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    Hi, my name is Naomi. I am 38, been married for 2 years. About a year ago, when we started thinking about having children, we realized I had a problem. Only about 6 months later, we realized my problem has a name- vaginismus, and I started therapy. It took me another 6 months to realize I need to work with dilators, so now I have them. I am supposed to start working with them, but I am having some anxiety issues, so I searched online for someone to help me, and I think I came to the right place…
    Because of my age, and the inability (for now) to have full intercourse, we are trying IUI, but I am also not sure how that will work out, since my vaginal muscles are so tight…
    Anyway, this is me. I hope I will be able to share with you my progress, but I need alot of patience for it. I am not ready to give up on my dream to be a mother…


    Hi Naomicandoit – welcome to our Forum! We’re so glad you found this amazing community of support, information and encouragement.

    I’m sorry to hear you are struggling with vaginismus and subsequent fertility concerns but I want to congratulate you on getting a solid diagnosis and having the courage to move forward with treatment. Taking these steps proves your inner strength and commitment, and we’re here to help cheer you on as you move along the path to healing.

    Please keep us posted and let us know how we can support you!


    Hi Naomicandoit!
    Welcome to the forum! I am so proud of you! You have already begun treatment that is amazing!! It is completely normal to experience intense anxiety around dilators. There are a lot of things you can do to help with that. 1 of the biggest issues is that your mind and body aren’t on the same page. And when you fear it, your muscles will tighten even more. Try some breathing techniques to calm yourself. You can also lay on a heating pad for comfort and make dilating as comfortable as you can! I would always dilate in my bed on a towel, surrounded by pillows and laying on a heating pad. It was so comfy and cozy and made me feel much more relaxed! You could also try putting your finger up there and feeling around, telling yourself that your body is safe with you and you will treat it carefully. It’s just an exercise to get you familiar with yourself and teach yourself that it’s safe to experience penetration.


    Thank you for you kind and encouraging words! I always felt so ashamed with this issue, like I have no one to talk to, and felt I am the only one suffering from this, and no one can understand me… Luckily I have a good and loving husband, who is patient with me and my situation, and also I have some good doctors and therapists that pointed me to the right directions to get more help and treatment. All I was missing was some fellow “vaginismers” to accompany me on this journey, who can realy understand my issue, so I am happy for this forum.
    Thank you Heather for practical tips, I am defenately going to try these. Haven’t started with the dilators. I heard it is best to start with my finger first- is it true?


    Absolutely! I would definitely say to use your finger first but if you don’t want to, dilator kits usually come with a dilator that’s the size of your pinky! I’m so glad you have a good support system! My husband was so patient and understanding with me as well, it really makes a huge difference! You got this!!!


    Hi Naomi, and welcome to the forums! I’m so sorry to hear about all the difficulty with pain and with the feelings of vaginismus, but I’m glad you found your way to us! There are so many women who have been in your position who have gone on to pain-free intercourse and have babies, even while still working through vaginismus, so your path has been walked ahead of you by many other people who can tell you it’s possible! Everything you’re feeling is completely valid and normal, so take heart in your own bravery.

    I think you CAN start with a finger but it depends on your personal comfort level. I personally struggled to insert a finger because for whatever reason it really unnerved and repulsed me at first to have to insert my own finger, so having dilators was easier in a way because it was an external object. It’s whatever feels most natural to you, and small dilators can come even smaller than your finger if it’s easier for you to start that way!

    Also, in terms of getting pregnant, I have seen someone else on the forums mention the Mosie Baby Syringe as something that’s worked for them while trying to get pregnant while also dealing with Vaginismus. It looks small and I think would be possible to insert if you’ve gotten used to working with small dilators, so you might want to look into it:

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