Can't get excited/wet??

[Christine_Marie_Sommers85]

My boyfriend & I are able to have sex. I’m just having a problem with getting excited & wet. I can’t even orgasm. I don’t really know what the problem is. I mean I get excited some. Is it another condition that can be treated?

[recessivegenequeen]

Hi Christine! Not being able to get wet doesn’t necessarily mean you have ANY condition. A lot of women, even those experiencing arousal, don’t naturally produce all the lubrication necessary for a good sexual experience. I myself don’t naturally get that wet even though I enjoy sex a lot and use lube to make things easier for myself. Have you tried using lube before? It’s extremely common and a great way to take away some of that stress for your body to respond a certain way that might not be realistic or natural.

Is the sex you have PAINFUL, or just not pleasurable? One thing that a lot of people find surprising is that a LOT of women – maybe even a majority if I’m remembering the statistic correctly – are unable to orgasm just through sex with a man. Depending on the position, the skill of the sexual partner, and the kinds of stimulation the particular woman enjoys, regular penetrative sex (especially where the man is on top) is extremely unlikely to cause an orgasm on its own. Stimulation of the clitoris is key for most women, and often requires the use of fingers, mouths, sex toys, vibrators, rubbing, etc. to actually cause an orgasm.

A few things for you to try would be using a vibrator on your own to explore what sensations you enjoy, using more lube during sex with your boyfriend, and trying different positions during sex to see how they make you feel. There’s a LOT you can do to make sex more pleasurable for yourself, and there are scores of books and articles on the topic of spicing up your sex life. HOWEVER, if you find that even with lube sex is painful, or that your partner is unable to insert his penis, those are issues worth bringing up to a gynecologist.

[Christine_Marie_Sommers85]

Hi, Thank you. Yes we use lots of lube. I insert lube in me & he also puts lube on himself. He is able to penetrate me. sometimes it hurts, or it’s ok, & sometimes it does feel good. It’s different @ times. Our positions are different @ times too. Missionary, bending over, or sitting on top of him. The bending over is the most painful. I know when he is finally in me, he tries to move me to get into a different position. That does hurt. Sometimes he litterally has to stay in me & not move for my vagina to be comfortable with his penis. I still use my dilator too when we aren’t having sex. It takes a few minutes but I can get the dilator in me & when I do I let it sit in me till my vagina feels ok with it.

[Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSW]

Hello Christine,

Thanks for writing. I know how complicated all of this can get, even for women who do not have vaginismus. What kind of lubrication you are using can also be very important. We recommend coconut oil as it is nice and thick and also good for the vaginal tissue. (However, you cannot use coconut oil with condoms as it could make them more likely to break) Outside of coconut oil we also recommend that you use a silicone lubricant. We like one called Sliquid that is easy to buy on-line. The problem with many lubes is that they are water based and dry up quickly.
I would also avoid positions that really hurt. You mention that bending over is the most painful. This can be painful for anyone, and sometimes our bodies do not like certain positions and might never enjoy them. I am glad you are still dilating, but have you thought about using a vibrator? Getting in touch with what feels good to you is very important, and this is something you might want to do separately from a partner, and then you can teach them.
Best,
Nicole

[Christine_Marie_Sommers85]

Hi Nicole. I use equate personal lubricate Jelly. It is water based though so that could be it. I’m also wondering if I have endometriosis. My boyfriend says I always feel tight but he likes it. I just don’t want to have pain.

[Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSW]

Hello Christine,

You should never have pain with intercourse. Sex should not hurt. Trying a new lubricant could be a good idea. Also if you think you have endometriosis you should visit a GYN, as that could also be the cause of painful sex.
Best,
Nicole

[Sks823]

Christine,

It’s great that you’re using a dilator still. Is the largest one you have larger than your boyfriend’s penis? Have you tried to use it right before intercourse?

I hope things are going well!