Transitioning from dialators to spontaneous sex?

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Home Forums Vaginismus Support Group Vaginismus Dilating Transitioning from dialators to spontaneous sex?

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    Hello all,
    I discovered that I had vaginismus about 5 months after getting married. My partner and I both abstained from sex before marriage, and had not found out about my issue until our wedding night.

    I purchased a set of intimate rose dialators after finally seeing a doctor about my issue, and have been using them for the last two months. I am happy to report that I am on size 7 of 8 sizes of the set, and am now able to have penetrative sex with my husband. This is the first time we’ve been able to penetrate so frequently since our marriage, so we are both elated.

    Now I’d like to start weaning myself off of the dialators. My usual habit is to dialate for 15 minutes before attempting penetration. Whenever we’ve tried to penetrate without prior dialation, we’ve been unsuccessful. My husband isn’t able to get though unless I’ve dialated beforehand, so it’s difficult to have spontaneous sex. It’s quite off putting to always wait 15 minutes to do anything.

    The size I am currently using is a bigger size than my partner- that’s the only thing I could think of to make the situation better, but I’ve been too afraid to try without it after taking this step. My dialators have become like a security blanket for me at this point.

    Any tips you may have to solve this issue of mine would be greatly appreciated.


    Hi Annie2662 – first of all, congratulations for being able to have intercourse with your husband!That’s a huge milestone in and of itself that you should be proud of yourself for reaching.

    I think for me what enabled the transition to spontaneous sex was just time – I know that isn’t a very satisfying answer, but there really is an element of just getting used to sex and relearning your association with it from fear/anxiety to excitement. It sounds like you’re still in the stage where there’s some anxiety around whether or not sex will work (which is TOTALLY normal), and things get a LOT easier once that falls away naturally. I want to say it took about 3 months before significant weaning off from dilators had happened, but I really started to notice the difference when I began to ENJOY how sex felt – then I started to really enjoy it and to need to dilate less.

    A good step to take as you’re in the gradual processes of weaning off dilating is to dilate earlier in the day if you think you’re going to have sex, if possible. Dilating an hour before you plan to initiate things, for example, can give you confidence and get your muscles stretched without ruining the rhythm of the foreplay.

    Finally, don’t be too hard on yourself if your sex doesn’t always feel “spontaneous” or you still need some assistance. I’m 2.5 years past my botox procedure/vaginismus curing and I still need lube every time I have sex. Sometimes that’s just part of it! But good luck and try to treat your body with patience – you’ll get there faster than you think.

    S T

    Has anyone had the Botox AFTER dilation?

    I was diagnosed with primary Vaginismus and have been dilating on/off for years now. I’m in an off/On relationship with someone who is not small… and no matter how many times I felt I was ready for painless sex after dilation, it seems that I’m not, and find sex really painful and uncomfortable. I wonder if Botox will help me have painless sex…


    Hi ST – I’m sorry it has taken us so long to get back to you on this! YES, Botox is certainly an option, even after you have been using dilators for a while. Of course, we would want to rule out other causes of pain with penetration (such as vulvodynia that could be treated with other modalities). If you partner is very large, it could be that you are not using a dilator that is large enough. Remember, you want to get to a point where you are inserting a dilator that is one size LARGER than your partner. This will ensure that penetration with the penis will happen without difficulty. Make sure you are using lots of lubrication. And if you are only seeing this person on/off, make sure you are doing maintenance dilation so that when the time comes for intercourse you are ready to go. If all else fails, please feel free to contact our office for a consultation. We are happy to discuss the Botox procedure with you, and offer other suggestions to help you through this!


    Helen Leff, LCSW

    Hi Annie2662,
    Congratulations on all your progress. Dilation prior to intercourse until you are having painfree intercourse is something the clinicians at Maze strongly encourage. In addition to suggestions by recessivegenequeen perhaps you can try and dilate for a shorter period of time (5-10 minutes) or try using a large internal vibrator as part of sex before intercourse to give yourself an internal massage while also stretching the muscles. That can make it more fun and less clinical.
    Let us know how you are doing.

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