I am sorry you broke up with your boyfriend of the last 4 years but it sounds as if you made the decision carefully and thoughtfully. Staying in a relationship that’s not working, simply because you are afraid to become sexual with a new person is understandable – but in the long run, probably not an ideal solution.
I am writing because I was struck by your saying that you were trying to use only your own natural lubrication. I counsel a lot of women about painful sex and am often surprised that they feel they “shouldn’t need to use lube”. There is nothing wrong with using a lubricant. As I believe you may know, there are many excellent choices out there and it is possible to find one that is just right for your body. Everyone should feel free to use lube. We all need it from time to time…and if it makes you feel good, and more comfortable with penetration there is nothing wrong with it.
Just my two cents!