I keep scaring men away

[km8899]

Hi, this is my first post here so I’m sorry if I repeat questions that have already been discussed, I’m just not sure which tab to find what discussions in.

I’m not diagnosed but I’ve been reading a lot about vaginismus and it sounds exactly like what’s going on with me. I’m able to use a slim vibrator (about 34mm diameter) on myself, but every time I try to have sex it’s unbearably painful. Something I struggle with a lot is the fact that I’ll never know if my scary experience of losing my virginity caused this or if I would have had this problem anyway. I’ve read that having a traumatizing “first time” can cause a cycle of fear and pain and I think that may have happened with me.

I guess what I’m looking for on this forum is if anyone can reassure me that there are men who will accept me while I’m dealing with this. I’m 24 and have dated and tried to sleep with a lot of men but I’ve never been in a relationship. I think part of the reason for that is I scare or frustrate them off when I have to stop the sex. Some have been quite mean to me about this and I almost always cry after I attempt to have sex. I have a feeling things might be better once I can fully trust someone but at this point I’m worried that I’ll never find love if this keeps warding them off.

[Heather]

Hello km8899!
First of all, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with the dreaded vaginismus! But absolutely you can find love! My husband and I were together for 6 years before I was able to cure my vaginismus. And yes you’re right, your first time experience could indeed have made you believe in your head that sex is associated with pain, triggering your PC muscles to clam shut on the penis or anything upon penetration. I completely understand your frustration with dating, I was always worried my husband would leave me and I’d never find love until it got fixed but that’s just not true 🙂 Men will you surprise you! But sex is a wonderful thing, it’s fun and feels great and is the best when you’re with someone you trust. Every woman deserves to have penetration be an option. I really think you should get yourself a dilating kit and begin physical therapy at home. 20 minutes a day, in and out movements as many days of the week as you can. They start very small! This will help you slowly strengthen those muscles and give them a good stretch so you can achieve amazing penetration! 🙂 You can do this AND you can find love! Vaginismus is annoying as it is, don’t allow it to fear you away from dating, or anything for that matter. You can already insert a small vibrator which is incredible!! I feel as though you would rock it at dilating!

[Jennifer Dembo, LMSW]

km8899 – I’m so glad you found us – welcome to our community!

Very sorry to hear that you are struggling – we understand. Vaginismus can manifest for a variety of reasons, and a negative first sexual experience can certainly impact your mind and body. But with proper diagnosis and treatment, you will find your way to healing.

Heather is right about potential partners – they will surprise you! It may take some time, but the right person is out there; someone who will be supportive, encouraging and patient. You DESERVE that in a partner, and nothing less.

We offer a free, 10-minute phone consult – give Maze a call for a more in-depth discussion about what next steps may be right for you. In the meantime – we wish you all our best!

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi km8899 – I just want to back these ladies up and say that you should not give up on the idea of partnership! Dating with vaginismus is hard, but there really are men out there who will pleasantly surprise you. It can also help to take more control of how you share this information – a mistake I made often was nervously putting off the revelation of my vaginismus until we were already getting physical and it made things awkward and made me seem like I had something to be ashamed of. I wish I’d been up front about it early and reassured those partners that I was interested in being sexual with them even though penetration wasn’t currently an option. Plenty of people will still be interested!