Can someone please, please help me?
August 19, 2012 at 5:49 am #8612AnonymousGuest
As I write this, I am pretty much in despair.
I am panicking, fretting and becoming a nervous wreck. I am completely loosing myself and the little hope I had left. I despertatley need to talk to someone who will understand.
In 2 weeks I will turn 26 and I will still be a virgin. Each year when my birthday comes around I think to myself…’Maybe I will loose my virginity this year’ – I have been saying this to myself since I was 15 and yet here I am, still wondering, when?- if ever.
The 15 year old me would have never thought in a million years I’d still be in that same place at 26, Im starting to tell myself that its becoming more than likely that my virginity will still be with me at 40 years of age, and that holding onto my hope, really isnt doing much for me apart from bringing me sheer dissapointment- That maybe it is easier to just avoid this situation entirely, to have a sexless life and to never allow myself to enter a relationship again.
It seems the more I try, the more action I take, the more I fail. It seems it is helpless, that it will not get the hell out of my life, like an ongoing savage tumour that just grows and grows and grows with time.
Since the ages 15- 23 I have had 2 serious relationships. The first relationship lasted for 4 years and sex didnt happen. The few times we tried, it went wrong, as in, he couldnt ‘get in’ shall i put it.
The pain in trying to do so seemed very abnormal…if this is how much it hurts for everyone, then how and why are people doing it? How could women get past that barrier of absolute pain? How could the penis even enter?, as there was no way in hell my vagina was letting that in! and not because I chose to refuse entry, but because I literally couldn’t, it was like putting a square in a round shaped hole- impossible.
After that point we did ‘other’ things and I put the lack of sex down to our inexperience due to how young we were, and that he couldnt really turn me on enough to get me relaxed enough maybe?, and the ‘maybe this, maybe that’s’ continued to flood through my mind.
I soon thought I was cured when I met my second boyfriend, just 3 months after me and my first boyfriend split. I truely loved this guy with every inch of me and was very much in ‘proper’ love for the first time. So I automatically assumed that sex would come naturally, and that my problems had vanished.
The same stuff happened again. And again. And again. And again.
And the same routine occured, to just do ‘other things’ and that was how it was left for the a very long time, but something just clicked within me to try and face this demon of mine and started to sort some help out. I went on the pill (as it seemed to be the condom moment was the ‘Oh my god- tence tence tence’ moment, I went counselling, I got my lady bits checked out, we went to couples councelling, he went and spoke to someone a few times, hell did we try. But it wouldnt happen, and the more it didnt happen, the more angry, emotional, stressed out I became, so much to the point that it almost became a militry operation ‘We must do it again go go go!’. This obviously took effect on him also and the pressure took its toll, resulting into him becoming placid at the moment of trying to put a condom on or insertion. Most of the time I would have panick attacks or break down after every attempt. This also would have an effect, so he eventually avoided any intimacy with me at all, but in my mind, I thought it was because he didnt fancy me anymore or it was because of my weight (I have always had issues with my weight and never did anything with the lights on).
A very distructive cycle.
My confidence dropped , his confidence dropped, the trying stopped.
Eventually he left me for another girl he was seeing behind my back (and I cant help but feel the lack of sex had something to do with it) and he told everyone that we didnt have sex because of my body issues.
Knowing that all of his friends know about it sends shivers down my spine.
I entered the single life thinking that I can stop dwelling about sex, not shave for ages and avoid that dreaded sitauation, as sex is only something I would do with a loved one. But being at uni has changed that. Having men actually look my way (something I thought could never happen) and receiving compliments has given me a little more confidence. Now I feel that I would sleep with someone out of love, but I still wont be able to regardless.
Uni is the time when everyone is sleeping around and talking about sex, I get a wave of dread when I think sex will be brought up in conversation, especially as most of the students are younger than me, yet are more experienced than me. Im ashamed to say im a virgin at my age and would be just humiliated if anyone were to know. I know that I would have to lie through my teeth if asked to share my ‘stories’ and they would tell that Im lying.
I did have a very very religious upbringing where my mother would drill it into my head that sex before marriage was wrong, and that anyone who did would go to hell, and even used to show me pictures of aborted babies. I obviously didnt like this, and it meant that sex was NEVER discussed in my house, meaning I didnt have anyone to talk too or to ask questions. I wouldnt have thought that this would have made such an impact on me, as I want to have sex and wouldnt let this stop me! I respect my mothers beleifs but I dont follow this rule, I think sex with someone you love would be an amazing experience, before or after marriage. But maybe its done something to my subconcious?…I dont know.
When I turned 25 I was due my first smear test, filling with dread, I went. The lady I had was very rude and wasnt so nice, which made my nerves increase, it very extremely painful, but she managed to get the device in me, but couldnt open it up. She said she was using all of her strength in her upper arm and she couldnt open it. So I had to go back another time, and this new nurse used to smallest device, and the test was sucsessful (which i was very shocked about) but it was very unpleasent.
I also see a councelor for free at uni about it now, but she tells me ‘Its all in your head, get drunk and just relax’ and reccomended I get dildos to see if they will go inside me. Very small ones will -just about, but that in itself took a long process and still hurts everytime, normal sized ones- theres no way they go in and its scary how much it hurts when i try, and again, the same things happens when it fails, i panick, i stress, and the more it cements itself into my brain that it just wont happen, which leads to more fear for the next time I try, which leads to it failing again. The cycle continues.
The doctor has said “If you get a boyfriend and its still happening- come back”
Which obvioulsy doesnt help.
Im sorry for how long this is…and thankyou for anyone who has read all of it.
I just dont know what to do anymore and now im at a point where im too scared to try.
Please help me.August 19, 2012 at 5:31 pm #10191BlondiexoParticipant
Hi there! My name is cole and i read your whole story! I used to have level 5 vaginismus and couldnt get anything not even a Q-tip inside or near me! I had a boyfriend for 4 years and im only 20 but can completley relate to your panic and stress because when my birthday would come around i thoughf the excact same thing! I cryed every night in fear my boyfriend would leave me id never have kids or a normal life. I was in a dark placs. I found Dr. Pacik and he completley and fully fixed my problem! Its only been two weeks and i can fit the largest dilator inside me! And I’m planning on trying intercourse tonight. Since you can fit something small and get pampsmears it sounds like you have secondary vaginismus i would strongly suggest you get the botox treatment dons. I’m 100% postive it will work and change your life!! Like it did mine and many others. Your story touched me becsuse the fact that i had to go threw it i want to help anyone else suffering! I hope this gave you some hope! Because this is 100% cureable!August 19, 2012 at 9:03 pm #10195AllieParticipant
Hi:) I also read your story. I am so so sorry for everything you have been going through. I am also going through the same struggle. This year will be 6 years that my husband and I haven’t been able to have sex. I have literally tried everything and like you was at my breaking point. I was in such a bad place I felt like I really had no reason to even live anymore. Thank God I found Dr. Pacik’s website. I truly believe that this will work for me. Please don’t give up or be afraid to try. YOU are worth it. Email Dr. Pacik and talk with him. That’s what I did and it makes me feel more confident about my treatment. I leave in November. Don’t give up!!
Allie:)August 20, 2012 at 1:46 pm #10199Heather34Moderator
Hi Jay Jay. I just read your post and want you to know that I, along with so many others on this forum, truly feel for you and I am here for you 100%. My best advice that I could ever give to you is to please contact Dr. Pacik and get the help that you deserve and the treatment that truly is the cure for vaginismus. So much of your post reminded me of where I once was while I had vaginismus. You wrote about each year believing that this will be the year that you will lose your virginity. I, too, used to do the same thing and my husband and I would have “cure vaginismus” on the top of our New Year’s resolution list. We tried so many treatments that didn’t work and in 2012, we no longer had this at the top of our list as I was finally cured from vaginismus in 2011 with Dr. Pacik’s treatment. Another thing that you wrote “not because I chose to refuse entry but because I literally couldn’t … it was like putting a square in a round shaped hole – impossible.” This is a perfect description of what I felt like in the past as well. I constantly chose to have intercourse and wanted to do this more than anything in the world but it was physically impossible. I couldn’t even insert a q-tip without the excruciating fear/pain response. Within 1 week of this treatment, I was able to have intercourse and was 100% cured from vaginismus. Jay Jay, please know that we are all here for you and actually “get” and “understand” exactly what you are going through right now. Please feel free to ask any more questions at all and I look forward to reading more of your posts soon.August 21, 2012 at 4:40 pm #10213mmbayles91Participant
You aren’t alone, I felt the exact same way. Every night I would cry myself to sleep and wondered why I was even living. But thank god I found Dr. Pacik, he has completely changed my life 🙂 I can finally dilate with no problem and have intercourse, and it’s only been 2 weeks since my procedure!! Don’t give up hopeMarch 2, 2020 at 3:50 am #26930
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.