Feel hopeless and it’s frustrating

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    Hello everyone,

    I am new to the forum, but I have been reading other people’s post and it’s super uplifting seeing people who have been successful in their vaginismus stories.

    I am just super frustrated because I just feel like this will always be something I struggle with. I can’t pinpoint an exact reason I have the issue, I do have anxiety (health) and I guess I would say that even though I’m relatively open about sex, I’ve always been somewhat scared. I guess the fear started when friends say it hurts, or just not feeling attractive enough, or feeling nervous about what people may think, I believe this may be playing a part in my vaginismus. I was a late bloomer, I didn’t kiss a guy until my 20s and the same for ‘losing’ my virginity (it hurt so much… felt like literal glass scraping the entrance so it wasn’t full on intercourse).
    I have visited doctors multiple times and a gynaecologist. The gyno just gave me anaesthetic gel to use (which I’ve heard can be damaging) and one of the doctors prescribed me dilators, but I’m still stuck on the 2nd one!! I use lubricant (a sensitive one as I find normal lubricant stings), but the 3rd one hurts so much to use still. I haven’t used them continuously – what with studies, work and everything going on at the moment I haven’t prioritised their use. But I used them a lot the year before, but still only managed the 2nd one.

    My partner is patient (but I can tell it frustrates him) about it and my friends/family are supportive but I just feel like no one really understands as they haven’t been through it. I just feel broken and exhausted with it, which sounds so over dramatic but I just wish that there was something that could be done as it takes up way too much of my time worrying about it and watching countless videos.

    As for advice, I definitely needed to come on here to rant, but if anyone reads my very long (and probably boring – I’m sorry aha) paragraph then I have some questions:
    – Have you tried Botox and has it helped?
    – Is Botox super expensive (UK) as I’ve seen treatments for over £2k?
    – Are there any dilators that you find better than the hard plastic ones?
    – How long did dilator treatment take?
    – Is it difficult to broach the subject when entering a new relationship?
    – Have you been diagnosed with a physical cause (I only ask because when I was super young I fell on a bench super hard and it was agony down there for a few days so I’m worried it’s physical and not just mental)?

    Thank you in advance xox


    Hi Valentine! Thanks so much for posting and sharing your story! There’s a lot to unpack here and I’m glad you laid out everything you’ve been feeling.For context, I suffered from vaginismus for about 10 years before eventually getting the botox treatment at the Maze Clinic in September of 2016. I’ve been able to have pain-free penetrative intercourse for more than 4 years now thanks to that procedure.

    First of all, while it’s super natural to feel like you might always suffer from vaginismus (I used to believe this too), it is not necessarily the case – there are lots of treatment options out there (like botox!) that you haven’t tried yet, and you would be amazed how well they can work. Vaginismus can feel like a prison, but there are ways to mitigate if not completely eliminate the pains and symptoms with treatment.

    It sounds like you’ve had some success with dilation, which is great. It also sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities in your life between school, work, and other obligations, so you could be a great candidate for the botox treatment. The cost varies depending where you get the procedure done (and I know that in the UK the NHS can make it complicated to get certain kinds of elective care), but we’ve had several women in this thread from the UK get the botox treatment successfully. Here’s a thread where they discuss some of the specifics if you’d like to read more:

    The amount of time it takes for botox to work can vary widely between people – I was able to be penetrated 20 days after getting my botox procedure and sex started feeling actively pleasurable a few weeks later (it wasn’t painful before that but was something I was still adjusting to). It takes other people longer, some even less time, but what most people will agree on is that botox (especially how Maze does it) really helps bypass blockages both physically and mentally/emotionally.

    Since vaginismus is both a physical response of the muscles and an emotional cycle of pain and fear that cements itself more and more over time, it can also be helpful to treat the emotional symptoms of dealing with vaginismus by seeing a therapist or sex therapist. That might be something to look into as you consider re-embarking on some sort of treatment path.

    Also, I think a lot of us feel the temptation over the years to ask ourselves WHY we have vaginismus, whether there was some underlying physical or emotional cause. It’s tempting to feel like the “why” will help us understand and conquer these issues, but for most people there isn’t a clear-cut incident. I think for a lot of people it can happen because of generalized anxiety issues, shame around sex, pressure from partners too soon, etc. Maybe it will make sense in time but it also might not, and that doesn’t stop you from seeking treatment.

    I hope this helps – let us know if you have more questions along the way!


    Hi Valentine!
    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all this. But vaginismus is easier to cure than you think! 🙂 The BOTOX treatment was my saving grace. After, I dilated for 39 days before I was cured! As for dilators, I got the Pure Romance set and I love them! Very easy and comfortable to insert! There are also breathing techniques you can use. Fill your stomach up with air vs your chest and you will open your diaphragm more to allow an easier insertion of the dilators. You can also try yoga poses to stretch your pelvic floor! The thing is that vaginismus is different for every female and therefore treatment timelines are also different. It takes how long it takes. But with persistence and consistency, you’ll put your vaginismus days behind you before you know it. It’s hard to know for sure where your vaginismus comes from, the circumstances are different for all women. But just remember that you are not less than a woman because of it. I would highly recommend beginning dilating. Find yourself a kit you love, find a lube that works for you. And you’ll want to spend about 20 minutes a day, as often during the week as you can. And don’t move up in size until your current size is eaay peasy! Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you. You got this!!

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