How do you re-create intimacy?

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    Hi ladies. In a recent thread discussing intimacy, Allie had an excellent suggestion for re-creating intimacy with your partner.

    She wrote “Have you and your husband tried being intimate with each other in a way knowing that NO sex will be involved. Just focusing on other parts of the body that can make you both feel good. We get so wrapped up with fear that we forget about the love and wanted intimacy that we used to have with our partners(without sex)…Once you both spend time being intimate with each other, try just rubbing his penis around your opening, don’t even think about trying to insert and make sure he doesn’t try to insert either. This will help you get used to it, this helped me so much.”

    Dr. Pacik further wrote:
    “Three lovely ladies were treated today. During post procedure counseling of transition to intercourse we discussed how pressure tends to derail us at these fragile moments. As a Forum let’s continue discussing what we can do to re-create intimacy and remove the clinical aspects of dilation and the pressure of achieving intercourse. I like Allie’s idea of being intimate with each other KNOWING THAT NO SEX WILL BE INVOLVED. We have to return to those intimate moments. Perhaps a little loving in a bathtub. Warm water is always special for our senses. Massage. Hugging. See if you can get comfortable with his penis between your legs knowing there will be no penetration.”

    I think this is extremely important ladies. While having vaginismus, my hubby and I still expressed our love and intimacy through touching and oral sex. We just could not achieve penetration. Immediately post-procedure, we practiced the sensate focus touching that we learned about and kissing and hugging both with and without dilating. This definitely took away the cold, clinical aspect of it and made this time something that we both looked forward to as it was shared intimacy.

    What other ideas do you have for re-creating intimacy with your partner?


    I found that the whole procedure experience started the ball rolling. My husband suddenly saw the reality of the situation and the fact it wasn’t all in my head. He suddenly became very involved. During Dr. Pacik’s counseling sessions to the group, he used sexual terms very openly and encouraged honesty amongst us; my husband and I have never spoken so openly about sexuality and intimacy but this openness seems to have opened up a new channel of communication. Since we’ve been back from our procedure this week, my husband is trying his best to hold me and himself accountable, helping me insert the dilators, helping me keep track of how long I have the dilators in, checking with me to see how much discomfort I’m in or whether I’m anxious. The accountability for both of us has been huge and has opened up conversation, which is really wonderful.

    Dr. Pacik

    This is a wonderful post. I have seen it so often, the change in a man’s outlook when he understands that withdrawal is involuntary and not related to him. This is why I have the men look over my shoulder during the treatment. The continued retreat even under anesthesia, even while the rest of the body is flaccid from the anesthetic, is a monumental moment. Everything seems to flow more easily once this hurdle is overcome. The man finally understands it is “not her problem” nor is her condition “his fault” but rather an unexplained medical condition that compromises the woman’s ability to have intercourse. It is at this point that the couple can begin working together towards success.


    Hi Lotus. Huge Congrats on your recent Feb. procedure and I loved reading this post. In a prior post, we both discussed wanting to just “fix” this and viewed it as our own problem. Post-procedure, it is just wonderful to see the change in action. Through dilating together and truly opening up to each other in Dr. Pacik’s office, this brought my husband and I that much closer and certainly carried over to intimacy and increased communication at home. It is so wonderful to see how post-procedure, this is now looked upon as a journey for the two of you to go on together. Keep up the great work and I can’t wait to read more of your posts.

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