I did it :)

[bosox2004]

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I’ve had a chance to post since my procedure on Monday. Everything went fine; I want to thank everyone for all the prayers, good thoughts, and well wishes that were sent my way. 🙂

Here’s how Monday went:
I arrived about 20 minutes early and finished filling out all my paperwork. The other girl arrived shortly thereafter and we had a great time in the waiting room getting to know each other. Since she was single and my hubby couldn’t make it either day, we just clicked which REALLLY helped. The hardest part was when they called her first and I was left in the waiting room. Thankfully, her mom was kind enough to listen to my endless chatter. 🙂 Dr. Pacik came into the waiting room twice to introduce himself and then to talk about dilator size for me. I had brought a replica of my husband’s penis so he could have a good idea what size dilators I needed. Throughout the wait, members of the staff came in and out of the waiting room to check on us, meet us, etc which I thought was so nice.

When they finally called my name, I was sooooo excited because I was so ready to just be done with it. Shortly after I got downstairs, it was time for the other girl’s procedure. Her procedure seemed to go very fast and the next thing I knew, she was back telling me it was easy! Shortly thereafter, it was my turn. The HARDEST thing was having to wait for Dr. Pacik to get in the operating room – everyone else was ready to go and we were just waiting on him. lol The only thing I couldn’t handle was the oxygen mask on my face because I felt claustrophobic; they said it was no problem and they would put it on once I was asleep. Dr. Pacik came in and did the q-tip test which wasn’t bad at all. He then did his exam to check the spasm levels; he was VERY gentle and it didn’t hurt. Ellen was kind enough to hold my hand throughout the entire exam. The last thing I remember was Dr. Pacik telling the nurse to write down “excellent Kegels”. Next think I remember, I was waking up from one heck of a good sleep. 🙂

I remember asking what sized dilator was inside me and was sooo happy to hear it was the blue silicone one – the biggest silicone dilator they have. After waking up I did have to go pee so the nurse removed the dilator and let me go the bathroom. When I got back, I put it right back in with no problem which was absolutely amazing!!! It’s a little hazy after that. I remember working with the dilator for a while – taking it in and out, twisting it, etc. For the most part I was just content to sit there with it in me. We dilated for the remainder of the day and then it was time to go home. I had originally put the pink silicone dilator in but Dr. Pacik and Ellen told me to put the purple one in before I left. I stayed with the Pacik’s and we had a wonderful time. I slept with the purple dilator in and only woke up once in a little discomfort and took some ibuprofen.

Day 2 was a lot of fun. We got in at 8 and got right to work dilating. It was amazing how much progress we made. Our anxiety levels were at 0 and it was taking us SECONDS to put the dilators in!! We started with 4, went to 5 next, and then 6. The counseling went great and we learned a lot. It was so amazing to see how far we had already come. The most amazing thing for me was that I was able to put #7 inside me!! Granted, it took about 10 minutes to get it fully inside me, was a little uncomfortable, and I only kept it in for 5 minutes, but I. DID. IT!!!! It was amazing. By the time it was over, I was tired and ready to go home and take a nap, though!

I slept with #4 last night and didn’t wake up throughout the night with any discomfort. The one discouraging this was that it didn’t go in as quickly as it had before; I hadn’t dilated for several hours so things had gotten a little tight I guess. Once in, I did Kegel’s to make it feel it a little bit better.

I woke up this morning and have already done my first hour of dilating. I dilated with #5 for 40 minutes and #6 for 35 minutes. I felt some discomfort with both (by discomfort I mean burning where the muscle is getting stretched and period-like cramps but no intense pain or “blockage”) but it went away within a minute or so. I bought the glass dilators and love them. I’ve done laundry, cleaned the house, washed dishes, sat, stood, bent, and the dilator didn’t budge.
I’m still quite shocked at how much progress I’ve made since Monday!

I realllly wish my husband could have made one of the days but it wasn’t meant to be, I guess. All I know is that if I can do it alone with no friends or family, anyone can!!! If anyone finds themselves in that situation, please reach out to me – I will try to help and support you any way I can. One of the moderators texted me all Monday morning which meant the world to me! She definitely helped put my mind at ease.

I think one of the most significant changes is how I feel mentally/emotionally. For the first in YEARS, I feel truly happy. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me and I am so proud of myself for going through with it at the last minute. I feel so much stronger. I was telling the other girl that we “V” girls are the toughest people I know. I have friends and family who post on Facebook about things such as infertility and miscarriages and they get an outpouring of love, prayers, and support. We “V” girls get nothing – we’re so strong, nobody even knows that we’re even battling anything. My parents, sisters, in-laws, extended family all have no idea what happened on Monday and I think I’m going to keep it that way.

I’m still not quite sure how my marriage situation is going to end up but I do know that I already feel like a completely different person. I hope that my husband can see the change and is willing to stick it out with me. We’ve had some hard times but I think we’re about to finally have some good times. We deserve it.

All in all, the procedure went wonderful – I was nervous for nothing!! I just wish I had done it sooner!! I had to just about wipe out our savings to get the procedure, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. The worst thing that happened – when I was leaving Dr. Pacik’s office, I hit a brick wall and ended up scraping my left rear bumper. I didn’t even see the brick wall!! I haven’t had the heart to even tell my husband because I know we don’t have the money to fix the car. I know I will have to tell him soon before he sees it himself and I know accidents happen but it just came at the worst possible time. All that to say, if me damaging my car was worse than the procedure and dilating, then you know it’s not that bad. 🙂

I will definitely post my progress and let everyone know how things are going. If you’re contemplating the procedure and have any questions, please feel free to ask away! I believe that NO woman should have to go through this awful condition alone. I’ve always told my husband that if I was ever cured, I would like to somehow reach out to the religious world and help girls who may be battling this. Having grown up in that world, I know exactly how hard it can be. It is my hope that I can somehow, some way, help others.

One other great thing that happened was that I made a friend for life with the other girl who had the procedure done that day!! We’ve been texting each other and helping each other with the dilating process. We’re already planning a reunion next month in Boston. I can’t wait to see how much progress we’ve made by then. 🙂

Sorry that this post turned out to be so long but I had a lot to share with you guys. Again, if anyone is contemplating going through with the procedure – DO IT! I promise, you won’t regret it.

[Janet Pacik]

All I can say is that we are so happy for you. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye before I left to spend the afternoon with my granddaughter but I thoroughly enjoyed meeting you and having you in our home. Our conversations were very meaningful and I just know you will continue to be successful. I think it is wonderful that you are so willing to help other women who are suffering from vaginismus. Continue to post, the good days and the not so good days as this will help you as well as our previous patients and those who are contemplating treatment.

[Nakitalab]

I am so happy for you!!!! You are doing great with the dilating and I’m just so filled with joy for you! Thank you so much for sharing as I have been thinking of you. If you have any questions about post procedure or just want to chat, share, etc. I’m here for you. Sending you a big hug and again I’m so very happy for you. You are on the road to freedom from Vaginismus! What a wonderful blessing!

[Molly]

Hey Bosox2004!
It’s the other girl from Monday! Awesome blog post about your experience. I had an excellent experience both Monday and Tuesday, and it is an amazing support to be able to text with you my experiences post procedure with dilation and other challenges. I am grateful for having had my procedure the same day as you. You are very brave and we are already on experiencing our successful outcomes. Great job describing how amazing and supportive the whole team at in Dr. Pacik’s practice.

[Olivia]

Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you as well! You are well on your way to overcoming this! I loved reading your post and have been wondering how you have felt after the procedure. I agree, many women with vaginismus suffer in silence and never talk to anyone about what we are going through. Usually our significant others are the only ones who know and they do not have anyone else to talk to about how they are feeling either. I am glad you got the procedure and have made a life long friend. I am sorry to hear about your car, but glad the procedure went well.

[Dr. Pacik]

The two of you did just great and I very much enjoyed meeting both of you and working together the next day. I think you are my first patient that made it to the #7 glass dilator the day after the treatment. That in of itself is monumental; however, I would urge you not to go beyond the #6 for the next week or two to allow the muscles to stretch slowly.
Sometimes women don’t feel so good after they get home. Sometimes there may be a “meltdown” and I recall one patient who struggled with a panic attack. There is so much of one’s sole that goes into getting better that it is easy to understand why “not feeling so good” can be devastating. The patient is convinced they have been “poisoned” by the Botox, or that for sure they are the one who will fail. Of course none of this is true as everyone discovers once they get into the routine of dilation.
Others may develop considerable irritation. The use of over the counter 1% hydrocortisone cream (quicker acting) or ointment (lasts longer) can be quite helpful for temporary irritation. This is a steroid cream that is safe when a small amount is used twice daily for about a week, or just as needed. (It’s also good for mosquito and fly bites and any small irritations.)
Congratulations on your rapid success. I know you still have much work to do, but this is a great start.

[Kim]

Bosox2004! I’m in awe of your amazing progress!! And the fact that you got to stay with the Pacik’s is just another testament to how much they care & are invested in helping us women overcome.

As Dr. Pacik mentioned above – I’m actually one of the women that’s been struggling with irritation. I think because I started my period the day before my procedure that my skin was already super sensitive – so though I was able to have much success with dilating while numb the day of the procedure and more success the day after, for me I started to go backwards in my progress this last week. It’s only been 10 days since my procedure and I’m struggling to see much improvement. BUT I will say, Dr. Pacik’s suggestion to use Hydrocortisone Cream has been a HUGE help for me. My lady bits are just so dang sensitive!!! I bought Hydrocortizone10 in the Cooling Gel formula for during the day and I’ve felt SO much better – then I’ve been using the Hydrocoritzone10 in the ointment for adding to my lube mix with dilating at night. I honestly can’t believe how much that’s helped me feel better the last couple days.

Anyway – you are so well on your way with dilating, you may not even need these tips – but for those of you ladies out there a bit discouraged, I keep reminding myself that we’re all on our own journeys and to be patient with our bodies – after all, I’m retraining 19 years worth of psychological & physical responses of my body!

Stay in touch with us Bosox2004 and keep us posted on your journey! You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Heather34]

Hi bosox2004. Huge, huge CONGRATS on having your procedure. I am so very proud of you!!! You’ve given such an excellent explanation of the procedure day and day 2 and this will be so helpful for future patients. You wrote of your initial successful q-tip test and exam with Dr. Pacik pre-procedure and this is beyond awesome that you were able to tolerate it. I could not tolerate even the q-tip test and do not remember either the q-tip test or exam as I was probably already under anesthesia. The last thing I remember is holding my hubby’s hand and going into the procedure room and then next was waking up with the dilator in place. I also had requested IV Verced right when I got to the office as I was so incredibly nervous and this also helped to relax me much more and take away many of the physical symptoms of anxiety that I normally would’ve experienced. I can relate to what you wrote of having to pee right when you woke up and with the dilator in place. I felt like I had to do the same and I removed the large blue dilator; peed; and then re-inserted it right back in all while being amazed and in shock that there was something inside of me at all. Day 2 sounds excellent and it sounds like you really bonded with your roommate. I found my roommate’s level of support to be invaluable while up there and we both helped each other and shared this powerful mutual experience. We still keep in touch to this day!!!! She was the very first person that I had ever met face to face who also had vaginismus and for so many years, I felt like I was the only one in the world who had it. You have made absolutely tremendous progress since Monday!!! Next, you wrote about how you now feel mentally/emotionally and I absolutely LOVED reading this. You wrote “for the first time in YEARS, I feel truly happy.” This is so, so good and makes me smile so huge right now!!!! I am so proud of you for going through with it albeit a last minute decision, it certainly was the right one and you have come out on top of this! The difference that I felt from pre to post-procedure was like night and day and I remember feeling so much lighter after it was all over with and so, so much happier!!!! I pray so much for you and your husband and I think post-procedure counseling may really, really help. I’m sorry about what happened with the car but these things have a way of working themselves out. I am just so, so happy for you and am elated to read this post. Can’t wait to follow your progress and read more posts soon. Sending huge hugs and, again, huge Congrats to you!!!!!

[Heather34]

Hi Kim. This is such a great post. You wrote “I keep reminding myself that we’re all on our own journeys and to be patient with our bodies – after all, I’m retraining 19 years worth of psychological & physical responses of my body!” This is so true and you are doing so incredibly well with every single step taken. Post-procedure, if I ever felt discouraged on certain days, my hubby would gently remind me of the statement “we are now so far from where we once were” and this was so true. I love your tip on using the Hydrocortizone and think this will be very, very helpful for others to use as well. Sending you huge hugs and prayers.