What Im experiencing right now…

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  • #9077
    bosox2004
    Participant

    Hey everyone!

    I trust that everyone had a nice Christmas and enjoyed the time spent with family and friends. 🙂

    So, it’s been a month + since I had my procedure and I feel I have made very good progress – I’m up to dilating with the glass dilator #7 which is HUGE (both figuratively and literally!!) for me. Since my husband is above average size, I have to dilate with the bigger dilators.

    While dilating is going well, I’m finding that I’m having a huge problem transitioning to sex. We still have not even attempted sex even though I have been dilating with #7 for a while now. I’m finding that for SOOO long I have put every thing BUT a penis inside of me and for some reason, I’m having a hard time with it. Since I have been dealing with V for 5+ years, I seem to have associated sex with objects (dilators, vibrators, etc.) and as a result, have grown “cold” towards sex. I know that sex is supposed to be about a man and a woman sharing their love for each other but I seem to have some mental block when it comes to sex. Growing up in a strict Christian home, sex was bad and taboo and we didn’t talk about it. My parents were not affectionate with each other in front of me or even affectionate with me. After we got married and found out I had V, I went completely numb towards sex – we didn’t even do oral anymore because I felt I was doing more harm than good. Why keep constantly reminding my husband that ALL he can get is oral? After countless conversations with my hubby, I realize NOW that was the stupidest thing I could have done because something was truly better than nothing! As a result of V, I feel that I have associated sex with the objects I’ve had to use over the years because of V (dilators, toys, etc.) and I don’t have a connection with what sex should be. My hubby has told me forever that he thinks I’m asexual and that I’m never going to change even if I’m cured from V; I’m afraid that I’m starting to believe him because I’m obviously not normal. Sex should be a natural act between 2 people who love each other and yet I am incapable of doing it and I don’t know why. I love my husband very much and want to give him this more than anything but I just seem to be really struggling with it.

    Has anyone else suffered with this? I feel so alone but logically am thinking other V-survivors have had to experience this as well. Any thoughts, suggestions, tips, ideas – ANYTHING – is appreciated; I have come so far with this and feel that this is the last MAJOR hurdle standing in between me and true happiness. I am still amazed some days when I insert #7 in – 2 months ago I would never have dreamed I could get something that big inside of me. So, I have definitely made progress which is encouraging. I just seem to struggle with the sex part and don’t know how to fix it.

    Thanks for reading this and I hope someone else has gone through this and and might be able to help me with this problem. I’m sick of feeling weird, not normal, different, freaky – the list goes on and on.

    To everyone else – hang in there!

    #12305
    Nakitalab
    Participant

    Hi bosox, I can totally relate to some of the feelings you are going through. I’m 53 and up until last October suffered with Vaginismus all of my life. Thanks to Dr. Pacik’s procedure and consistent dilating I have been able to have pain free intercourse with my husband whom I have been married to for over 31 years. However, I still struggle mentally with all of it. I was raised in a strict Christian background and talk about sex was tabu, etc. For so many years when trying to have penetration it was extremely painful, humiliating and very mechanical. With all of that in the past, it is very hard for me to relax and really feel a part of and connect with my husband in a more intimate, non-mechanical way. I find that when my husband and I have an opportunity to go away for an overnight getaway I am able to relax more and get more into it. I also find reading a sexy book or watching sensual, romantic movies helps too. I used to feel really embarrassed about vibrators but they have really helped me as well. Try to be patient with yourself and take baby steps. Give yourself time to heal mentally from all the junk you experienced and went through prior to your procedure. I’m here for you and understand what you are going feeling. You have come so far and you are doing a great job with dilating. When the time is right, it will feel right for you to try. :0) Sending you a hug.

    #12308
    bosox2004
    Participant

    Nakitalab,

    Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my desperate post – especially during the holidays. 🙂

    It’s so nice to “meet” someone who grew up the same way as I did and who also has/had the same struggles. I honestly don’t know how to cure the mental part of it; I am actually meeting with a counselor next week to see if she can help me because I just feel so lost and confused. I am making great strides with dilating but feel like I’m not even taking baby steps with the mental aspect of it. I truly hope that the counselor can help me and my husband.

    Again, thanks for the encouragement because God knows I’ve needed.

    Good luck in your continued endeavor as well. 🙂

    #12327
    mmHeather34
    Moderator

    Hi Bosox. Please know that what you are now experiencing is common and something that many of us have experienced as well. I found a couple of prior Forum posts that address questions and concerns about making the final step to transition to intercourse:

    Alyx: As I’ve said in prior posts I’m still working on transitioning. Has anyone else received any type of resistance from their hubby?? I know that having vag has put an enormous strain on the relationship, it’s like the great white elephant in the middle of the room. However, sometimes I wonder if this “strain” is effecting our ability to transition… my hubby is very supportive, however, he doesn’t really like the fact that 1. I had to have the procedure and 2. I can dilate with blue but am having trouble transitioning. He doesn’t necessarily say it, but sometimes demeneaur (sp.) speaks louder than words. I don’t really know what to do or how to handle this because it’s making transitioning even more difficult for me… Open to any advice… – Alyx

    Hi Alyx. This is a good question. Here, I think good advice would be communicate, communicate, communicate! I think it would always be helpful to go back to the beginning advice from Ellen and Dr. P about having hubby place his hand on yours while dilating. Then, he could try inserting and re-inserting the dilators himself. This may build up trust prior to the transition. I also think that it’s very important to discuss openly how you feel with your hubby and perhaps he will reciprocate and tell you how he is feeling post-procedure as well.

    Chelsea: I couldn’t agree more about involving your partner in the process. If you’re using a dilator kit at home, it makes the process so much easier having your partner being able to help. Me and my partner have been together for 4 years now and have not been able to have sex with out pain through out our relationship, today we finally managed to because the last few days/weeks I’ve been involving him rather than seeing it as a problem on my end that I needed to fix by my self. It let me gain an incredible amount of trust in him by letting him use the dilator, and he was very sensitive the whole time and would ask me questions through out which I think is an important part in this, communication is everything. One tip that I found to be extremely helpful and enjoyable was that after he would get each dilator in, before moving on he would perform cunnilingus on me at the same time, and I think it helped my body associate the experience of having something inside me with a pleasurable feeling rather than painful, it helped me to relax. Another tip I found to be helpful is to focus on your breathing when it became painful taking deep breaths for a minute or two before moving the dilator made me relax a little so that it became easier for me to progress through the different sizes. I’m so happy that we managed to have sex today, it wasn’t pleasurable and a little uncomfortable, but progress is progress, i know how frustrating this can feel, and just keep in mind that it’s no ones fault that you’re unable to have sex, so don’t blame yourselves, involve your partners and I wish you all the best of luck ladies. 🙂

    Bosox, please know that we are all here to support you post-procedure. Have you seen the counselor yet? How did it go? I found counseling both pre and post-procedure to be extremely beneficial. Sending hugs and I can’t wait to read more of your posts.

    #12334
    Nakitalab
    Participant

    Bosox, I will keep you in my prayers and hope that both you and your husband will be blessed and encouraged with the counseling. I’m here for you 24/7.

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