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Hi Naomicandoit!
Welcome to the forum! I am so proud of you! You have already begun treatment that is amazing!! It is completely normal to experience intense anxiety around dilators. There are a lot of things you can do to help with that. 1 of the biggest issues is that your mind and body aren’t on the same page. And when you fear it, your muscles will tighten even more. Try some breathing techniques to calm yourself. You can also lay on a heating pad for comfort and make dilating as comfortable as you can! I would always dilate in my bed on a towel, surrounded by pillows and laying on a heating pad. It was so comfy and cozy and made me feel much more relaxed! You could also try putting your finger up there and feeling around, telling yourself that your body is safe with you and you will treat it carefully. It’s just an exercise to get you familiar with yourself and teach yourself that it’s safe to experience penetration.