I must be crazy
February 13, 2019 at 10:10 am #24352
I know for a FACT I have vaginismus, I see there’s help real help, and yet I’m scared to even call. For years I told myself just do it, and every time every single time it’s the same thing. My life is just going by. I’ll be 39 in March if I don’t get it together I really will be the 40 year old Virgin. I feel like I’m beyond help. I’m embarrassed and completely drained.February 13, 2019 at 10:22 am #24353
I called.February 13, 2019 at 10:26 am #24354Cathleen Kneidl, RPA-CParticipant
Congratulations on taking that first step! I know how difficult that must have been. Keep going!!!February 15, 2019 at 9:47 pm #24360
Congratulations Snooks22! And don’t beat yourself up over this – the first step is absolutely the hardest and it can feel like there’s no reason to take the plunge without some kind of push (for me it required a partner giving me something of an ultimatum – but if he hadn’t I never would have done it!) Know that making this call means you have the strength and assurance to see this through. We’re rooting for you!February 15, 2019 at 11:20 pm #24362
Recessivegenequeen are we the same person? I had somewhat of a ultimatum from a long time boyfriend and in all actuality it he has been super supportive over the years but he wants us to be all in not just some intimacy. People without this problem could never understand the turmoil. Years and years go by and after a while it’s like you don’t even care. He was more so like honey this just isn’t normal, which makes me feel like crap all over again. I’m just over it. I’m tired of being a prisoner to my vagina. I’m just praying this works. Thanks for the kind words. It’s definitely helps to know I’m not the only woman in the world with this problem.February 16, 2019 at 9:13 am #24364
Snooks22, WOW. That’s exactly how it happened with me! He was a newer partner, we had only been going out for a few months but he was very sweet and sensitive, not douchey at all. We’d had some kind of argument earlier in the week where I had mentioned I hadn’t been to a gynecologist in awhile (for obvious reasons) and that upset him a lot – he was worried I wasn’t fit to take care of my own health, which was a fair concern to have for someone you want to be seriously partnered with. I brushed it off and wasn’t worried at all, but then a few days later he brought it up again and essentially said “Sex is important to me. If you don’t do something to try to figure this out we can’t stay together.”
I was DEVASTATED. It was basically the worst thing I could have possibly imagined being said to me, that my problems with sex were enough to lose me someone I loved. I thought about breaking up with him in the immediate aftermath of that conversation – didn’t he understand my pain, how hard this was for me? I felt utterly betrayed by someone I had trusted to accept me. But in the end I decided to seek help because of something a friend said: “You’ve always wanted to do something about this. And you can always break up with him later. So why not try it now?”
Two and a half years after I got the botox treatment and achieved intercourse, I can say that my boyfriend’s ultimatum was the best thing he could have ever done for me. I resented him for a long time, but I recognize now that if I hadn’t been given a reason to finally help myself, I would have lived with the problem and shrunk in fear of it forever. It was worth those feelings to reclaim a sense of normalcy and to discover my own strength. You won’t believe what it will do for you to finally confront your feelings about vaginismus, even beyond the gain of being able to have sex. It’s scary and hard, but you will be so proud of yourself after.
Making the call was truly the scariest part. The rest was just one step forward at a time. And we’re here cheering for you every step of that path.February 17, 2019 at 7:54 pm #24372
recessivegenequeen you just don’t know what your response means to me. DEVASTATED is the absolute correct word I would use to describe how I felt. We were sort of talking about marriage in a sense. Really hypothetical though and he said I’m concerned about the “sex thing” I in turn said “oh because I’m scary?” He said no because it’s non-existant. I was CRUSHED, not because I didn’t know or understand but because he spoke on it. When I said I would look for help he was ELATED. I really didn’t know where to even begin so I began using google to type in everything I could think of and came across Dr.Pacik name I looked at some YouTube videos and was excited then I saw he retired and then I lost hope again. Until I discovered he passed on his knowledge to future doctors. Of course I started looking at the cost and was like oh boy this is really expensive. Then I said isn’t my happiness worth more? My insurance won’t help cover the cost but I have another source. I’m going to keep going until I have my success story up here. I truly appreciate you and every other woman brave enough to talk about this. I know once I overcome this hurdle I’ll have a well balanced life. Sometimes ultimatums aren’t bad.February 17, 2019 at 9:46 pm #24373
Snooks22 it really is spooky how similar our stories are – even the part about Dr. Pacik is true of me! I first heard of him and bought his book (When Sex Seems Impossible) when I was in college but wasn’t in a position either financially, logistically, or emotionally to seek treatment at the time. Several years later at the time of the ultimatum I looked into it again and discovered just what you did, but was super relieved to discover that other doctors were carrying on his legacy (and even practicing near NYC where I lived at the time!) I’m so glad that knowledge of his practices is spreading.
I hear you on the financial question. I won’t lie, the treatment was expensive! But you’re totally right about the fact that your happiness (and the health of your partnership) is completely worth that. When I did the treatment I thought about it as an investment in myself and my relationship – you’re putting resources toward making yourself more confident and giving yourself options related to intimacy (and even toward your ability to have children someday if you ever want them). In that sense, it’s just about the best money I’ve ever spent, and sometimes I think about how miraculous it is that this is a problem that you can nearly guarantee will disappear if you get the treatment (last I checked it has a 92% success rate). All that is just to say that if it’s what you need, it’s something you deserve to do for yourself once you can. And even if that can’t be right away, it’s worth saving up for.
I am so impressed by your strength and conviction, and I know you’ll be one of the people telling her success story soon. It took me a LONG time to forgive my partner’s ultimatum and it speaks a lot to your openness that you’ve already come to understand that to a degree. I can’t wait to hear how you’ll do next.February 18, 2019 at 7:43 am #24379
recessivegenequeen I know you’ve stated that you had this procedure done around 2 years ago….. this maybe a bit personal and if you don’t want to answer I completely understand, but how long after you had your procedure did you have intercourse with your mate? I do understand each case is different as we all are. I guess I was just wondering? I’m in the process of filling out all my entry paperwork, as I type this. I’ll keep you abreast we’re sisters now lol.February 18, 2019 at 9:28 pm #24382
Snooks22, it’s okay, you can ask me anything! I was able to have intercourse 20 days after the procedure. I had no desired timeline for it (as long as I could get there eventually!) so I went in without expectations, but I was moving up steadily with the dilators and there came a day where I was dilating at my partner’s house and just felt like I was ready to try. To be honest I thought it would take a lot longer! And it took a few attempts before it actually started feeling good, but that was probably within 2 months.
Yes, please please do! From one sister to another, I’m majorly cheering for you over here!February 19, 2019 at 10:31 am #24384
recessivegenequeen I truly appreciate you being open I’m really struggling I’m still so doubtful of everything. I have to call the clinic to make an appointment for my phone interview in which I make my first payment. I almost feel sick to my stomach. That’s how I know I’m crazy. My ANXIETY is so high….. how did you get past that part (if you even went through it) to be intimate with your mate. The foreplay I’m with I love it in all actuality but when he goes to attempt I almost freeze like a damn statue and my anxiety level is through the ROOF. Then of course the MOOD IS RUINED. Will this treatment help me get past that part?February 19, 2019 at 11:28 am #24385Jennifer Dembo, LMSWParticipant
Snooks22 – you are wildly brave for even thinking about picking up the phone to call us! Just remember, YOU get to set the pace. Sometimes it’s easier to break things down – take them one step at a time. For now, maybe your only goal is to speak with someone on the phone. The next step will be to process the conversation. After that, you can determine what the following move will be. There is no right or wrong, only your desire to get help on your own terms.
The experience with anxiety often comes with the vaginismus territory (whether it’s regarding treatment, interpersonal engagement, etc.). At Maze we support you both medically and emotionally so that you can work through all that needs to be addressed.
Wishing you all my best!February 19, 2019 at 11:43 am #24386
Omg thank you thank you for responding. While filling out the paperwork yesterday I was just looking at the questions and saying to myself this is really a mess…. how did you do this to yourself? Why did you let it get this bad? Why? Why? Why? So emotional I get somewhat excited, then scared again, then crying. I feel like a disaster? I don’t want to be a trouble patient I want to be a success not just for Maze success percentile, but for my Life. I want to have a FULL life I’m a great person I deserve it. I just want to look back and say yessssssssss you did it? Now what? Thailand? Egypt? World traveler? And as much as I want to be happy I want it more for him. He has been my rock and he deserves to be happy too.February 19, 2019 at 1:53 pm #24392
LADIES!!!!!!! Phone consult on 2/26/2019….. then appointment date…. pray for meFebruary 19, 2019 at 2:13 pm #24394
Snooks22 I’m just glad you’re asking questions! It shows how brave you are that you’re seeking these answers.
I totally felt sick to my stomach too – it felt like I was stepping over the edge of a cliff. But the feeling of anxiety is a huge part of what both botox and dilation address. The benefit of dilating (in addition to the way it stretches your muscles) is that your brain sees that you’re able to insert a dilator and goes “Oh, well if that penis-sized object can fit inside me, then a penis probably can too!” The anxiety won’t always be this bad, that’s the change I was most amazed at in myself.
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