christian, and have been married to my husband for 2 years by next month but we haven’t done intercourse yet. I couldn’t get a pap smear a lil more than a year ago from the pain and my gynecologist suggested we get dilators. We did and it’s not helping much. I don’t look forward to the pain. I’m also suggested therapy but we don’t have the money to do so, so we’re just stuck in limbo. We do oral and manual sex to make up for it but hubs wants to do intercourse and I’m always knowing that it wouldn’t happen. Thankfully he doesn’t push me and supports me but it does make me feel useless in the end. I don’t know what to do.

    #30754
    mmHelen Leff, LCSW
    Moderator

    Hi Vane,
    Welcome to the forum – glad you found us. You have already taken the first step to overcoming pain with penetration by having purchased dilators. You said they are not helping much and maybe I can clarify how dilators can be helpful. They are used to “slowly” stretch the muscles inside the vagina. It’s a process whereby you start with the smallest dilator (put a lot of lubrication on it) and keep it inside for 10 minutes. Then at your pace (maybe weekly or after 2 weeks) you insert the next size dilator and work with that one …you do this until you can insert a dilator that is a bit larger (wider) than your husband’s penis. I can’t emphasize enough that this is a process and you will get there. In the meantime continue having pleasurable sex (using hands and mouth is sex!) with your partner.
    There’s a great deal of information on the forum and on our website for you to draw on. Please let us know how things are going for you.
    Helen

    #31455
    recessivegenequeenrecessivegenequeen
    Participant

    Hi Vane – wanted to check in and see how things are going for you and if you’ve tried dilating again. Like Helen said, it’s very much about the gradual process of getting more comfortable with having something penetrate you and stretching the muscles to gradually accommodate larger and larger things, so a degree of discomfort is actually a necessary part of the process!

    It can take time as well to re-learn your emotional and psychological connection to intercourse and penetration. Having pain around penetration for so long means that you have to rebuild trust with your own body, and that takes time and intentional focus.

    Let us know if any of this helps or what other kinds of problems you’re facing. I promise it doesn’t always have to be like this and that a happier sex life is possible!

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