Deadlines

[Magnolia]

My process of recovering from vaginismus has been a long one. I am still using dilators and am still not really comfortable with the final one. My husband has tonight told me he resents me and doesn’t like me as a person (but still loves me) because we do not have a family of our own.

I also have fibromyalgia and that coupled with the vaginismus has made this whole process so frustratingly hard. Throw a global pandemic in the mix and I don’t feel like I’ve made much progress this year at all.

He has given me a deadline of February to start to try for a baby. The pressure of this deadline will not help me but I believe it will hinder me. He says if we are not trying for a baby by February he will divorce me. I don’t know whether he is saying this to “scare me into action” or whether he actually wishes this to happen. It seems everytime someone we know announces a pregnancy it triggers his anger and frustration. He says we are getting too old (we are 34) and sends me news articles about how getting pregnant after 35 is risky. I try to remain positive about it all as what good will being negative do. This is the situation we are in and there’s no point comparing our lives to the lives of others but he will not see it from this point of view.

Does anyone have any advice about how to handle this? Or advice, words of encouragement… I am struggling to see the point in my existence at the moment. I try to be a good wife, daughter, sister, friend etc but just feel like I am never good enough.

[Naomicandoit]

Dear Magnolia,
I am so sorry this is your situation right now. I would love to send you a BIG BIG HUG to encourage you. He has no right to ask you this, this pressure is not good for either you, your relationship, and any child you will have in the future. I want to tell you, that I am 38, with vaginismus, not able to have full intercourse with my husband, and that is why we have no children (yet). But there are other options, apart from intercourse- have you considered IUI (clinical insemination) or ICI (home insemination)? We have just tried the last- using a small, thin syringe, that is inserted to the vagina, even just a few cm (sorry, I’m Europian…). For me, I have a severe vaginismus, and it was a bit uncomfortable, but it was bearable, and much more realistic for me, than full intercourse (which for me is almost impossible). So we are trying this for a few monthes, and than, on the same time, I have time and peace to carry on with my treatment using dilators and therapy.
Speaking of therapy- your last words on your past makes me want to encourage you to go to therapy (couples therapy, or just for you). It will realy help you with this whole process.
BIG HUG!

[Magnolia]

Hi Naomi,

Thank you for your kind words of support, it means a lot. I feel so much brighter after just getting my feelings out and talking to someone about it. Thank you!

I’m sorry you are also in this situation but it does help to know that I am not alone in this.

I haven’t considered those other options actually but I will do some research into them. It’s good to know that they may be an option if intercourse takes a while. I have been thinking about therapy for a while but keep putting it off – the cost is a big factor but I need to view it as essential for my health so I think in the new year that’s definitely something I need to do.

Thank you so much x

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Magnolia – wow, I am so so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. Your husband’s “deadline” is hurtful and counterproductive and I’m sure you have a lot of feelings of resentment around it. I completely agree that an important step of this process is to go to therapy (couples would be good but individual for sure if your husband seems reluctant to join you). It sounds from your husband’s words like he has caused you a lot of emotional pain and it will absolutely be necessary to your recovery to make sense of your marriage to him so that if you choose to stay in your marriage you can rebuild your trust in him and your confidence in yourself.

One of the core tenets of curing vaginismus, whether you use dilators or physical therapy or get the botox treatment or follow any other sort of program, is that treatment takes how long it takes. After years of pain and shame we are often desperate to see quick results, but it can be a slow process to unlearn the association between pain and sex in your mind and to relax the muscles in your body. Putting a deadline on this process is one of the most counterproductive things you can do because the process takes how long it takes – it’s that simple. What matters is that you are working consistently and steadily and celebrating the small wins as they come – those are the tools that will bring you further along this path.

I can’t know what your husband is thinking, but one thing I recommend if you are still dealing with this part fo the situation is to go to him and explain that you are working on the problem and that you can’t rush the process – the most you can do is put in the work and move down the path at your own pace. If he refuses to listen to this reasoning, it especially underscores the need for something like couples therapy to see if your marriage can be saved. Even if you get past this struggle, he should understand how hurtful his “deadline” was and that it was undermining to your efforts.

As Naomi mentioned, you do have other options for getting pregnant (I’ve also seen people mention the Mosie Baby Syringe as a good option for those still dealing with vaginismus while trying to get pregnant: https://mosiebaby.com/)

Finally, I want you to know that you ARE doing enough and are working hard. Vaginismus has a way of making us feel extremely inadequate, but what is happening to you is not your fault and the way you are working through it is a testament to your strength. Don’t forget your power and your persistence – they are the things you will always have, no matter what happens.

Good luck, and let us know if there’s any other way we can help.

[Heather]

Hi Magnolia!
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with vaginismus, and so sorry you don’t have the support you deserve. I think what the ladies said above is square on! I also think it might help if you find yourself an article online or even a book that could help your husband truly understand what you’re going through. And you guys could read it together. Like Ressesivegenequeen said, it takes how long it takes. Vaginismus cannot be rushed, cannot meet a deadline, and cannot be resented away. I think the main problem is the lack of understanding. And in that lack of understanding, your feelings aren’t being validated and I’m sure your husbands feeling like his aren’t being validated either. Couples counseling would be very beneficial, but if not an option,I think a very long talk is in order. Sometimes it’s just a lack of knowledge on vaginismus.

Aside from that, I want you to know that you are an incredibly strong woman and you can do whatever you set your mind to! I know you can overcome vaginismus!! Listen to your body, go at a pace that makes you feel comfortable and always remember to be your own cheerleader. Vaginismus is tough, not impossible to beat, but tough and deadlines are not possible.